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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How old was your son when he went to the gents (alone!)

58 replies

scampadoodle · 29/01/2007 13:15

DS1 is 5.5 & the past couple of times we've been out he's insisted on going to pee in the men's room, rather than my accompanying him in the ladies. The first time was a family party & the second was at a soft play centre. I mentioned it to DH last night & he thought DS1 too young. I'm going to make him use the ladies now, for a while longer, even if only to make sure he washes his hands , but what do other MNers think?

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Hallgerda · 29/01/2007 20:47

I let mine go to the gents as soon as they were able to sort out their own pants and trousers (so from around three and a half). And they've never witnessed anything untoward (unless you count notices about clap clinics, which one of my children read out so loudly one day I could hear him from the Ladies...)

I've mentioned the (not infrequent) threads on this matter on here to my DH, and he's never seen anything bad going on in a gents' toilet either.

Bozza · 29/01/2007 21:34

I think there are two issues with men's toilets.

The remote possibility of some cottaging going on/ the child being approached etc.
The much more likely prospect that it will be horrible and dirty even compared to the adjacent ladies.

Those of you who hover outside, what do you do if you or your DD also need to go to the toilet?

katelyle · 29/01/2007 21:44

ok - 5 think everyone should ask every man they know whether they have ever seen anything "untoward"going on in the gents, and come back and tell us.I would put good money on none of them, ever! My ds is nearly 6 and he likes to go to the gents by himself and I always let him if it doesn't smell too bad. A more tricky problem is what do men do when they are on their own with their daughters?

Tiggerish · 29/01/2007 21:53

For me it very much depends on where we are. In our favourite cafe, ds (4.8) will go in on his own with me hovering outside. Elsewhere, he is usually happy to come into the ladies.

maggiems · 29/01/2007 22:35

My DT1(5) who moves at the speed of light and is impossible to prevent going into the gents as i am trying to get Dt2 to leave his burger and chips in McD's , bombs in ahead of me. As I wait outside anxiously for what seems like forever I hear a very cross voice shouting to someone in the loo " Are you ever going to come out of there. I am dying to go" . I still cant persuade either to come into the ladies. Doubly difficult when you have twins.

Skribble · 29/01/2007 22:45

About 7 yrs in places like softplay about 8/9 yrs for public loos and still take him in with me if they look particularly grotty.

Can't see why anyone should worry about a 10 yr old in a ladies toilet unless he is looking under the cubicles.

Sorry but there are weirdos and they do hang about in loos, and my 10yr old is the slightest bit interested in a bunch of ladies or in fact girls going to the loo. OK 10 is really about the limit for this now I suppose. I will let him use public loos now but as I said if they look really bad, sorry but no way, came across enough weirdos in grotty ladies loos never mind the mens, some mens infact lot of mens loos you can smell them from outside.

Skribble · 29/01/2007 22:48

OK asked DH....

and he said about 13/14 times seen guys just hanging about.

And the rest of the time they are so disgusting he hates the idea of his son using them by himself.

and when with DD he will use the disabled as most mens actual toilets are so bad he wouldn't want his daughter sitting on them and if he has to take her in one he says he has held her over the loo so she doesn't touch it.

nooka · 29/01/2007 22:55

I have a speedy boy too, and at 7 I expect him to use the gents unless he doesn't want to. If they are very horrible he will come out and say so, but I've been in plenty of smelly ladies too. My ex is more cautious, and so would probably take dd (6) in with him - to be honest I don't suppose she would be happy on her own, so it would either mean ds going in with her to the ladies (and risk them getting up to no good together) or her going in to the mens. I can't really see a problem with it. I have been in the situation of asking men going into the gents to persuade ds to rejoin us!

SillyBillyBee · 29/01/2007 22:56

My ds started wanting to go to the gents by himself when he turned 6 and I wait outside watching everyone who goes in and out of there and timing him
I would rather he always went in the ladies with me but sometimes he just won't although I can usually get him to by saying that I need the toilet as well and therefore I can't wait outside for him. And yes 8 times out of 10 I'm telling a little white lie

Skribble · 29/01/2007 23:01

Anyone else asked their DH, perhaps mine just goes to dodgy loos .

He just confirmed what I thought, there are some public loos where there are no attendants and are used regularly for drug taking and dealing and sheltering in.

SodWork · 29/01/2007 23:03

Ds is just coming up to 6. The only gents he goes in on his own is the cafe/bar at the gym - it's usually really quiet when we go in and I can see who else is going in and out (usually nobody!). Anywhere else - out at shops or theatre for example - he comes in with me.

nappyaddict · 29/01/2007 23:03

my cousins are 4 and they go in the gents by themselves.

