4 year old saying hurtful things all the time! .. For a reaction?

[user1464795209]

Hi everyone
Some may know me I often post here .. Anyway I have a4 year old boy who I adore .. What a big personality ! And I have a 12 month old who is the sweetest little girl.

Anyway . My 4 year old is hard work! As much as I love him.. Any phase he could have gone through.. He went through times ten!! ( you get the picture)

He's often very defiant and a lot of his bad behaviour seems to be for a reaction .. Good or bad ? Lately he has upped that a notch and is saying things like 'I hate you ' and 'I hate that baby' about his sister . He also says things like 'your not my best friend and I'm not coming anywhere with you' sometimes the behaviour comes from being told no to something but other times it's completely out of the blue !!? Any advice ? Is he normal ??? This behaviour seems too severe to be normal for a 4 year old!

He's like an actual teenager !

Nobody knows you, get a proper user name please.
He is your son not your best friend.

My 3 yr old DD can be like this. 'I don't want daddy anymore just mummy' 'mummy I'm not your friend' etc. I just say 'oh ok then, come back when you are my friend'
Usually a few minutes later we are friends again. Like you, I think it's just for a reaction

Bad day pest???

It's just that with your user name, nobody can possibly recognise you, OP.

Perhaps she doesn't know how to change her username?? no need to be horrible!

Hi OP I wouldn't class his behaviour as abnormal a lot of children around his age go through the "I hate you" - "I'm not your friend" stage, don't worry he will grow out of it.

It's a fine day but user14 something or other is not known to anyone. Get a distinguishable name and people will interact happily with you.

It is unfortunately very common for LOs to march around declaring they hate mummy, daddy or their siblings, part of them working out they are individuals. It is unusual for them to declare you are not their best friend, some will deny you are their parent but most don't suspect you are their friend.

Yes it's for a reaction. He doesn't mean it. Don't give the reaction, just be very neutral and say something bland and move on.

My son is nearly 4 and does this. I hate you, you're not.my friend anymore, I'm going to break my finger (!) If I tell him off. He's very sensitive and emotional and hard.work too. I hope it's normal.

I always respond with well I still love you

To change user name
go to
my mumsnet up top somewhere
my account in drop down menu
scroll down to the box username
get creative, get frustrated by you can't have this messages
eventually scroll down to the bottom, put in your password and click save changes

My four year old is experimenting with this big time at the moment:
I'm not your best friend
I'm sacking you as mummy.
I'm going to find a better mummy (goes out into the back garden)
I'm never living in this house again.

I just reply with a vague "oh ok then"
No response means they fizzle out pretty quickly (fingers crossed!!)

I have a 3 year old. For several months now all she wants is 'Daddy.' I find it upsetting, I don't have any advise. I actually think I'm nicer and do lots more than her Dad does with her

Pestilence don't be so bloody bossy. Are you going to tell me to get a "proper user name" too? Because you can bugger right off. This is my user name and I'm happy with it for my own reasons.

Maybe OP is too.

My nearly 4YO often tells me he hates me. I tell him "that's a shame, because I love you very much.". I'm not convinced it makes any difference he doesn't listen to a word I say but it makes me feel a bit better!

Sympathies OP, it's not very pleasant, is it?

I don't necessarily look at a username before I reply to a post. I don't see why I have to "know the poster" who is asking for advice.

I'm being told regularly I'm not my 3yr olds friend at the moment. I do believe it's just a phase and them learning about anger and expression. We just need to unfortunately ride it out.

Sometimes DD (3) does the whole 'I don't like you', 'your not my best friend' or even 'get out of my room / get away from me' (all mid tantrum, usually about going to bed!) I just reply 'I'm sorry you don't like me at the moment, mummy loves you lots & lots', 'doesn't matter that we're not best friends - I still love you SO much'. Sounds a bit soppy but she's just testing i think. Once when she was really full flow angry tantrum (v rare, she's usually lovely) I made a story out of how much I love her - on all the days of the week, every season, when it's windy / snowing / sunny etc etc. Stopped the tantrum pretty dead in its tracks and now she even asks me 'mummy do you love me today while it's raining?' Etc. It's become a little thing we talk about. Got the idea from other threads on here about 'love bombing' (admittedly older) kids when their behaviour is really testing.

So I wouldn't take it to heart - can you try making things a bit more light-hearted when he does it? Eg 'I don't want to go anywhere with you'... 'Ok DS, not even if... I'm going to look for dinosaurs? go to outer space?' Etc - loads of really outlandish suggestions and crazy ways of getting there. It sort of deflects and makes a joke out of it. It's the sort of thing that works for us but then dd is a year younger and I'm sure she'll be a lot harder to win over in a year! I read somewhere about turning the situation into fun can be useful - though obviously dealing with actual rudeness or bad behaviour is a separate thing. I think he is looking for a reaction, but Id try countering it unexpectedly? Just an idea.

And even if it doesn't work at least it gives you something more fun to focus on and say rather than feeling stumped for a response or snapping.

The post is negative and pointless, how sad you’re not friends with your child.

Looking for advice and see a post like this, just rings the word, tw4t.

Totally normal, our kiddo ran around saying "you're the WORST MUMMY EVER and I won't let you be my mummy ever again" and many similar things when she was 4. We totally ignore it while it's happening and then lavish praise on the first good choice after she's done. "Thank you SO much for putting your shoes down gently! I really appreciate it!"

Once she's totally moved past it, we would have a brief "it really hurt my feelings when you said you didn't want me to be your mummy any more. I think you were mad at me and you wanted to hurt my feelings. It's normal to be mad and it's ok to tell me, but it's not acceptable to hurt my feelings on purpose." blah blah blah. Ie, help the kid name their feelings, normalize the feeling and tell them what they need to do next time. DD is now 5 and really well behaved 95% of the time but was really horrid 3.5 - 4.5 yo!