my friend has turned against me

[gold123]

Well - bit of background:

My "friend" has had/got mental health problems. She has been in our local mental health hospital and was at her worst, a self-harmer.

When she is "well" she is lovely, very considerate, she has 2 children, both the same ages as my two (4&6), we have mutal friends and enjoy many days and social evenings together.

Well it all started, last week, my DH is a bathroom/kitchen fitter and was asked to re-fit, tile etc her mums bathroom. He was doing a good job, but last week there was a mix up on a tile order and the tile shop had to place a special order to get the remainder in. This took 4 days and my dh explained to her parents that, because of the mix up (tile shops fault) he would return and finish the job once they had arrived. (by the way, the bathroom was complete and only the tiles were outstanding) On my friends visit to her mum's, her mum must have said - oh I wish it would hurry up and get finished, its getting on my nerves, we are waiting for the tiles. My friend then sent me, yes me (none of my business) a really nasty e-mail saying that we were messing her about and that my dh has left her mum with no facilities and could we get a move on. This was absolute rubbish, my dh never wold be so inconsiderate to leave people without facilities and in fact the bathroom was in and out the same day.

I sent her an e-mail back saying that. My dh has spoken to her mum and explained (again) that he was waiting for the tiles to finish, her mum said I know that, I haven't a problem.

Anyway, a week later, bathroom now finished and looks amazing, her mum and dad are delighted and they have paid.

I received another e-mail yesterday, stating what a horrible person I am (for sticking up for myself) and that I will make her ill again, and how she didn't want to get involved (excuse me, who sent to 1st e-mail)

I am fed up with her, over the past 2 years I have known her I have become to realise how manipulative she can be, if she is feeling down, she'll shoot everybody around her down and then start crying if they answer her back.

I don't know what to do, do I reply to her e-mail or just ignore her. She even phoned another best friend up to tell her about how bad Ive been 2 days after she had given birth to her son - Why is she making me out to be bad, is it to make me feel as bad as she's feeling ???

Thankyou for reading this, long I know, sorry

Hi Gold, sorry this is stressing you out, it must be very hard to maintain a friendship under these circumstances.
Although its easy for me to say, since its not me its happening to, I would disregard these sort of outbursts if you think they are part of her illness - thats not your friend talking, is it? Try not to respond when she is provocative, like that email, just let it go past you.
I think often, that when people are in pain, they lash out at those they care for most - and who care for them most, because they are more likely to get away with it IYSWIM.
HTH

I completely understand what you are saying, and thank you for replying.

It has just now got to the point where she needed to be told that she offends people.

She constantly judges people and always has something to say about someone.

Last year there was another incident when my best friend has come round with her children to play - her ds, was just about to have gromits fitted as he was almost deaf, my best friends ds come from out of my garden, squinting as he couldn't see properly because the sun was so bright, This "friend" turned to my best friend and said, oh my god has he got a quint now, he be complaining a a club foot next - there is so much wrong with him - my best friend was so upset and all I could say in his defence was 'well if he does, we would still love him'. Because my best friend was upset the other "friend" starting crying and saying that because the BF was crying it had upset her !!!!

So many times I have bitten my tongue, excused her, but this time she aimed it at my family and I will not except that off her. My dh is a wonderful husband and dad and all round great guy and doesn't derserve to be slated. I know for a fact that she will spread it around the he's no good at his job.

My dh is from Kent (Dartford) he has a strong SE London accent, we live in Stafford. My "friend" warned her parents before he started work that they probably wouldn't be able to understand him as he is a southerner !!!

God, what a nightmare. I do understand what you mean, I had a friend who was like that - though AFAIK, she had no mental illnesses.
I suppose you have to decide a basic question: all other considerations put aside, do you want to be friends with this woman?
If your gut answer is no, then you need to find some way of ending the friendship - I suppose the most straightforward way is to speak to her and say so, but I certainly couldn't do that, not enuf bottle . So the alternative is the slower, "brush off", not returning calls, not issuing invites etc until it fizzles out.
If your gut answer is yes, you are going to have to decide how much "bad behaviour" you will accept from her, given her illness, and where you will draw the line. Then find a way to communicate that to her

I can't help feeling from your post, that really you don't want to be friends with her anymore, but that you feel the need for some vindication of that??? Or am I been overanalytical?

Hope this is of some use to you Gold, feel free to ignore me and mutter, "what a load of old cobblers that Lisa talks"

I think it's really lovely that you can see past the nasty episodes and see the good things in your friend.

But as her outbursts are getting to you, it's time to redraw the boundaries of your friendship, otherwise it could end. It could be a favour in the long run to give her a reality check, but I don't know how her illness affects her so can't say this for sure.

It does sounds like she would be a vocal and hurtful enemy, especially as she knows your other friends. And as she is ill, and as you are a good person and like her still, you don't want to add to her problems by abandoning her completely and making her hate you. So find ways of drawing away a bit. Don't respond to the email tempting though it is. Don't let her into your life as much and see how things go for now.

If this is hard, bear in mind your children are getting more aware the older they get. If your friend is not reasonable with you, this easily lead to her being unreasonable and hurtful to your children.

It would be a loss to loose her as a friend, as their is a group of us that knock around together, if we fall out, they we all can't meet socially together.

I do however feel that I can't just ignore this e-mail, she has hurt me and I just want to stick up for myself, but just don't know how to word it by being firm yet polite. He dd and my ds are due to start in the same class in September.

I am annoyed that she has got me worrying about this, when I haven't done anything wrong. I am trying to be senstive but enough is enough.

