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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

8 year old never tells me he loves me.

15 replies

HereInMyHead · 29/08/2016 08:07

My 8 year old son never tells me he loves me, Yesterday he told me he liked me, but didn't love me. I don't believe it for one minute, but it still hurts. How can I help him to express himself? I think he thinks emotions are silly :(

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228agreenend · 29/08/2016 08:11

It's not unusual for boys not to demonstrative. I have one ds who never hugs me, and who who will, now both teens. Neither have ever said that love me.

Lweji · 29/08/2016 08:15

It's better than saying he hates you as many do.

It may be an issue with what you and him think love means.
I'd talk to him about the ways people love.
Maybe he even thinks it's for couples.

BearFeet · 29/08/2016 08:17

Ds1 never tells me he loves me or gives me kisses or cuddles.
Dd1 kisses cuddles and tells me she loves me all the time.
Ds2 never tells me he loves me but loves kisses and cuddles.

They're all so different but I know they all love me and that's enough for me.

I got very upset the other day and ds1 gave me a cuddle 😍

MattBerrysHair · 29/08/2016 08:28

Some children aren't that emotionally aware and have difficulty identifying just what it is that they feel. Other children are more aware but feel uncomfortable verbalising it. Ds1 tells me he loves me all the time but only learned to cuddle me after he saw ds2 enjoying cuddles and got jealous! Ds2 never says 'I love you' but is the cuddliest most affectionate little thing ever. Most weeks at least one of them says they hate me

Original poster

HereInMyHead · 29/08/2016 08:31

Thanks everyone. I suppose I am very much the type of person that needs to hear that I am loved.He does cuddles, but it's very much on his terms. He does loving things I suppose. For example, he went away with his dad a for a few days and he rang me. Apparently that was his idea :)

Yes, I think I will talk to him about different types of love.

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Original poster

HereInMyHead · 29/08/2016 08:32

Thankfully, he has never said he hates me. Think that would break me!

OP posts:

ArgyMargy · 29/08/2016 09:32

So you want to force your emotional needs onto a 7 year old? Do you think that's wise?

corythatwas · 29/08/2016 09:36

OP, not wishing to sound harsh, but you really must not lay your need to feel loved on an 8yo boy. You are his mother, you are his rock, you are there to support him through some very difficult changes over the next few years, he needs to feel that you are strong enough not to cope even when he gets things wrong.

Ime as boys move into their pre-teens, they need to assert their independence. Subconsciously, they need to know that you are strong enough to cope with them growing up and starting adult life. They often do this through distancing themselves from any "soppy" stuff. If you try to insist, or become emotional, they will feel they need to distance themselves from you.

You need to show him that there are loads of ways in which he can show you affection without making himself uncomfortable. A shared joke is a good way of showing affection. A helping hand is a good way of showing affection. A conversation where you listen to each other is a good way of showing affection.

Not only can you love a variety of people: you can also show your love in a variety of ways. They are all valid.

lightcola · 29/08/2016 09:37

Love shouldn't be forced. I would never expect my child to love me. If they do then great, but it's more important to me that they feel loved.

corythatwas · 29/08/2016 09:44

sorry, a superfluous "not" there: obviously, you need to be strong enough to cope.

My take on the whole pre-teen/teen thing is that I will not stand for rudeness, name-calling or unpleasant personal remarks, but neither will I insist that they have to feel a certain way, let alone that they have to show their feelings in a certain way.

Imagine if you had a partner who insisted that you had to show your love for him in a certain way, and that this was something that made your flesh crawl. And that if you did not do it regularly he would get emotional with you. Also imagine that this was in the olden days so you couldn't just move away from him. Would you not be grateful if he had the courtesy to let you show any affection in a way that worked for you? And would you not, in fact, feel more affection if he did not pressure you in this matter?

Ime what works for older children is to recognise that they do in many ways have similar feelings of privacy and integrity to us. The fact that we knew them when they didn't, when they were just little poo-smeared bundles to be washed and cuddled, is neither here nor there: that is not who they are now. My recipe for a happy life with teens is to learn to enjoy new ways of communication.

Lweji · 29/08/2016 09:46

You do need to prepare yourself because in all likelihood he will tell you he hates you. It could be in a rage or as a joke, but don't let it get to you.

And I agree that he's the one who needs to feel secure in your love.

BearFeet · 29/08/2016 10:57

Ds 9 will tell me he hates me sometimes. It doesn't bother me at all. He probably means it at the time but we just move on.

The most important thing for my dc to know is that I love them, they can tell me anything and I'm always on their side. If they feel that way then I'm doing my job.

Witchend · 29/08/2016 12:57

I came from a family from whom I don't think I ever heard "I love you" from anyone's lips. It didn't make any difference: we all knew we were loved.

Of my dc, dd2 may occasionally say it, ds says it quite often. It doesn't mean he loves me more than the others, he's just more demonstrative.
If I asked dd1 to say it she'd squirm and get really embarrassed. Probably would manage to say it, but almost certainly in a "I have to do it" kind of way which would mean nothing. What means much more is when she brings me back my favourite chocolate from her pocketmoney or things like that. That's her way of showing love.

Original poster

HereInMyHead · 29/08/2016 17:00

Hi Everybody,

Thanks for all the advice. Am going to take it on board and calm down! :)

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VioletBam · 30/08/2016 03:45

I don't think it's a "boy thing" at all. I have two DDs and one is very demonstrative both verbally and physically while the other gets very irritated if she senses any expectation over "that sort of thing" she will VERY occasionally hug me but she doesn't tell me she loves me. I tell her of course.

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