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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

14 year old having sex - is this too young?

23 replies

indiajane · 08/02/2007 18:08

My sister has just found out (by reading her diary) that my niece who is just 14 is having sex with her 14 year old boyfriend. My sister left a note in her diary asking her to talk about it with her which she has ignored.

I'm quite close to her and I've now been asked to talk to her...but not sure what to say. I think 14 is way too young but I guess thats just me showing my age?

I'm inclined to have a quick word about contraception and leave it there, - what do you think?

OP posts:

Hulababy · 08/02/2007 18:11

IMO yes, it is too young. I find it sad that young girls want to go down this road so early.

However, I am sure you telling her this wouldn't stop her now. Think you need to just make sure you know that she is definitely consenting fully and not under pressure, make her aware that she doesn't have to be doing this right now and that her boyfriend could be prosecuting over it as she is under age, and then definitely a chat about contraception.

WigWamBam · 08/02/2007 18:16

I'd say it's too young. I'd also say that if you're going to talk to her, you need to talk about more than contraception.

I would talk about feelings and emotions, self-respect, why she wants to have sex - is she feeling pressurised, that kind of thing. Of course she needs to know about contraception, as well as STDs and the risk of pregnancy, but finding out what's going on in her head, and making sure that she has enough self-respect and self-esteem to only do it if she is ready is pretty important too.

And give her a hug and make sure she knows that you love her regardless.

Greensleeves · 08/02/2007 18:17

Yes, it's too young!

I would definitely have the chat about contraception, and I would include a note of more serious warning about the legality/STDs/unwanted pregnancy too. Of course she won't just stop because you say so, it's not that simple - but I don't think it does any harm for teenagers to know that their loved and respected role models don't support/approve of certain behaviour. It might have a more general tempering effect on her decisions.

Perigrine · 08/02/2007 18:19

Can only second what Hulababy and WWB are saying. Contraception is really important, but your niece needs someone to talk about the emotional consequences of her decision!

Blondilocks · 08/02/2007 18:19

The worst thing you can do is tell her to stop doing it.

Be positive, discuss all the things that could go wrong & check that she has thought about them & is being careful. Let her know she is there for whatever help & advice she may need.

kinki · 08/02/2007 18:29

On top of that good advice, try to reassure her that she has your complete confidence. I would have gone mad if my mum had read my diary at 14 and have felt 'betrayed' for want of a better word. She may feel that her mum has sent you to her so you can relay back to mum. Make sure she knows you can be trusted, and that you are there because you care for HER not her mum (iyswim).

If she can't be persuaded to abstain, maybe you could offer to be with her when she goes to the doctors.

Original poster

indiajane · 08/02/2007 18:32

I asked her outright a few weeks ago if she was - and she very convincingly denied it so she obviously doesn't want to talk about it at all to me..

Also contraceptive? I'm very inclinded to tell her to go onto the pill and use this as well as condoms. Very reluctant to advise sole condom use as don't think 14 is responsible enough - any opinions?

OP posts:

Blondilocks · 08/02/2007 18:34

Now I'm on the pill I'd have loved to have gone on it much younger than 20 ... I previously had very annoying painful periods.

I can't see how an extra contraceptive can be a bad thing, although the pill doesn't suit everybody so she may need extra help, also remembering to take it can be a bit of a nightmare for some people.

FotheringtonTomas · 08/02/2007 18:35

absolutely second kinki's advice. reading someone's diary (and leaving a note!) is a huge betrayal of trust. with the greatest respect i actually can't believe that your sister thought that was an appropriate way to tackle her daughter about something so important. she's blown it, so be careful that you're not seen as her messenger girl. and yes, 14 is too young, don't envy you having to speak to her about it though.

WigWamBam · 08/02/2007 18:38

If you don't think she's responsible enough to insist on a condom every time, would you think she was responsible enough to take a pill every single day? Maybe you could offer to take her to the doctor and ask about the Depo injection or the hormone implant.

Taking responsibility for her contraception is something you need to incorporate into your chat with her, I think - that she should use a condom, insist on one every single time without fail. Show her how to use one, if you think she needs you to.

Original poster

indiajane · 08/02/2007 18:44

Yeah, reading the diary is a whole different thread subject - I mean, can it ever be justified? But on the other hand, can mothers often withstand the temptation - sometimes it can be a cry for help from a teenager? Am not justifying her but realise that my DDs are currently 6 and 8 so I don't yet have to "test" myself

Anyway, I think the injection thingy is a good idea - thanks WWB.

