Why does my six year old do this?

[FloatyFlo]

I'm struggling at the moment with my five, days away from being six, year old.

This is an example of his behaviour that I don't know how to manage. This happened just now. I know it will probably seem like a real non issue but he can do this several times a day over the tiniest of things. And it's exhausting. So -

Nice morning. He has been in a good mood. He tipped a box of an angry birds toy set out onto the lounge floor. I reminded him, you've tipped that out, please make sure you put it away after. All fine.
20 mins later he asks to do some painting. I tell him I will go get the easel and paper ready while he puts his angry birds toy away.
A few minutes later he comes into the kitchen, and I tell him painting his ready, and ask if his toy has been put away. He says yes.
I go back into lounge and it's still on the floor. So I tell him your angry birds toy is still in the floor. You need to tidy it up before painting.

Cue half an hour of crying and shouting and whinging and stomping and refusal to put toy away.
At first he goes on and on about doing it afterwards. I just repeat - no painting until toy is away. Then he goes on and on about just doing a little bit of painting first and then tidying toy away. I say no, tidy first then painting.
He keeps repeating himself and so I say to him I'm not talking about this anymore. You know what you need to do.
When I began to ignore him he then gets louder and louder and crosser and crosser, he yells at me to listen to him then he starts to beg me to help him, then he goes back to just crying and then starts saying I'm going to hit a wall in a minute (?!?!)

So now half an hour later, I lost patience and yelled at him. Said if he didnt pick it up, i would put it in the bin. He then very slowly and begrudgingly picked the toy up. He has bloody forgotten about the painting now. Now he is in a bad mood, whinging about everything. I'm in a bad mood and feeling guilty that I can't stay calm and handle this.

Help. Why does he do this? How do I manage it? Was I too harsh giving him the painting/toy away instruction? Am I being too soft and that's why he behaves like this? He is just relentless sometimes and when he is unhappy about something he is very unreasonable and it affects the whole house.

Was just going to post the same. Help him tidy together. Put yourself in his shoes. When you were his age and your mum asked you to tidy and left the room, what did you think?
When you are at work and all your colleagues have gone home and left you to finish. Wouldn't it be nicer for them to stay and help or keep you company?
Try reading 'how to talk so kids will listen'.

I try and encourage ds (6) to tidy but I help him. The idea being that I want our family to help each other.
Dh comes from a family where either his mum did it all or the individual who made the mess did it. It's made him quite selfish in someways. He doesn't tidy up my stuff for example (eg putting a load of washing away he puts his stuff away only) - because he sees my stuff as my responsibility. Whereas I would muck in and do his.

You also need to think about ds as needing to be taught how to express his emotions. Sending to his room doesn't do that. It basically sends the signal that if he's angry etc, he lashes out, he gets sent away. I would acknowledge his anger and give him ways to express it calmly then you can work on a solution.

He won't see or realise you have done all these chores. Maybe you can get him to help you. Dustpan and brush. Putting the cutlery away. You wash, he dries. Doing it together is the key. I know his help with chores won't be useful to start but he'll get better and hopefully become useful.

Try reading 'how to talk so kids will listen'.

I have Half of it anyway. And it is really good and makes a massive amount of sense. And when I have put some of the info to use, it has been incredibly helpful and made a differnce. Maybe I need to have a re-cap. But the problem I find is its useful when I'm calm and patience, but when I feel snappy or ds is pushing my buttons, it goes out of the window.

You also need to think about ds as needing to be taught how to express his emotions. Sending to his room doesn't do that. It basically sends the signal that if he's angry etc, he lashes out, he gets sent away.

I hadn't looked at it that way. Thank you. He definitely needs to support expressing negative emotions. Hell, I'm not managing mine well so of course he isn't his.

Hell, I'm not managing mine well so of course he isn't his

Yes it has helped me to evaluate my temper and I'm working on it hard! But I've got to the stage now where ds can tell him he is angry and needs quite a lot of reminding as to what to do. Slow journey and all that.

Your op made me laugh, I am a childminder and there things happen day in day out. First tip - use a timer. Oven timer, set it for two minutes, and make it a best the clock tidy up challenge. Or a sand timer, whatever. Make tidying up a game, a competition.

Or use this song on YouTube.

www.handinhandparenting.org/2016/09/just-put-the-blocks-away-get-your-kids-to-listen/

I saw this today on FB. Pretty much echoes others' points and your own.

