am i a bad mum?

[kemsmum]

For some reason, the ability to discipline my children is not something i was born with. i try my best 'stern' voice, that I imagine my mum using when i was young (and boy was she scary!) but nothing ever seems to work. I have 2 sons, who are 2.7 and 1.1. Everything is so easy with my youngest, but everything with my eldest son just seems so difficult, and I feel I can't do anything right. It doesn't help that we live with my mother in law, who is always quick to point out where I am going wrong. My eldest son also has speech problems, which I feel is my fault,as I could maybe have taught him better. my sister in law says that she has used my myself and my eldest as an example of how not to bring up her own daughter. Help! I am at my wits end!

You sound like you just lack a bit of confidence in yourself - and we all do at times!
Your sister-in-law sounds less than charming!
Are you consistent with the way you discipline your boys? If you say something, you have to follow it through, IME.
I don't see how your son's speech problems can be your fault. Is he seeing a speech and language therapist?

for starters stop labelling yourself as a bad mother. by the sounds of things you are trying your best its very easy for others to criticise, dont judge yourself by their standards.

i'm new to this mumsnet site and i'm seeing snippets of my past everywhere. its great to know that there are others out there that have been through similar experiences.

as parent it is ongoing technique that you will learn to discipline and train your children and just when you think you've mastered them they go and through you a curve ball.

Kensmum.

I think we all go through it at some point. I have a Ds of 3.5 who is boisterous and a huge handful. I have little confidence in my own parenting skills and always go on the negative. I constantly feel I'm a failure as a parent when he's being difficult and feel I am doing something really wrong.

I've sought help from many areas and the answer I get from everyone is 'He's 3' 'he's still a baby' 'They all do that at some time' and 'He's completely normal'

It's difficult when you have judgemental individuals around you. I got to the point of asking those who publicly disapprove that they are welcome to have a go if they can cope better than me. Tends to shut them up tbh.

In my experience, most of those who exhibit the 'I'm a perfect parent' are peddling like buggery underneath, they just don't show it. My MIL has a GD twice DS's age. It wasn't until I felt I was really really struggling with DS that she confessed that her 'perfect' Gd was a nightmare at the same age. Like Cheers, could you have let me know that at the start rather than letting me tear myself apart a feel like a failure for not having a perfect DS .

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. They do mellow and 'grow' out of it. My DS has turned a corner in 3 weeks, like a different child!

I hope no one takes offence by my post. I don't wish to put backs up. I just want to share my own personal experience with another mum.

I've got 'softy' stamped on my head. My own mother used to get really angry and scary with us as children and I think I over compensate now. But actually I think I'm doing an ok job because I try to be consistant and fair and my children are fine. I get some gentle teasing from friends and family for being so soft but I know I can't do it any other way.
So yes I think be confident and persevere. You can only do it your way. Try not to show your self doubt to those being critical. If you are sure of yourself your children will benefit from that.
You could start a thread asking for ideas about subtle and gentle ways of dealing with your son which would suit your style? I think 2.7 is when they do start to test the boundaries anyway.
Can you not move out of your mils? It's difficult to parent well if you are feeling constantly watched and judged?

A good mum is one who constantly reflects on how she deals with situations. All kids misbehave but the q is, how do you deal with it?

It must be v hard for you living with MIL. And it must be v hard for her living with toddlers and not biting her tongue (she's obviously failed at that, hasn't she?). Does she ever babysit for you? If so, ask her how she deals with xyz behaviour. It's worth hearing her views even if you don't act on them.

At the end of the day they are your children and it is up to you and dh how to bring them up. You live with the consequences long term, more than any one else.

Hi Kemsmum

we all displine our children in different ways and children react to that discipline in different ways, it doesnt help to have your MIL and SIL undermining your confidence in your parenting skills, children are very perceptive and maybe your eldest is picking up a lack of confidence or conviction in you.

I wonder if your eldest ds is also frustrated if he has speech problems maybe he has difficulty in making himself understood, which make him seem difficult, it could also just be a stage he is going through.

Ignore what is being said to you by the in laws (or outlaws!!) and do what you feel is right for you and your children, we all have worries about doing the right thing with our children and at the end of the day we just do our best and hope

Wow, Elasticmum. Thats a brilliant description of a good mum, I think.
"one who constantly reflects on how she deals with situations". EXactly! Its how we deal with our mistakes that marks us as a person or a mum, not whether we make mistakes or not.

Of course she should also be v stretchy