She constantly runs people down and believes because she has been ill, she can say whatever she wants.

She even critisises her children - her dd is slightly overweight and every time I see her she comments on how fat she is to her face, and her ds wets the bed and she tells everybody about it in front of him, she has even told his teacher.

Any suggestion on how to word this e-mail would be gratefully received.

I'll have a go Gold - can you copy and paste the email she sent you?

Ive gone and deleted it - but basically the first one was accusing my dh that he wasn't pulling his finger out and finishing a job he has started and leaving her parents to no bathroom facilities.

I sent one back saying that he done all he could at this point in time and had at no time left them without facilities, I also said that if her parents were disappointed that they should contacted the tile supplier and that my dh would phone them to reassure them that as soon as he had the tiles he would come and finish.

The second e-mail started: you have been extremely hurtful and unkind to me, I could choose to be hurtful and unkind back but I am not like that. (oh really!) It has upset me and has made me feel ill and upset again, I don't understand what I have done and didn't want to get involved in your dh work.

You may feel that this doesn't sound that bad, but when you put it together with all the other comments she so freely makes about everybody, it has understandibly got right up my nose !!!

Well, I'm no expert gold, but I think you need to send one back that is neutral - not inflammatory at all. Say that you're sorry she felt like that but you think its better that the work your dh did for her parents is discussed between them, if it needs discussing at all.
Add that whilst you have no desire to hurt her in anyway, you felt she was attacking your dh and that naturally, you were upset and dismayed by that, particularly since you value her friendship. You're sorry that she feels hurt, but you feel hurt by her accusations too; you could add that you trust and rely on her and you feel distressed that her behaviour seems to indicate that you can't do that and makes you feel as though you are losing a friend.
Perhaps you could wind it up saying you don't want to fall out with her and perhaps it would be best all round to draw a line under the whole incident and that both of you will agree to be more careful about what you say to and about each other
Is that any help to start you off?

Thanks Lisa - off to compile something now. I have valued your opinion on this, I need to be firm but kind and end it quite friendly and open. I know it will all resolve itself. Thanks

Firm, kind, friendly and open - yes, I agree, thats it in a nutshell!
You're welcome gold (my bill is in the post
Lots of luck, let us know how you get on

Update

I sent her an e-mail headed enough is enough
listed bullet points about what had happended and I was quite straight with her. She phoned me the next day and said 'lets forget about everything thats gone on and lets be friends' I agreed as I actually don't like falling out with people. Days later she phoned me again saying she had been thinking about it (sorry, I thought we were supposed to be forgetting about it !!!!) and would like me to go round and see her for a HUG !! I felt and still feel uncomfortable with things like this and just told her that I was fine and that won't be necessary - due to the nastiness in her e-mail, she makes me feel a little uneasy with her mood changes.

I saw her a week later at a friends body shop party and she answered the door and flung her arms around me, I didn't respond other than saying don't be silly and walked in the other room to join the party, throughout the part she ignored me and when it came for her to leave I politely looked at her and said goodbye. Since then, we have bumped into each other a few times and each time I have smiled and said hello, her dd and my ds are both starting school together in September and fortunately (I feel) they are in opposite classes.

I saw her on Thursday at our local shops and said hello, she was with another friend, she replied hello back but had no eye contact, she then spoke to my ds and left. 2 hours later a good friend of mine phoned me to let me know that she had been on the phone to her all upset about me hating her and not speaking to her and the fact, she had been talking about me at her self-help group and they advised her, that it was my loss not having her as my friend.

I can't believe this, I have a certain amount of sympathy for her as she is clearly still depressed and not well, but she is yet again running me down to others and complaining that I am the result of her unhappiness.

I don't know how to handle this, I would be quite happy frankly if she wasn't my friend as I don't need this cr@p in my life and she does make me feel a little uneasy with her mood changes (she once walked into another friends house univited - the friend was upstairs and didn't know she had let herself in).

At the same time, I don't think she is aware that my other friend is telling me all that is being said and she probably doesn't know why I am making not much effort with her.

Any advise ?

I think that Lisa78 is spot on. I hope it all works out for you Gold,but don't let it get you down, because I think it is your friend with the problem, not you, and you don't want to make it YOUR problem so that it affects you and your family, as I suspect you are letting it do. I sugest that you take a step back. Have a break from her, don't listen to your other friend and then reassess your frindship in a few days when you have had some time to think. I really hope that it works out for you.

hello gold123,I just thought I'd say I quite understand how upset you feel,but I can't understand why your friend#2 had to repeat what friend#1 had said about you ?I don't think it merited repeating at all,can you be sure there's no stirring going on in your group?

I am pretty sure there isn't as friend no. 2 would appear to be of the same opinion of No. 1, but is just glad that she has not been the one 'choosen' to become so attached to. I clearly am more bothered than I think about this, as it has gone through my mind a few times today, I wish she would just leave me alone and let me be, I am happy to be polite and friendly to her, but I don't want her ringing me up every 5 minutes and 'hassling' me.

I know I should probably be more sympathetic, but my patients in wearing thin, I know I shouldn't say this, but I wish she would pull herself together and take a long look at herself and realise that her being paraniod is just to extreme. Her ex-childminder no longer speaks to her, she still wonders why, maybe because she took her dd away from her, didn't pay her and called her a fat cow in the street.

I am just not used to being assertive and nasty, she's just a 'friend' I no longer want responsibility for, ffs I have enough of that with dd and ds