How to tell ds the family dog is going to be put down

[mrsmoux]

My ds (who's 3) loves my dog (who lives with my parents but we see him lots) and is really good friends with him. He's quite old and has suddenly become quite ill. I think it's not going to be long before he has to be put down. Does anyone have any advice or experience in how to break the news? Should I let ds say goodbye, even come to vets if it happens? My parents are going to be devastated, quite apart from how I feel. I think ds is so young he'll forget easily but he might be more upset by seeing how upset we are... how do you explain death to a 3 year old?

I think, if that was me, I wouldn't tell the child that the dog was going to be put down but wait until after it had happened.

I would tell him that he died at the vets because he was so old and poorly and his body just got too tired.

I don't think I'd want my 3 year old to think when a person got old and tired then a doctor would "put them down" - which might be a natural conclusion to a small child.

Sorry you have to deal with this

Mrs,
How to explain death to a 3yr old , well it depends if you like me live by the policy of being 100% honest. My DS now 8 was 3 when his great grandad, who he was very close to, died. DS got up the morning after he died and asked if we were going to see "old Grandad" in hospital today, I bit my lip, held back the tears and simply said "No darling, old grandad died last night" he looked at me and said "Why" so i explained that He had gone to live with his mummy, daddy, brothers and sisters and all the other people in his family that he missed and that missed him. I say i bit my lip because i was devastated, my grandad was my life along with my nan and dad. Ds was 5 when my dad died and 7 when "old Nanny" died. When My dad died he took it all in his stride, having an understanding of what had happened. I live by the policy that we cannot shield our children from the true events of life regardless of how much we would like to. A friend of mine told her Dd that her grandad had gone to hospital with a toothache...guess what grandad never came home......

So my advice would be to explain that as much as he loves the dog, the dogs mum loves him too and it is time that he went to live with her again and the only way for that to happen was for him to simply die....ok maybe not in those exact words but words to that effect.

I hope this helps

Keep it simple, don't use euphemisms, and expect him to either burst into tears or not understand at all. A three year old has no concept of "gone forever", and to sugar coat the truth is to make sure he doesn't understand. It's a really dificult subject - for the parent more than the child usually.
The idea of putting the dog down might be a bit too complicated and translate as "you are killing my beloved dog!". It might be better to take him over for one last lovely play together and then tell him after the fact that the dog died because he was ill. If he was a bit older I would say be completely honest, but he's just too young to understand why he has to be put down and will worry about anyone who gets ill!
I'm really sorry about your dog

Agree with mejustme, and that's a lovely post.
We had to tell ds when he was 5 that his uncle's dog was runover - he was heartbroken, but we didn't ignore how he was feeling. He made a card for my brother-in-law and his wife, and wrote down how sad he was feeling. They sent back a lovely photo of the dog, and we've got it framed in his bedroom.

Good luck, it's not easy.

Mateychops,
thanks. it was very hard the first time to explain that old grandad had died, but when ds was 5, my dad was ill for 3 months, during that time i was totally honest with Ds, from the day my dad went into hospital after collapsing at home. While he was in intensive care the proffessor (sp) that was caring for my dad was amazed at ds's understanding of illness and granted permission for him to visit my dad in the ICU. I still believe that this is what gave him the fight to come through it all. Sadly the hospital are at fault big time in as much as a nurse overdosed my darling dad and killed him 3 days before he was due home. Ds also knows this and as harsh as that seems we had to be honest with him. Last June i lost my nan and that hurt ds a lot but i think part of that was the fact that i fell apart i just couldn't cope.

Here is a poem my ds wrote in school in litracy....he has recieved a certificate and an award for it..(ok proud mummy alert here sorry lol)

SADNESS

Sadness is silver, like the sharpness of a knife,
it sounds like the crashing, of a wooden door,
it tastes like the sourness, of the green floor,

sadness smells like burning fuel,
it looks like the redness of the monster in scary movie
it feels like the roughness of a shattered brick,

Sadness.....

It reminds me of my Grandad when he was dying

MrsMoux, I had the same happen last week, our dear old puss was suddenly very ill with cancer and I knew he would be put down dd (4.5) knew he was poorly and I told her that he may have to be put to sleep a couple of days beore the last appointment. I got her to come and help me put him in his basket and kiss him goodbye (I said in case the vet said he'd have to be put to sleep). when I got home without him and tld her, she was really upset and cried and cried and cried but was comforted by hearing how he wasn't at all scared and how he'd gone to sleep in my arms. also is a comfort to her to say a pray each night asking that God gives him some prawns/ milk etc.
mainl, I m really glad she said goodbye to him,I so nearly didn't get her to do it - think it is probably best to be as honest as you can, because whatever you do, I'm afraid your ds will be sad and upset for a time.

all the best, thinkin of you, Dinny

forgot to say, I wouldn't recommend taking your ds to the vet's either - it is so distressing, dd wouldn't have coped (I barely did)

Thank you to all of you - it's good advice. My dog has just come back from the vet and they are waiting another few days before making any decisions so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I think it's right to be honest with ds and I'll take advice not to take him to vets but have a special goodbye at home instead.
I love the rainbow bridge poem - already made me cry. It will be useful because I want to talk to ds about a heaven-type place as it's most comforting for him but DH is committed aetheist and doesn't want to tell ds there's a heaven/afterlife. I think 'there's nothing after life' is a bit harsh for a 3 yr-old - I don't like to think of it myself.
Mejustme, your ds's poem is really good for an 8 years old!
Thanks Mrsmoux

Mejustme, you've got a talented boy there.

Mateychops
Thanks, I am very proud of him and i really enjoyed reading his poem when he showed me.