Racked with guilt, please advise.

[peachespaige]

Ok Ill be as brief as possible.
Ds1 is 2.6 years old and is very energetic and plays quite rough, has always been like this, summersaults off the sofas and never cries. I had ds2 6months ago and ds1 loves him although can be a little over-enthusiastic! Ds1 is at a drop off playgroup where I leave him for 3 hours and he loves it, however recently Ive been informed that he has hit a couple of the boys and one grandmother laid into me at the gates in front of everyone. I spoke to the teachers and they said it was an over-reaction and wasnt that bad etc. But he is crying out a lot in the night and doesnt seem his happy self, in fact I would go as far as saying he is sad. The teachers have said that he seems frustrated and less focused and at home his behaviour is terrible.
Sadly it all seems to have coincided with me going through a down patch and being very inpatient with him.
Do you think Im the cause and if I shout less and try to be more tolerant his behaviour with the other kids will improve. Im racked with guilt and am worried about playgroup on Monday, I dont want him looked upon as a bully. He has always been a pusher but usually when he's playing. I have noticed him hitting more though. Please adivse me, I feel so ashamed of myself if I'm the cause.

Forgot to add that his speech is very good although he has trouble pronouncing the beginings of some words like s or fl. They want his speech assesed in case its making him frustrated. Everyone comments on how well he speeks so that came as a bit of a shock esp as some of the kids at playgroup cant actually talk properly yet. But Im up for trying anything if it helps him.

Firstly, please don't feel guilty!
All children go through different phases, and sometimes they can get upset about things we don't even think will bother them much ie: falling out with a friend at playgroup.
Your son is very young, and is probably just flexing his muscles a bit!
They do tend to mirror our moods though, so if you're feeling down you need to look at how you can change that. Do you have a partner or friends that you can talk to? If it has been for a while, perhaps you should have a chat with your doctor to see what they suggest.
Do you have anyone that could look after your children for a while whilst you have a break?
He will be calmer if you are calmer. And shouting doesn't work, IMO, but you shouldn't be tolerant of aggressive behaviour.
Perhaps you could speak to the playgroup about how they handle his behaviour, and make sure you are happy with that. Then make sure he receives consistent consequences at home and at playgroup.
The grandmother should not have spoken to you at the gates - I would ask the playgroup to speak to her about that, and advise her that it was inappropriate, and that she over-reacted.
HTH.

Thankyou. My dp is brillant and we have talked about ds1 and our behaviour towards him and have agreed that although we are always loving and kind we have been less tolerant recently.
We are trying a new way of dealing with him to see if it works. I know its sounds silly but I feel as if Ive ruined my little boy.
He shares everything and is so concerned about his friends but then he will just turn around a shove them?

You haven't ruined him, peachespaige.
I think he's just growing up a bit, and finding his way.
As long as you are calm and consistent with how you deal with any aggressive behaviour, I'm sure he will learn that it isn't acceptable.
And if you feel like you want to shout at him, walk away for a while until you can calm down.
I think you are right to get a SALT assessment, as it will help him if he can communicate without getting frustrated.
And perhaps you could spend a little time each day just with him? Having a new sibling is a BIG experience for any child, and having some special 'mummy' time, maybe just reading a book and having a cuddle, could be really helpful.

What a lovely post, HumphreyCushion - makes perfect sense.

Peachespaige - I so feel for you about this, and in particular your experience with the grandmother, as something similar happened to me. It floored me totally and was very hurtful - when I got to the bottom of it, my ds had been teased past his endurance and had lashed out at the other child in frustration. School were aware and had dealt with it but not had an opportunity to tell me before her as it was the day of the Christmas play. Haven't forgot that feeling though and it was well over a decade ago!

When ds does play nicely/be helpful be sure to tell him in a positive way 'that was kind to pick up ds2's toy for him' or whatever - and smile or give him a hug. The mirroring feelings works all ways :-)

Oh love, you have not ruined your little boy. If as you say you have been a little intolerant lately it doesn't mean that the results of this are permanent. I defy any parent to say that they are the model of patience, serenity and logic every day of their child's life. I know I'm not. Humphrey is right about children going through phases. When you are in one of these phases it feels like it will last forever but it never does. The daughter of a very good friend of mine was, at the age of 2, always hitting out at her little friends. She would cuddle them one minute and then hit them over the head with a toy the next. My friend felt terrible and encountered the kind of ignorant responses you received from the grandmother at the gate. She thought it would never end but it did. It just passed and nothing she did made that happen.

There is only so much you can do to control the behaviour of your child. THe best thing you can do as a parent is to make your child feel that he is loved absolutely and unconditionally.

From your post you sound like a very caring, responsible and loving parent. I am sure that you will come through this.

Thankyou so so much for your words.
I have really tried to be patient today and when he wouldnt come to the table for lunch I said fine but no tv on whilst we are eating ours and he went nuts and threw his toys around the playroom. I waited for him to finish his tantrum and I calmly got up and shut the playroom door so he couldnt get in. Eventually he calmed down and explained that he really didnt want his lunch so I put him on the sofa with a book. Anyway about 10mins after Id finished my lunch he came in and ate his! I didnt raise my voice once. I know that he wrecked his playroom for my attention (usually negative) but I ignored it which threw him so he stopped! I really feel like Ive been in control today and have acted like the grown up!
Thankyou again and we'll see how Monday goes.

