Advice on separation anxiety

[katerj]

My 8mth old dd has suddenly developed separation anxiety. I know it's just a normal phase but it's upsetting as she seems to have gone almost overnight from a happy, confident baby to a clingy, tearful one. I am caring for her full time at the moment but she will be going to a childminder 3 days a week when I go back to work in June so I am keen to get her used to short separations. I have been going once a week to a course at our local Surestart centre - I leave her with creche workers (whom she knows) while I attend the course in the next room. Finding it very stressful though because I can hear her crying bitterly through the wall. I have been going to her and bringing her into the other room with me - however I do wonder if this is just reinforcing the anxiety. I wondered whether it would be a good idea instead to, when she cries, go to her in the creche and reassure her there until she is calm, then go next door again, rather than taking her out of the creche. I know maybe I should just leave her there until she stops crying - the creche workers are very nice - but I just can't bear to. Any ideas?

The crying is upsetting you and the baby is picking up on that so yes, you are reinforcing the anxiety. It will be easier for her if you can refrain from going back. It is so hard to do, but worth it.
How much do you explain to her? They understand so much more than we think! Are you telling her that you are going to be away, that she will be fine with the creche workers and that you will be back soon. The calmer you can be about it the better.
Good luck

I do sympathise as my ds was like this at this age...to be honest I think if you are leaving her in the creche, you must leave her. I know you say you can't bear to, but I really think it's simply confusing for her if you come back in and then go again. She'll be being trained TO cry until you come!

She will stop crying eventually. I know it's horrible - shame you can hear it!

One thing I would say though is I really wouldn't worry about getting her 'used' to separations so don't feel you HAVE to leave her in the creche at all! I simply don't think you can 'train' kids like this, they live in the moment and in June it won't help her to have had previous separations for short periods - she will feel what she's feeling at the time and won't think "oh yes, I remember, mum has left me for short separations before"......I personally feel you should be with her as much as you can to give her all the security and nurturing of your presence for as long as you can, and she will be more secure and as well prepared as she can be to deal with it in June.

She'll be FINE with it, it's horrible to leave a crying child but they do settle and enjoy their days.

Hi Katerj.

I think you need to decide what you want to do and then make a plan.

If you really cannot stand the idea of her being upset and it feels 'wrong' to you, then don't do it and organise your life so this is not necessary.

However, if it is important to you that you have sometime away to do other things like the course you are on, then you will need to have a plan and accept some crying will be involved.

In the Creche , I would say she needs some reassurance that you are coming back, and then gradually over time as she accpets this she can then begin to feel comfortable and enjoy the new environment.

I would try a controlled crying approach to the creche, by which I mean gradually lenghtning the periods of separation. Start with a short time, maybe even two minutes, for a day or two, then increase to 5 then ten minutes etc. this may sound like a slow process, but actually within a couple of weeks she will probaly be feeling more secure. You can take bigger leaps of time after a while, say 15/25mins.

I would also suggest, that you do this reguarly over consecutive days, which would mean going to the centre on the days when your course was not on if possible.

You may well find though, that even after all this she will still cry when left, but the amount of time will be gradually reduced, until it's just at that 'I stop crying as soonas Mummy has left the room'type.

Also, you could try spending some time with her yourself in the creche, so that the faces and the environemt are also familiar, before you start to try leaving for short periods.

Hope any of this helps