The sending to room thing - I agree with what believeitornotsays, but it is difficult because at times they just stay arguing and you both get more and more wound up and everyone needs that break, but it's how to achieve it.

I sent ds to his room one time and he got really upset and shouted no. So instead of insisting on it (was having a patient day) I said to him that he needed a break, his behaviour wasn't acceptable and we were just making each other cross. So I said he could choose where he went and could play with toys, it wasn't a punishment, but we needed to stop the arguing until he felt he could come back and talk nicely. This seems to work well, and now when he kicks off I will say where are you going to go to calm down and he goes (somewhat stroppily!) but comes back and says sorry usually or explains himself and why he got cross which is fine too. Sometimes he goes to his room voluntarily, sometimes he just sits in the same room and gets on with something for a few minutes. I hope it is more towards what believeit says about teaching him to manage his emotions rather than shutting them away, whilst still enforcing the idea that his behaviour has crossed a line.

Oh floaty, any advice is for your best parenting days, we all have days where it all goes out the window

Playful Parenting is also a good book that I must reread soon

Thanks for the link villanous.

If you shout and threaten, children believe that they only have to act when you blow up, so those events begin to occur more regularly, and in a repetitive pattern.

This. This is what has happened to us I think. Shit. How do I undo it??

But the problem I find is its useful when I'm calm and patience, but when I feel snappy or ds is pushing my buttons, it goes out of the window.
Totally normal, I'm like that too don't worry.

About him only reacting when you blow up, I bet he would react to other ways too, maybe you just need to try them. Providing reasons can help a lot.

My 7 yo has a soft soul under his determined spirit so I sometimes just flop down and say 'I'm really tired, I've done X Y and Z for the family today, I've asked you to tidy but you won't and I'm too tired to make you. What shall we do? Are you going to help me or shall I just give up and have a cup of tea?' He usually changes tack and says 'don't worry mummy shall I help you with your jobs?' Still doesn't want to do his job usually but it's a start.

Giving him a joy for helping can be handy too. DS1 loves doing laundry, hoovering, washing up, simple cooking and I praise him and call him grown up and independent so he has started valuing that as part of his identity. We just started this recently and a knock on effect is his awareness of what I do, and that he is able to help and make me happy too. He then takes me much more seriously when I request he does something and he knows I'm not kidding. He is currently on a weeks TV ban for disobeying me and not getting dressed nicely before school etc.

Oh yes I second giving ds a job to do. He was hurting his sister so I made him come and help me do the washing - unloading loading etc. He loved it and it gave me a chance to talk to him calmly about his behaviour and how he felt.

We also get the DCs to make their beds and clear the table as well so they know what I do around the home.

I need to apply the 'tidy up song' and a number of these strategies. As an older parent, I find I am quite laid-back, but I have days when my hormones get the better of me, and my temper frays.

Usually I leave the room but I can see how this can be construed. The information about expressing negative emotions is great food for thought.

Something I found very helpful was understanding what triggers my anger and frustration. Sometimes I can be calm and patient and employ useful strategies but other times I found that incredibly difficult. Realising that my frustration stems from the pressure I feel helped me to stay calmer when before I would get angry. The pressure comes from my need to be doing other things at the time my child plays up. For example, if I planned to make a phone call, pay a bill, online shop, and my child's tantrum starts to impact that time then that's when I got angry. So now when her behaviour is eating into time that I need for other jobs and I feel myself starting to get angry I try to tell myself to let the task go and focus on her. I'm getting better at it. I think the key to managing their difficult behaviour is understanding what it is about it that presses your buttons. With that knowledge you can start to manage yourself better and so manage them and the situation better. Hope that helps

In an ideal world.... "Let's pick up the blocks together, then you can put the basket away and wipe the table while I get the paints ready"

OP I think you are handling things very well ! Do not doubt yourself!

Lots of wise advice on here :)

My 6 yr old is tricky at times, especially when I'm under pressure... Which is more about situation, and me, than him!

Sometimes, I catch myself expecting more of him than I should. He looks so grown up, and such a 'big kid' now that I make the mistake of thinking he's more capable than he is.

If I catch myself, and remember how little is still is, everything goes better. I think I was better at managing and teaching a squishy 4 yr old, and I need to spend a moment looking past the gawky elbows and gappy smile to see my baby's still very much there... And with my baby, I have all the patience in the world 😳😍😚