I just don't trust her to ensure a condom is worn ALL the time EVERY time. I think they're shown how to use it in school now aren't they? But growing concerns re clamidya (no idea how to spell it) surely indicate that kids don't use them all the time!

OP posts:

kinki · 08/02/2007 18:56

Got a feeling the Family Planning Clinics give free condoms to youngsters. Maybe you could take your neice (and the boyfreind) there for the best advice and literature for them to read. They really ought to know about STDs as well as pregnancy. Definately agree that if they're going to do it, then pill AND condom is the best contraceptive at this age.

FotheringtonTomas · 08/02/2007 20:01

i'm not being holier-than-thou about the reading of the diary, by the way. i'm sure my mum read mine, but she wasn't idiotic enough to tell me!

FotheringtonTomas · 08/02/2007 20:02

and frankly i was so terrified of getting pregnant i used the pill and a condom til my mid-twenties... worked a treat!

wangle99 · 13/02/2007 19:05

Having been there myself I don't think I would listen to anyone talking to me and I didn't, my mother also read my diary and found out (I have never kept one since ) and lectured me on it, she also made sure my boyfriend and I were supervised in the house - so we went out instead lol.

I think you can have a general chat about contraception and STI but when it boils down to it if she wants to carry on she will and nothing you say will make any difference.

chocolatekimmy · 13/02/2007 20:11

Definately too young in my opinion.

Mum should have an open discussion with her to gain her understanding of sex/what it means as well as the risks of disease and pregnancy. It may give her the confidence to stop if she knows she has her support. Hopefully at least it will make her sensible about preventing disease and taking contraceptive though it may not stop her doing it

brandy7 · 13/02/2007 20:15

yes it is too young but unfortunately they seem to start younger these days. i didnt do it till i was 17!

im now 38 with a 12.5year old son and the thought that hed even be capable in a year and halfs time doesnt seem imaginable

wangle99 · 13/02/2007 20:33

I will be honest with you, I was 13 and thought I knew it all when in reality I didn't know anything and didn't even use contraception

When my sister (who is 6 years younger than me) reached 13 I looked at her and thought 'oh my god' and it suddenly dawned on me the enormity of what I had done.

It is waaaaay too young but at the time it seemed a fantastic thing to do lol.

The scary thing is my Mother announced she was pregnant a month after my first time so when I look at my brother (now 17) I think omg I could have a child that age gulp

brandy7 · 13/02/2007 20:45

wangle,there was a few girls at our school that did do it young. perhaps there was more and they just didnt tell anyone, whereas now it seems quite a boastful thing to achieve at a young age

when my ds was 10 i remember saying to him that when he got to 12 i would be putting condoms in his top drawer i havent because i cant believe that he would do it BUT as hes on his 2nd serious girlfriend i spose i should be aware that he could.i have drummed it in that its illegal before 16 but wether that will have any affect or not i dont know. i would hate to get a knock on the door from an irate father

divamumplus · 13/02/2007 20:51

thats way way too young, this subject worries me as i have dd(thank god she is not yet 2) as im from different part of world. 14 will almost double the age i started. i dont think reading her diary is the last string of their trust. after all she is her mother, its beter she is been told than became pregnant at that age. she will understand when she reaches 20`s but now she needs help.

cruisemum1 · 13/02/2007 21:03

Yes! yes! Yes!

adath · 14/02/2007 12:51

I think 14 is too young even at 14 I thought it was too young.
I think your sister should just front up to her dd and talk about it herself. In your nieces eyes her mother has commited the ultimate betrayel and as your siter left a note she knows she read it. There is no way on this earth your niece will ever trust her mother with anything again unless she handles this properly. If you approach your niece for this chat she may lose trust in you as well because she knows you are going to report back to her mum and the last thing she will want to do is open up to the messanger.
I think this is your sisters job and she needs to start the conversation by apologising to her for reading the diary in the first place but that she really need to discuss with her what she read.

clairemow · 14/02/2007 12:58

I think it's too young too, but not sure what you can do about it apart from discussion. Trouble is if it's forbidden I'd be worried that they'd end up having sex in unsafe places and taking risks. I think you've had great advice below about warning her of the dangers of STDs, unwanted pregnancy etc.

BTW, why isn't your sister talking to her daughter about it herself? There must have been a better way than leaving a note in the diary? I don't think she should have read her daughter's diary, but now she has, she can't really ignore this and hope that someone else deals with it for her I don't think. Do they get on well normally?

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