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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Advice please - 8 yr old boy stealing food!

101 replies

biscuitlover · 30/01/2007 10:28

I'm at my wits end and need some advice please! My DS has been for a while taking food from the kitchen without asking. He's quite cunning about it and takes things when he goes to the bathroom on a morning before anyone gets up (we have a downstairs bathroom which you go through the kitchen to get to ). He always denies taking anything even though we find wrappers and crumbs in his room. It's not just sweet things he takes but bread, crackers etc. This has been going on for ages now and I've run out of ways to deal with this. Each time he's eventually admitted taking food and then promised not to do it again but a few days later he's started again. I'm concerned that this may lead to bigger problems as he gets older. He does well at school, has lots of friends and our family life is fine - apart from this! I'm resorting to putting cupboards locks on today. Any advice would be great as I'm out of ideas.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ginnedupmummy · 31/01/2007 21:20

Message withdrawn

peegeeweegee · 31/01/2007 23:13

Well, where does it stop. Surely the tv belongs to everybody, so does that mean the dc can watch it unlimitedly (if there is such a word)
Play on the computer for hours without limits - after all it belongs to everybody.

Of course my dc know how to make their own snacks, and they do so all the time - AFTER they have asked me if they can have one!!
They also help sort the laundry, set and clear the table and help with the washing up!
In addition they feed the pets - so they are going to be just fine as adults, in addition to having some manners!!

Fillyjonk · 01/02/2007 08:26

snap ginnedupmummy

Thats it really, isn't it? Making food is a skill and one I want them to develop.

I just don't get why this is an issue. Whats the worse that can happen? This kid learns to cook his own beans on toast? Whats the big deal?

Think manners are "learnt" by example. Treat a kid with respect and they will learn manners.

Soapbox · 01/02/2007 09:35

Well I suppose there are different views of what constitutes good manners Peegee...

I happen to think that making children feel relaxed in their own home and treating them with enough respect to trust them to know when they want to take a snack etc is a sign of very good manners and I know that they are learning from our good example.

I would think it bad manners otoh, to expect people who are part of my close family to ask if they can have a snack. I would not want my children to learn those bad manners from me!

In the same way as when close friends stay overnight, I tell them to 'make themselves at home', help yourself to snacks, drinks, wine etc!

sunnysideup · 01/02/2007 10:15

Totally agree Soapbox. Kids are very good at learning 'rules' but keeping to the rule of asking for a snack is a completely, completely different thing to having true good manners..which are about thinking about the other person, considering their needs and acting accordingly.

Pee, I'm NOT saying your children do not have good manners, I'm making a distinction between them keeping to your rule about asking and good manners in general. Having rules and having kids that keep to them is simply about having kids that keep to rules. It does not follow that this will give them general good manners, which depend on a level of empathy for others, which is only gained if they are themselves shown empathy and treated with respect. Having rules is definitely PART of this but only a part.

What I mean is that I treat my ds with the utmost respect and trust him to do things right. With food, and with an 8 yr old child, I would certainly expect them to be able to know when they are hungry and take an appropriate snack when they are hungry and I don't think this has ANYTHING to do with manners. Knowing when you are hungry and taking a snack is not disrespectful!

batters · 01/02/2007 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chenin · 01/02/2007 11:29

Aren't the different views of 'helping yourself' interesting...?

TBH I understand exactly where the OP is coming from. Kids are very different... if I had allowed my two DDs (now 18 and 15) to just help themselves to anything at any time, they would have just been like a herd of locusts, particularly DD1. She can be very greedy at times and eats cos she's bored, cos its there (even if she doesn't really want it!). She will help herself to something and then moan at me cos I let her eat it.

Also I have the house stocked up for nice family meals and I know I would open the fridge and half the ingredients would be gone, if I had let my DDs have free rein in the kitchen.

Granted mine are older now and, of course, they could always have fruit and that type of thing when they wanted. However, I have left a full fruit bowl and when DD1 was younger she has literally eaten the whole lot... just for something to do!

I think they need to understand they should eat when they really need food, not out of boredom so I have always been quite strict on this.

It sounds like the OP's son is just eating out of habit or greed, not cos he is hungry. After all, how can he be hungry after a plate of shepherds pie, veg and a yogurt? TBH I don't think its good to continually eat between meals, although I understand when kids are younger, they need the odd snack as fuel.

Soapbox · 01/02/2007 12:59

Hellibean - that makes no sense at all!

If your DD is being greedy around food, then your controlling it for her, clearly hasn't worked! What about when you aren't there who's going to control her food intake then?

Clearly your approach has taught her nothing!

I am also quite astonished at how a child who is reed thin according to the OPmum can be described as greedy. He is eating because he is hungry. If he was greedy he would be overeating and fat!

I find the use of the word greedy rather odd tbh - almost as odd as the concept of stealing from your own cupboards!

Imafairy · 01/02/2007 13:01

What Soapy says......

lisalisa · 01/02/2007 13:06

Message withdrawn

eviletc · 01/02/2007 13:10

posted on the other thread a couple of days ago about this but...

if you let your dc's have unlimited (albeit healthy) snacks - do they eat their regular meals?

no-one seems to have commented on that unless i missed it ?

CAMy · 01/02/2007 13:28

Gosh and golly at some of the comments on this thread

It would never have occurred to me to restrict access to food with either of my dd's.

What I did/do is to teach them about nutrition the best I can, and show them by example about healthy eating.

We have biscuits and stuff in the house all the time but they can go untouched for months sometimes.

I find the concept of "stealing" in this regard frankly baffling.

fizzbuzz · 01/02/2007 13:51

Helliebean......teenagers.....they all seem to be able to eat for England all the time......find it v wearing and bloody expensive....