My DS went through a difficult phase about the same age, 6 months after birth of DD. The professionals at the playgroup where I left him said that some children manifest their jealousy of a sibling several months after the birth by acting up to get parents attention. It was just a phase for my DS.

Forgot to say he didn't seem jealous when she was born.

You know- on the home page where they have the interviews with celebs, there's one with Christopher Green (author of toddler taming ) and the question is from a much younger differently named me!

Apaprenlty 6 months is when jealousy can kick off due to the baby becoming mroe independent etc. Whereas mine directed it to each other, your child is perhaps directimng it differently.

Please don't worry, it can pass.

I would suggest rewards for good days, specific times focused on the older child and time and patience.

We have friends staying tonight and ds1 went to bed at 7pm and was heart broken and begging to come downstairs, hes done this before when it was only dp and I, so we said no.
However tonight I let him and he was so happy running around giving us all food and singing. I felt like crying because I havent seen him like this for so long and I really think that because ds2 was in bed it gave ds1 the chance to be himself again, which just breaks my heart.
Dp says it was because he was aloud to stay up late but Im not so sure.
Anyway Ive decided that he can either stay up until 7.30pm and we put ds1 to bed at 7pm or dp comes home early one day a week and ds1 and I do some things together, havent decided which is the best option yet. Ill let you know!Definately feeling happier although still dreading Monday.

My dd1 was 2 and 2 mo when dd2 was born and although she was pretty chilled I felt sooo guilty. Then my hv said that the time will soon come when she won't remember being the only one, and it's true.

It does get better. I've had another one since!

Thanks again. Dr Green was very useful! Im due to pick ds1 up at 12 so Ill post and let you know if there were any incidents.

How did things go today, peachespaige?

Hello. Well after a fantastic weekend behaviour wise, I came crashing down yesterday afternoon. I went to collect ds1 and as I reached the gates I hear this very loud crying and my heart sank..... Ds1 had hit his friend and grazed the little boys face. The only saving grace is that Im very good friends with the injured boys mum and for the last year her ds ahs been biting mine, so we have this weird understanding.lol. We managed to find out that they were playng cars and my ds didnt want the ticket, her ds insisted so they had a cafuffle.
Anyway Im having a meeting with the playgroup on Wednesday as they want to do star charts. Is it stupid that Im so upset that he is the only one that has to have this 'special treatment'? And if hes such a 'typical boy' why then dont the other 6 boys in his class behave this way?

If it is any consolation, I was put on report by my housemistress when I was school - ie. had to get my teachers to sign off on my behaviour in class. They all thought she was batty and it lasted for about 2/3 days! It is frustrating when discipline is based on the opinion of one particular individual who may not necessary make a good decision.

I would certainly make the point that you don't think it right for him to be singled out. Why don't you ask them whether the other boys will also have star charts so that it doesn't appear like your ds is being singled out? How did they deal with the other boy who was biting your ds, out of interest?

One last thing is that I skim read "Raising Boys" which a friend of mine has and there was something about how boys have a testosterone release around the age of 3 which can result in difficult behaviour - perhaps your ds has just got it early??

Thats funny because someone else mention the release of testosterone. Well I picked him up early today to avoid the angry masses, well the evil grandmother. When I got there the teacher was saying to him tell mummmy what we said, I thought omg and he said Im a good boy!! Teacher said he'd been brilliant and that they'd given him lots of one on one time. As we were leaving he was messing around at the gate and I asked what he was doing and he said " leaving my cereal bar for Duncan". And he broke his cereal bar in half and left it at the gate for his friend!! I could have cried. He really is very kind.

Bless!!

peaches, he sounds a gorgeous boy.

I echo what others have said, some of this is simply his age and nothing to do with anything so take off that guilt backpack and throw it away!

Some if it is almost bound to be sibling related, and some related to the tension he felt during your recent bad patch - it does affect children's behaviour of course, but do not WORRY - you're aware of it, you're changing it, and you're obviously a very caring and sensitive mum so this behaviour will be short lived......

oh, and don't for a minute think that you are the only parent the nursery are doing star charts with - lots of other parents will be having all sorts of issues with their kids too, it's just difficult to see this when you are in the thick of things.....

Thankyou, he is gorgeous! Not a bad day at all really. I took him to another playgroup this afternoon and he was actually pretty good, he did poke a boy in the eye but that little boy had pushed him several times. It was quite funny because every time my ds was knocked over he looked at me with a face that said
"the injustice of it all", which made me laugh because he pushes and shoves all the time! I have the meeting tomorrow morning and dp is coming with me. Ill let you know how it goes.
Thankyou so very much for all your posts, they have honestly and truely put me at ease.

How was the meeting?

The meeting was ok, not too sure what we established really. He came home with a happy and sad face chart, so when hes good he gats a happy face and when hes not so good he gets a sad......we'll see how it goes.
They are giving him lots of praise and one to one time and Im doing the same at home. He hasnt had a single tantrum yet so, so far so good.