Touching other children

[Nic04]

I used to think this was very cute/nice, but now I'm starting to feel a bit concerned although I don't really know why. Ds (nearly 4) loves other children, to the extent that he likes to touch them a lot - eg. puts his arm around them, pats them on the back/shoulder, rubs his hand through their hair, and sometimes puts his face very close to theirs when he's talking to them. His preschool teachers have noticed his affection toward other kids but haven't made a big deal of it, they just simply tell him (as best they can) to be mindful of other people's 'personal space', because not all children like to be touched.

From watching him interact with other kids, some kids don't like it and they tend to back away, while other kids don't seem to mind. He seems to strike up 'playground' friendships quite easily and will often pair up with another child as if they're best friends, but there are definitely children around that don't appear to like this 'over familiarity' or closeness from a child they don't know. I hate seeing the looks they give him sometimes and the way they pull away from him (mostly older children), and occasionally I've noticed that other mothers seem to feel threatened by it, as though he's getting too close to their child. Should he be more aware of personal space at his age? I am just wondering whether this is a normal thing for children to do, or whether it can be an indication of something else because to be honest, I don't see many kids doing it.

Any input would be appreciated... thanks.

wibbsywoo I'm wondering about it mainly because I don't see it a lot from other kids, & because of the reactions he gets sometimes - I was wondering if there was some kind of social interaction problem at the other end of the scale (not understanding about keeping your hands off people!) I realise it probably sounds trivial but some kids really seem taken aback by it and it has just been concerning me a little.

Nic04, my ds is sometimes like this too (he's three in Sept) - he can go too close to other children who sometimes react in quite a hostile way - I think most of us find it quite unpleasant to have a stranger or even a friend stand extremely close to us. I think I will begin to try to explain to him in the ame way your son's teachers. My son is also a sweet little boy, but not a natural mixer with kids his own age yet. I suspect it will come, weith guidance.

And it's far preferable IMO than having a kid who likes nothing better than giving others a good kicking!

Although not understanding about personal space CAN be a sign of autism (I'm guessing that's the one you were thinking of), it's far more likely that your ds is just a very affectionate little boy. Unless there are other areas of his behaviour that really concern you then I would say you have nothing to worry about. It's obviously helping him to make friends and he will, over time, learn which children like this and which ones don't.

my son did this and he does it now but less so, he is now 10. If a baby is on the swings at the park with its mum, he will want to butt in and push, or pick up kids he doesn't know. He has got less affectionate to strnge children now after we made an effort to dissaude it, some people were concerned when a large 8 yr old picked up their toddler without warning or introduction or stroked their head.
My son was raised alone with me and I overloaded him with affection, he has always been cuddly, a co sleeper, extended breastfeeder, even now he is a nurturer all over.
We have had numerous discussions about personal space, he invades mine so much it drives me mad, you cannot sit on the couch before he lands on you and he is nearly as big as me and a lot smellier!
I have to just keep mentioning it, he plays appropriately in his own age group so am not worried that is a "problem"...
Interesting though and sad that their kindness and love isn't always welcomed as it hurts their feelings, because they don't understand why its not wanted..
Bless them, he has made a superb older brother to our 19 mth old daughter though

My dd (3.3) is like that too, very affectionate and tactile, and loves smaller toddlers and babies. It's never worried me and if I happen to see that a child doesn't like her being too close or touching them, I just explain to her that the other child doesn't like that and that she should back off a little. It never occurred to me that it could be a problem... I don't think you should worry about it, your ds sounds like a real sweetie, just carry on explaining about personal space.

It's good to know there are other kids out there who do this. Yes coppertop I suppose I was thinking there could be something like that, although he doesn't appear to show any other signs of autism. Hyperactivity is his only other problem at the moment but I'm not sure whether it's in the normal range for 4 yr old boys... will have to wait and see about that one.

Piffleoffagus, your ds sounds so much like mine with babies & younger kids in the playground! The thing that really gets to me sometimes is how other mothers react when he takes an interest in their child. Ds wandered very carefully up to a pram in a coffee shop the other day, because there were twin babies in it around 6 months old. He was so gentle, he just put his head a bit closer in to have a look and then stroked one baby very lightly on the hand. I was really taken aback when the mother said "NO!" to him, as though he was trying to hurt them. And I was sitting right there watching him, making sure that he was being gentle - which he always is. It saddens me that people take a negative view on it, I know they're protective of their children but it really bugs me when they can see that he means no harm. Anyway no doubt he will work out the 'personal space' boundaries as he gets older, especially when he sees how other children react... I just wondered how normal this behaviour was among young kids.

Hi there, ds1 does this as well (he's 2.5) - at nursery their approach is to draw his attention to the other child's reaction - are they crying, do they look upset - to make him more aware of whether his cuddles and strokes are welcomed. I agree it is difficult, the last thing I want to do is to squash his natural affection, but they also need to understand when their behaviour is actually becoming a barrier to making friends.