questoin #2 should i just accept that they don't get on?

[cheeryface]

my boys aged 11 and 7 are making things miserable with their constant arguments/bickering etc which always results in one being in a moody and crying etc

weekends are not pleasant.

i keep trying to stop things being this way, by saying stuff like they only get pocket money if they have behaved and got on or we're not going out tomorrow unless you have behaved today. that kind of stuff but tbh it doesn't work

i am sick of it. it makes me and dh row sometimes as they cause such tension. the spectacle in matalans car park on sunday was one i hope never to repeat!

advice kindly appreciated

Do they share a room? I have 3 older sisters and because of a big age gap we didn't argue at all but the stories my mum tells me make me wonder why she had any more kids. My 2 daughters don't get on at all and they're only 5 & 2 (I am dredding the teenage years). My mum said she used to give each of my sisters their own time. Have you tried spending time with each of them seperately doing things they enjoy? Or finding a common interest that they both enjoy. I know my kids are alot younger than yours but as my oldest sister is 15 years older than me and her kids ages range from 12 to 18 I have witnessed alot of disputes

I always used to say that I would never worry about my kids arguing, because no-one argued (and fought!) more than me and my brother, but he's now one of the first people I'd turn to with a problem.

What I hadn't realised was just how wearing the constant battling is for the parents - my 13 and 14 year old drive us mad at times.

But then they're there for each other when it's really needed.

I don't know what to advise. I do know that my sister and I (three years apart) were OFTEN fighting, then playing, then fighting, then playing... A nightmare for my parents I am sure but we are close now.

no, they don't share a room. they are just chalk and cheese really.
ds2 goes out bike riding with dh sometimes which ds1 isn't interested in and ds1 takes an interest in the computer and plays cards at night with dh when ds2 is in bed.

they never seem to want to do anything much with me, they think i'm boring!

when we are in the house it is pretty bad and evry time we try to go out, just the getting shoes on and in the car seems to cause such chaos that i often wonder why i bother

ds2 seems to care about ds1 but not the other way around. he probably does care really but he can't bring himself to show it for some reason!

ds1 had seen ds2 at school the other week, sat on the chairs where you go when poorly (he had headcahe etc)
ds1 had apparently just alked straight passed. it does upset me really.

Another vote for: I don't think there is much you can do about it.

Me and my brother (18 months younger) hated each other while we were groing up. Constant fights to the extent of ending up in hospital several times.

I remember walking in on my mum one day sitting on the kitchen floor crying.

We all turned out ok, honest. We became best friends in our teenage years and it was great to have somebody looking out for me. We are very close now. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I know it sounds dismissive but I'm sure its his age. I was a typical moody teenager and really didn't give a stuff about my family. Because I was the youngest of 4 girls (and I had 2 nieces by the time I was 8) I really weren't interested in my nieces at all. I didn't want to play with them, I would scream at them if they stepped one foot in my bedroom. My friends were the most important thing in my life and I really didn't care about anything else.
I got to 17 and things just seemed to change, my mum & sisters became my friends.
i'm sure they will grow out of it, its probably a bit of jealousy too. Although they will never admit it

thanx

i can relate to the sitting crying on the floor, your poor mum! it really does drive me to despair sometimes.

it's half term next week eeeeek

I have a 12 (nearly 13 year) old son and a 7 year old son, so aimilar age gap. And I have found like you that taking them out together can be a nightmare!! It brings out the worst in them - lots of vying for attention, rivalry, etc. And they have an affectionte relationship so if they did not, heaven knows how bad they would be.

I decided a year or so ago that it just wasn't working taking them to places together. The age gap and rivalry is too much. So now I mainly take one or the other. I have made a conscious effort to get my oldest son involved in weekend activities. Luckily he has found stuff he likes to do - like cricket and drama. These activites keep him happily busy, for chunks of time at the weekend enabling me to take my youngest ds out to the sandpit, playground, swimming etc - all the things the 7 year old wants to do and the 12 year old is bored of doing.

The main drawback is that I don't spend as much one to one time out and about with my 12 year old. But he stays up later than my 7 year old, so we have our one to one time in the house.

I used to love taking them both on trips, and hoped they would gather lots of happy memories of their shared experiences. But when the arguments and sulks started, it spoiled that hope. Keeping them apart, letting them have some space from each otheer, seems the best way forward for now.

sounds like a good idea tigermoth. the problem i have though is that ds1 is really a bit of a loner and he hangs around me most of the time.

i have tried my best to encourage him to invite friends round or go to them but he is having none of it. He is very old headed and seems to find other kids too immature which is probably why he won't tolerate his brother much either. much prefers adults.

he is an absolute whizz on the computer and recently got involved in doing the lighting for a local production aswell but other than that he is my shadow !

That must be a problem sometimes (though very flattering, too!) And 11 is a bit of an inbetween age as your son may feel too old for kids' clubs but could be a little too young for teenagers' clubs.

But have you seen what's availalbe for children of your son's age in your area?

I found that although I thought I knew, (ie scouts, football clubs etc) I was surprised to find that for this older child/ young teenager age group, there are other things available. Lots more music, drama, djing and computer clubs for instance. We found a brilliant 3 hour music club where you get the hire of an instrument all for about £20.00 a term, run by our local music college. My son could have learned the guitar. However, by the time we knew about it, he was already doing something else.

I find that my son doesn't automatically want to do an activity till I get him to go along and try. I have to use my persuasive skills a bit.

So, could you push your son a little to join something - if it is with an older age group, this might be an attraction, as he will feel he is away from little kids like his brother? Fair enough if he goes a few times and doesn't like it. And you could tell him you will spend the time he is away doing shopping trips - the ones he hates to go on.