Opinions of mums with 6/7 yr olds needed please... annoyed about a friend's comment

[Lsmum]

Just before Christmas, dh & I arranged a lunch at a local pub/playcentre with another couple. I've known this particular friend since we were teenagers, and now we're both married with children - I have a 6 year old ds, and she has a ds (nearly 8) and a dd (10 yrs old). I've been to this place for lunch with my playgroup friends several times before, as it has great kids' facilities (a playground, video/games room, playstation room, etc) and it gives us a chance to sit down and have a nice meal/chat while the kids play.

Anyway, she is very particular about her children - I can't think of a better way to say it, except that she's had them involved in various extra-curricular activities since they were little and now she's just pulled them out of their school and has put them into separate, more expensive schools. Her whole life seems to be about their education, their achievements, their behaviour, etc etc. I think it's great that she wants them to be the best that they can be, but they don't seem like most other children their age - they seem more reserved and a bit socially 'different' from their peers, if that makes sense.

While we were sitting at the table, we ordered our meals and then ds asked me if he could go outside to play. I said 'yes' as I assumed that my friend would also let hers do the same thing until our meals arrived. She made them both sit there at the table and not move, while ds went off and played in the play area with a bunch of other children. I could tell she didn't think this was 'right' and asked me whether I thought it was ok for him to go outside and play while we were waiting for our lunch. I said it was fine, as we'd been there before with other friends and the kids always tend to go and play while we're waiting for the food. In fact, the only time I've seen my other friends' kids sit down at the table is while they're eating, and then they go off to play again! I thought this was quite normal behaviour..

Anyway I spoke to her today and she told me that when we'd gone to lunch that day, she thought that ds had been 'all over the place' (referring to him going outside to play and then coming back inside when his lunch was ready), and that he should 'focus' more (???). In other words, sit at the table and not think about going outside to play perhaps...? I'm a bit annoyed about her comment, because ds was well-behaved the whole time we were there - he just didn't sit at the table the whole time like she thought he should. Personally I think it's quite normal for a 6 year old boy to want to go outside when there's a playground and other interesting things there. Not only that, her son is almost two years older than mine and her daughter is four years older, so obviously they would find it easier to sit there doing nothing, than my son would. As long as he's not misbehaving, I didn't think I'd done anything wrong by letting him go outside to play. What do others think? I feel a bit insulted, as I don't comment on anything she does with her children and I feel that my son was just being normal.

Your son sounds totally normal, she sounds a bit barking, 'focus?' At six? fgs. Ignore her, she's odd by the sound of it. She's also out of order criticising. But you're right not to comment on her children and she's wrong to give unsolicited criticism imo. I think I'd leave it in that I wouldn't say anything but I probably wouldn't see too much of her tbh. And if she asked why I'd tell her (solicited you see, that would be)

And what business is it of hers????

She needs to get a life, and let her children have one, too!

What on earth could be wrong with a bit of fresh air, excercise, and social interaction before a meal, rather than sitting bored.

Pushy mum syndrome. Saw this in London on Sunday when I took my dds to their cousin's birthday party. DDs are 7 & 8, btw.

Ignore.

My children are 9 and 3 btw

Yes, agree with WWW. She does sound odd.

god, she sounds bonkers. poor children.
I'm all for making sure they sit at the table nicely from a young age when taken somewhere where there isn't anything to do other than irritate fellow diners - but in a family pub with playground and playroom? WTF?!

You're right, she's odd (and rude to boot!).

to the op, that other mums a wierdo

don't do lunch with her again and don't compare you and your ds to her and her kids, your normal she's not,

Totally agree with everyone here. Your son is being normal. You were being normal to let him play before the food arrived. It's your friend with the problem. Its a pity she doesn't realise that that it's her, not you.

You specially chose a kid friendly pub, and your ds behaved at the table when he had his food. I think your friend is being too uptight to insist on sitting at the table betweeen ordering food and eating it.

Did you ask your friend before letting your ds run off to play? You say " I could tell she didn't think this was 'right' and asked me whether I thought it was ok for him to go outside and play while we were waiting for our lunch." Perhaps she was put out that you had not asked her first?

As she has strict rules about sitting at the table, she may have been assuming all the adults would form a united front. That's not fair of course for your and your son, but it might have been your friend's expectation.

Mind you, if you had asked her permission, then she would have said 'no' and that would have been really frustrating!

It is always a difficult one I think, when you are with a friend and their children and you can see the friend insists on certain behaviour that you don't. I tend to be a wimp and go along with my friend's wishes for the sake of a quiet life.

I also think your friend was trying to compete on the excellent parent front. That would put me off seeing her, unless she had lots of mitigating qualities.

It is very bad manners, I think, to offer unsolicited criticism of children to their parents. When I used to meet up with old friends like this, I was surprised how many of them felt fine about passing comments like this. I had two friends in particular who did this when my oldest son was around 4/5/6 years.

I actually made a conscious decision not to see them as much as a result.