Bozza · 30/01/2007 09:10

Sribble all my DH has ever said is about how dirty they are, and he ends up cleaning up (wipind down with loo paper or whatever) before letting DS sit on the toilet. Although DS will stand unless he needs a poo these days. But when he was younger (3 ish) I think DS would sit.

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 10:20

There are lots of men who hang around loos hoping for homosexual activity who would never dream of touching a child. Most paedophiles are heterosexual.

3sEnough · 30/01/2007 10:26

I let my ds (6) go to the gents alone if it's in a small soft play for instance (there is only one gents loo) as I can see easily everybody there. If it's a bigger or 'public' gents loo though - no way until much bigger/older.

prettybird · 30/01/2007 10:30

Fortyplus - my dad used to make a simialr point when people went on abut homosexuals at his hopsital: that the risk, if there was one, to children (it was a children's hposital) was greater from the heterosexuals than the homosexuals.

hannahsaunt · 30/01/2007 10:37

It's not just the boys though (and ds1 (6) gets to go by himself in limited circumstances). A few months ago (when we were living elsewhere) a 7yo girl went to the ladies by herself (shopping centre) whilst her uncle and brother went to the gents - perfectly reasonable not to want to take a 7yo girl to the gents - they raised the alarm after waiting for her for a few minutes and she was found dead, raped and murdered in one of the cubicles . Just no right answers to these sorts of questions really.

3andnomore · 30/01/2007 10:50

Oh, sd, this is such a difficult one, isn't it...but my es was probably about 6 when he was not going to come into the Ladies with me anymore.
I used to stand infront of the men's loo anxiously awaiting his return....the men going in/coming out of the loo must have thought I was well weird...lol...if I felt it took him to long I would usually asked the next trustworthy looking person either leaving or going into the loos if they had seen/or could just shout my son to see if all is alright...so embaressing but needs must, eh!

Skribble · 30/01/2007 12:35

I am not for a minute suggesting that all homosexuals are paedophiles, or remotely interested in young boys.

But sorry the type of person that hangs about in a toilet looking for sex is not the kind of person I want my son to come across. In my DH's experience the people are more likely to be taking drugs than cottaging anyway. Needles are abondoned and junkies that do deals in loos won't think twice about nicking a childs jacket or other items if he thinks he can get any money for them to go towards his next fix.

I want my son to have a positive veiw of homosexuality anyway and not to see it as something sordid that happens in grotty loos. In this day and age hanging about he loos hoping for sex is not part and parcel of being gay and probably not an image that the majority of gay guys I know want to be portrayed anymore, yes there is still a minority, but hey guys get a room.

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 13:34

That's fair comment.

My best friend's brother was gay and lived with another guy like a little old married couple.

But part of their lifestyle involved nights out seeking casual sex with strangers.

They both died of AIDS - something that I have always found it hard to come to terms with as I can't understand the promiscuous side of their lives.

But I would have happily left my sons in their care.

Skribble · 30/01/2007 13:53

As I said being gay or having casual sex after a night out is not what worries me, men hanging about in toilets in town centres and parks through the day is what bothers me.

It is junkies, smack heads and dealers that worry me. If people hanging about in toilets can make my husband (who is 6'4", 17st, and a self defence instructor) nervous then I am sure as hell not sending in my 10 yr old son.

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 14:00

I know what you mean. When mine were little there were a couple of cases reported in our local paper of discarded syringes left in children's playgrounds. A 3 yr old child pricked her finger on one and had to have tests for HIV and Hepatitis - fortunately she was ok.
I worry in a different way now they're older - would a druggie beat them up to get money or a phone to sell?
I dare say once they're older still it'll be driving carefully.
Who'd have kids, eh?

elliott · 30/01/2007 14:13

my ds is nearly 5.5 and when he asks to go to the men's I tend to let him -I must be very innocent or a bit odd because it hadn't occurred to me to be worried about him being molested - i prefer him to go with me to the ladies but only so I can make sure he doesn't get stuck or forget to wash his hands.... and its actually quite nice to be able to send him off without having to take him all the time
I mean we're not talking about outside toilets in dodgy parks, but toilets in shops and cafes and dance centres etc

fortyplus · 30/01/2007 14:19

My 2 are 11 & 13 so have been using 'nice' loos on their own for a while.

Then last year there was that case in the paper of a 12 yo boy who'd been raped in a supermarket toilet.

I was horrified but the rational side of me said that it's remotely unlikely to happen to mine - it's such a rare occurrence.

How awful for him and his family, though

Skribble · 30/01/2007 14:22

I think as well we have to remeber its not all about them getting molested, it is the risk of mugging, needles and other junkie stuff and the fact that mens loos are so disgusting!!!!!! Of course we are not talking about play centres and the loos in Debenhams (well they smell too), I am talking about the ones in supermarkets with the special blue lighting and the public loos down the high street.

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