OrmIrian · 01/02/2007 13:57

My eldest never stops eating. If I had to get food for him everytime he was hungry I'd never be out of the kitchen! We have a rule that fruit, cheese, plain biscuits, water, milk are always OK - but not just before dinner or after teeth-cleaning obviously. Anything else they have to ask.

Could you make it clear that he can always have certain foods without asking - give him some control over his own eating - but 'treats' are out of bounds unless he asks you first?

scatterbrain · 01/02/2007 13:58

Was thinking about this thread last night - and remembered that when I read the title I immediately thought that he must be stealing it to feed a stray dog or a tramp or something ! Never in my wildest dreams did I think someone would be saying that their child was stealing food to eat themselves - such a weird concept - I can't stop thinking about it !!

duvet · 01/02/2007 14:15

Yeah helliebean, eating for something to do, i recognise i do that at times, and i used to do it lot when i was a teenager and felt bored, so i think that can be an issue, but if so then a parent needs to think of something creative to fill a child's time, so they are not bored.

I'd like to be asked regrding some foods cos like you said helliebean it's really frustrating when you have a meal plan and some of the ingredients are gone, but it is good for kids to be able to help themselves to some stuff like toast, fruit etc. The other thing that could be an issue is when your child doesn't eat all their main meal and then fills up on other stuff in the evening instead, I'm very much well you cant have that now after you didn't finsih your dinner 1/2 hour ago!

chenin · 01/02/2007 14:38

soapbox... I didn't particularly control it for her when she is younger!! Its just that now she would eat for the sake of it given half the chance, not cos she is hungry?

We all know that feeling, don't we? Surely you have stuffed yourself out of boredom, or because you are hormonal or just because its there? At 18 its not something I could control anyway! I have said 'do you really want that'. She would answer 'yes, course I do'. She would eat it and then say 'Awwww Mum, why did you let me eat that... I didn't really want it!' Bloody teenagers! I dont think its anything to do with food restrictions that I imposed when they were younger cos I didn't particularly. I just think some kids are like it and some aren't. My DD2 has more of a 'take it or leave it' attitude to food.

chenin · 01/02/2007 14:42

How can the original OPmum's son be eating cos he is hungry when he is saying he is hungry after, as OP put it, a large helping of shepherds pie, veg and a yogurt? Nobody is hungry after eating a big meal? So that just illustrates he is doing it for attention, or boredom or habit, surely?

scatterbrain · 01/02/2007 14:43

How can you know that without knowing him or his metabolism though ?

chenin · 01/02/2007 14:52

cos I bet he refused a second helping of shepherds pie because he was full....!

Soapbox · 01/02/2007 14:55

Helliebean - your body requires a certain number of calories to make it work properly - if you have more than that you get fat!

The OP's son is not fat he is 'wirey', so ergo, he is consuming calories that his body needs. I think bodies are funny things, if they need the calories, I don't think they much care whether you've just had a big meal or not!

If he was eating in a way that was not being required by the body, he would be overweight! But he isn;t!

What may well be the case is that opportunities for his furtive eating present themselves more easily in the evening after his main meal, so that is when he does it!

If he isn't fat though, his overall calorific requiremets are just being met, and he is not overeating.

chenin · 01/02/2007 15:02

soapbox... I understand what you are saying. I just think that at the moment he does need the odd snack as fuel to supplement his meals but any more than that and I think that it can turn into just a habit and next minute OPmum will look at him and think "Blimey he has put on weight".

This is how obesity starts in kids... constant snacking. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe not. I just know the difference between my two DDs... both treated the same... allowed to help themselves to fruit and the odd healthy snack. DD1 loves her food.. worries about her weight a little... and will eat when not hungry (so she says!) DD2 is a different kettle of fish... not so interested in food and really has a healthier approach to it in a way. I dunno... you just go by instinct I suppose

CAMy · 01/02/2007 18:07

When I was a child eating used to make me hungry! I was skinny all my life until I had dd2 at 40 and had always eaten lots of snack as well as normal healthy meals, my dd (10) is similar.

Maybe the young lad isn't eating at school for some reason?

Sorry but the concept of punishment around a child wanting to eat just doesn't cut it with me, we spend all that time when they're babies wanting them to eat enough, what's to change when they're 8?

OrmIrian · 01/02/2007 18:25

helliebean - I can see what you mean. Snacking might not be a good habit in adults but I think it's normal in children. As long as what is being eaten is good. If you instill a basic understanding of nutrition in childhood an adult should be able to keep control of what they eat and when. I used to get mad as hell when my kids wouldn't eat a meal and then wanted snacks and I wouldn't let them have anything. Then I realised that DS#1 (at the age of about 9) was eating everything on his plate and still wanting a snack later even though he's refused seconds. I did worry about it for a while - I think I posted on here - thinking that he'd start to get fat although he's is slim and tall. I think that they get bored with one type of food and don't want to eat any more of it even though they might still be hungry. I would be worried if the food the were eating were always very high in empty calories but not otherwise.

Fillyjonk · 01/02/2007 19:26

I don't eat cos I am bored. I really don't. Its taken me years to get to this point, tbh, after growing up in a family where some foods were seen as a naughty treat and there was a general total lack of interest in actually cooking-it was a boring chore. My family didn't eat together, my mum was constantly on a diet. And we were guilt tripped into eating food "oh that cost me so much" etc.

My brother has serious serious issues over food. He literally lives on take outs and Greggs. Unsuprisingly he is the size of a house and I am rather worried about him.

BUT I have worked through this myself and no, now I don't eat through boredom. I eat when I am hungry. I don't use food as a treat or reward.

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