"It is always a difficult one I think, when you are with a friend and their children and you can see the friend insists on certain behaviour that you don't. I tend to be a wimp and go along with my friend's wishes for the sake of a quiet life"

yes that's right, it is always difficult. but why would this friend's standards take precedence over the OP's or your's? in their home maybe, but in a public place? I don't see why. I must say I find it ruinous to a happy occasion to have to try and make my children comply with other people's wishes, and not fair to me or them. what about my wishes and my standards? some sort of compromise, surely?

anyway, to answer the OP, your friend is rude and rude. and your child is extremely normal

I think this is fine. If you had been at a pub where all the children could do is run between the tables annoying other people then that would be different. I think a 6yo should be capable of sitting nicely at a table waiting for a meal, maybe with some pens and paper or top trumps cards or whatever. But if there is a safe playground for him to play in, what is the point of him sitting at the table "focusing" on his lunch? Did she let her children play afterwards?

I would have insisted that my DCs (5 and 2) come to the table when the food was served and stay until everyone had finished eating, although not coffees etc. And I think that is quite strict.

Agree your friend is odd and rude. If she brings it up again, I'd say 'I didn't criticise you for imposing different rules to mine. But since you brought it up, actually I thought you were being very strict bringing the children to a pub with a playground and not letting them play. Don't forget ds is only six.'

If you decide to let it go rather than use up any more energy on it, just make sure you set some ground rules the next time you see her. 'As there's a playground, I'll let ds play outside while we are waiting for our food.'

Bozza, yes she eventually let her children go out into the playground after they'd finished lunch, but she went outside at one point to tell her daughter she was sitting in an 'unlady-like' way on the swing. I mean, children don't tend to worry about things like that in a playground, do they??!

She also commented that she wouldn't normally go somewhere like that for lunch (I take it she means a casual, kid-friendly type of restaurant). I don't particularly like going to places like that all the time either, but I figured that we may as well go somewhere that the kids could enjoy too. That was my idea, anyway - obviously she doesn't see it the same way.

you were letting your child have fun outside on a day off (weekend/holiday). Why is that wrong?

a lot more harmful to never give children any time out to relax, make their own choices and socialise.

If it was me I would avoid seeing her with children in the future - or even at all.

You're the normal one. I've got a friend like this. You just have to learn to ignore these comments.

mad cow

why would you want to sit with your children anyway?

She sounds very Victorian and very snobbish!

Harpsi, I very much agree about the injustice of letting a friend's parenting rules taking precidence over your parenting rules in a public place.

Having learned the hard way, I try to anticipate any differences between me and other parents and bring them up asap, so we all know where we stand. Like Edam, I try to set some ground rules for everyone.

But I have done this and still found parents who would say, for instance 'actually, no, I don't want my children playing in the kids rooms till after we have eaten'. It's the parent with the strict rules who are most likely to be stubborn IME!

So in that case, one of you has to give way. IME I'm usually the parent with the laxer rules, so I move up a gear in strictness, rather than puting pressure on the other parent to move down a gear. And then think twice about meeting them again.

TBH I generally find I am the stricter parent, but still think this particular friend is a bit out of order and bonkers. I think it is rude to criticise your choice of venue also.

I was brought up to sit at the table and behave myself, and I do tend to take on board and pass on the manners and values I was taught as a child, but even I think your friend sounds completely bonkers!

That sort of pub is there precisely so that your son and all other children can go off and play and have fun in a safe environment, and allow the adults to talk amongst themselves without being constantly bothered by the children. Now if you were saying your son was going to and from the playground during the meal, I have to say I would disapprove of that, but if he came to eat his meal when it arrived and only left the table when he had finished eating, then I think he behaved as well as any small child should.

I would avoid meals with this friend again, particularly if they are going to be in pubs/restaurants of her choice!

wow. ive got a friend like this, her kids can't eat crisps in the lounge etc, and im more like you, a bit more relaxed! just ignore her, silly uptight woman she is! sometimes we wonder what we are really doin spending our time with people who are outspoken and nothing like ourselves

I feel very sorry for her children not being able to play, I think that is unfair especially when its a place designed with children in mind, she sounds like a really pushy parent 'focus more' I think I would have said 'he was focusing on playing and being a normal child'

We all want our children to be the best they can, but a big part of their development and learning especially social is through play, your so called friend was very wrong to criticise your sons very normal behaviour.

I wonder how long it will be before her dc rebel

Hardly fair on the children, things/places like that are for the childrens benefit anyway - don't our needs/wants usually come second?

I think she was being too harsh on her children and bang out of order suggesting that your son should focus more. Sounds as though you will have a well balanced, sociable boy who relates to other children well etc. Very good that he has the confidence to go and make friends and play nicely - that in itself is a massive skill that will serve him well in life.

Agree, those poor children.

Fancy having rules about how to sit on a swing!

Wonder what she does about REAL issues.

DumbledoresGirl, as soon as we told ds his lunch was ready, he came inside and sat down and didn't try to get up again until he'd finished. Actually he was chatting away to my friend's daughter while we were eating, so I'm certain he was sitting there for a good 20 minutes or so until he finished his lunch. Then he asked if he could go outside to play again and we agreed - I thought SURELY by this stage, she will let her children go out to play. She did let them out after lunch, but I've got a feeling that she thought it was 'rude' for ds to go outside and play while we had company at the table - she probably thought he should've sat there like a little adult and listened to the conversation. But he's still only 6 and I chose that particular venue so we could have a nice, relaxed lunch and not worry about what the kids were doing!! We must be from different planets...

LOL at wheresthehamster - 'I wonder what she does about REAL issues'. Precisely.

I'm with you.

Your 'friend' is a loon.