Struggling with 10 year old son

[Temporaryanonymity]

I've completely running out of ideas to deal with my 10 year old son. He's angry, aggressive and just incredibly hard work. I don't know how to deal with him at all.

Brief background, his father hasn't been around for some years. We separated 4 years or so ago following his alcoholism. Since then I've pretty much been a lone parent. Work full time. One other son.

We moved back to my home town. He's never been happy with it particularly but the move was driven by financial reasons. Everything is cheaper here.

His father has since remarried and had two other children. I do my best; the boys play rugby and swim and I basically run myself ragged trying to do a demanding job, get them to their after school stuff and keep the house hygienic. It's a slog to be honest.

If my older son isn't fighting with his brother he is fighting with me. Everything is boring and everything I put in front of him to eat is horrible. If he doesn't get his own way he screams and shouts. It's awful and I can't stand it any longer.

I've tried everything over the years. The tantrums are less frequent than when he was a toddler but now I've lost hope he will ever grow out of them. People talk about the teenage years and I want to cry because if it is worse than this then I don't want it.

He doesn't like affection of any kind and shrugs me off if I try and hug him.

I'm completely and utterly at a loss with what to do with him. He just wants to argue all the bloody time.

Please...can anyone help? I'm so worried that I can't do anything to help him over this anger.

Anyone? He was better this morning. I've tried to identify what makes him angry. One of the worst things is that he gets hugely jealous of any time I spend with his younger brother...

I'm sorry no one has responded. no wonder you are desperate. I am bumping for you so someone wise can come along with some nuggets of wisdom He does sound very angry and I'd guess his behaviour is related to that. Is he competitive?

Has he been this angry for the last four years, or is it recent? I ask because my almost 10yo DS (whose life has so far has been v easy unlike your DS) is having horrific mood swings right now which involve lashing out verbally, hitting me, shouting, crying - then extreme remorse. I think it's linked to the onset of puberty, but he finds it quite frightening. We've had quite a long talk about why he's feeling the way he is and about what he can do to make himself feel better, eg go for a swim, or a run or a really hard bike ride. I wonder if you could arrange for your younger child to go out for tea, so the two of you can spend some time one-on-one and try to have a conversation? Or do you feel it's beyond that?

Im sorry i can't give much advice. I have 2x10 dds and 1x 11 and there are times it's a hard slog. The hormones turn them into nightmares and they are too big to physically deal with.

Does he do any martial arts because the values they teach sound like what he needs?

Are there any consequences for him when he's an arse or are the consequences you and DS2 walk on egg shells?

Good luck. It sounds like some psychological help for you all might be a plan too if you can afford it.

Hi
I have ds of similar age and while his problems are very different - he has asd - just wanted to say I sympathise. I think it is not uncommon for boys if this age to develop moodiness and aggression - I see this clearly in ds peer group, though not in him - he is more on the receiving end of it sadly. It's really hard for you because he won't understand the reasons why you made the choices you did and why they are right - and clearly they are - and he is too young for you to explain. Does he ever see his dad? May well be grieving for that relationship. Agree that quiet time together with permission for him to open up if he wants likely to be beneficial.

Thanks all. I'll try and answer the questions.

No to martial arts. He isn't really interested in it but plays rugby and this is beneficial for him.

Yes, there are consequences for poor behaviour and I enforce it. He's a tricky one because he never really cares if things are taken away. He just says whatever and carries on.

He never sees his father. I don't want to go into the reasons why because it is very identifiable. Telephone contact is possible but I've tried and tried to get his father to contact him but no joy there. The paternal grandparents are very involved but live quite far away but I make sure they see each other every school hols.

One on one time is a good idea and I will give that a go. He does respond well to that and I will try and engineer something to make it happen regularly.

We've spoken about hormonal changes quite a bit but not about his anger for a while. He rides his bike a lot. To be honest I keep the boys very busy and active as this has been the only way to manage their behaviour in the past.

He is super competitive and bright. He is very intelligent but can't see the point of any homework that comes his way. If he can do it he can't be bothered to do it and if he can't do it he won't try for fear of getting it wrong. He has a very logical brain and argues like a lawyer. It's very tiresome.

He sounds like my son minus the anger!

My son is also very similar to what you have described. He is a lot of hard work. Only a few minutes ago I had to deal with a tantrum over telling him to give me back MY phone that he was using to play games, and to go to bed. He broke his own Kindle (accidentally), and was angered by the fact he had less time on my phone than I'd originally agreed.

He can be as nice as pie, as good as gold one minute, and then 10 minutes later angry and hostile towards anything I say. He is really only very nice when he is attempting to get something he wants, yet seems to appreciate nothing I do for him.

He is absolutely horrible to his younger brother (aged 6), and bullies him virtually all the time. I am really hoping this is all down to hormones and not the way he just 'is'. At times I find him to be very unlikeable.

For the most part I find getting him out of the house (clubs, visiting family etc) and keeping him busy seems to help. Other than that I have always taken an authoritarian approach with him, and so he does listen when I simply send him to his room for moments of silence in isolation, which seems to calm him down. Although this probably won't work for much longer.

Hi there daring,
Had the same problem with my eldest, Arlo. Trick is to take them away from a school environment for a week or so (may seem daunting but truly helps as sometimes school gives a lot of stress) then take 'em to a course, usually a councillor will be happy to help you find one I am positive. Then reintegrate them into school and you will be golden,
All the best
Louise xx

Juicy, yes they sound very similar indeed.

Tonight has been better although he got very cross when he remembered he isn't allowed the laptop due to his behaviour last night. He's 10 next month so I've suggested that he come to the gym with me instead of going to the kids club. He likes this idea v much. There's a punch bag and I'm hoping the PT will show him what to do with it.

As for taking him out of school, this isn't an option. I don't get enough holiday to cover the school holidays as it is, and I can't afford unpaid leave. But I can see that this might work for others.