I am not a new mum - what am I missing?? 2.5 year old "terrible twos"

[IlanaK]

As the title says, I am not a new mum. This is my second ds I am talking about. I thought I knew all the strategies, but nothing is working!

He is really going through the terrible twos. Its not tantrums as such, but just general defiance to everything, shouting at me or using a horrible tone, and being difficult with his older brother. I know it is all age appropriate, but I am at a loss as to what to do.

I try very hard to not say "No" to him over every little thing all day, but to save it for the important stuff. We do a lot together so it is not boredom. I do not want to go down the route of time outs, but i certainly do believe there should be a consequence for actions and I do stick to it (most of the time!)

What I need is help with the specifics: what do you all do when your 2 year olds refuse to put on coats, shoes, etc when going out? Or when you ask them to do something and they shout "No"? Or when they throw things, etc etc.

I should point out that he has extremely good language. You talks more like a 3.5 year old. And he is very intelligent so none of this is frustraion at not being able to communicate.

A lot of it seems to be a struggle for independance. He wants to do everything himself, even things he can't. He also wants to be exaclty like his older brother (5.5) and won't take no for an answer when he can't have what his brother has. Tonight it was tears and tantrums over wanting his brother's toothbrush instead of his own.

ANyway, any words of advice would be gratefully received.

No-one has a two year old that misbehaves??

I think it's a bit quiet on here tonight (don't know why).
But I'm going through it with my only little girl (I'm 31 weeks pregnant now). She's 2 1/2, and has just started pre school one morning a week. She has turned into a little madam, and as with yours she is a very advanced speaker and very switched on, but seem to have become very defiant, adopting a very bad tone and throwing objects at me.
One minute she can be horrid and the next she says: "I love you so much mummy"
The thing is I haven't got much advice to give you as I'm not sure what to do myself.
At the moment I just find myself saying things like: "If you get out of bed once more, I'll close the door and turn the light off (the light on the landing that is)" and that seems to work, but I feel like it's a constant struggle, like you said putting her coat on, her clothes, sitting down for meals.... she always answers "no" to anything I suggest.
Plus it's even harder at the moment as I feel quite guilty because I know that it's caused by tiredness (due to refusing to have naps) and teething (her back teeth are coming through).

Just like you I am living with a little monster - My DS is 2.5 and the tantrums are getting worse He threw himself to the floor yesterday in Tescos scream and shouting "Help Help" or one of his favs is "go away Mummy" and then there is "thats disgusting" slightly upsetting when you are at someones house for Tea - I know I am no help but just to say I feeling it too !!

I have a (just) 3 yr old DS. We have the same thing. I think it finding the one thing that works for them.

We have through time out etc etc.. and have found the one thing that is effective is countng.

You obv have to stick with things that are a big deal or it does lose its effectivness

So, he gets a warning that I am going to count to 5 or xxxx will happen if he doesnt do xxxx. Try to make it matter to him there and then, eg the cars he is playing with will go away.

Oh as usual you must carry out the threat.

My ds is politely described as challenging. He is 22 months old and also wants to do everything himself.

If he refuses to put his coat on then I say I'm going without him and this has become a game of nerves. He now lets me sit in the car and only agrees to get his coat on when I look like I'm closing the car door. However I don't think this is a good strategy because it is basically who blinks first. I try to explain everything we are doing clearly because I find if he feels unsure then he digs his heels in but I too feel unsure how to deal with him at times. Dd(5) was never like this.

hi all
i'm by no means an expert...but i have got teenagers (you think you've got defient independence now...!) anyway i am also a nursery manager 3mths - 5 yrs. I was never one of the mothers that said a child should ALWAYS have their choice but in my experience with my own kids and at work...if its cold and your 2 / 3 yrs old wont put a coat on...let them get cold...i would almost bet that as soon as they find its cold,they'll want their coat...as soon as YOU stop fighting the battle...they will have no-one to fight with. As far as throwing things, as long as they cant serious hurt themselves or anybody else and its nothing valuable...again the best thing is to ignore it as much as possible. At this age it all about testing to see just how far they can go to your boundries and believe me mine pushed way over mine and still do, but its now like challenging an adult!! Positive reinforcement ( professional speak!) really does work. If you are strong enough and i know its really hard when the little darlins have been up in the night and you'd actually like to hide...if you can be strong and totally ignore the bad unacceptable behaviour, but go absolutely over board with the good things, you will almost certainly see things turn around. A really good idea is a sticker chart, one that you can peel stickers off of..children find it hard to relate to 'happy' faces and 'sad' faces or ticks and crosses, but if you get some really nice stickers, make a big deal when they deserve one, but then make them watch you peel it off again when they have been unruly works wonders...have a treat when they have say 5 - 10 stickers there, let them choose the treat BUT DO NOT give in and let them have it anyway! We use exactly this method at nursery and it works...in any day we can have 24 2 -4 yr olds and hardly have any 'bad' behaviour as they know their boundries. Remaining calm when giving direction also works, a quiet, firm voice seems to have more impact, children here this easier than a raised voice (apart from if its a 15 yr old 'Emo' who insists on wearing thick black eyeliner to school and then complains that the school are trying to make everyone look the same...then you can shout as loud as you want!!! thats what i think anyway!)
As for the temper tantrums in Tescos...have you seen the Vick advert when the mum has a paddy too? It works...from experience..yes i did it and was very proud of myself, even now if my 13 yr old starts cuz she cant have something she wants and the 'strops' come, i will raise my voice loud enough for every one around to hear me and say things like.." if you want to have this argument in public, bring it on..i bet you get embarrassed far quicker than i do!" Cruel i know. but it works!!!
Any way, hope that helps, if only a little..
By the way i am totally new to this site so hello everybody!!!
Twinklebob.x

Brilliant advice there! I'll try! Thanks! (although I didn't post the original message)

Agree! My DS is 2.5 and has just entered the terrible twos - testing me all the time. I am finding it very difficult to not shout at them (also have DD 5yrs) they seem to bounce off each other and wind each other and me up! Need to take deep breath and be calm...

I had a long chat with the lady at my ds nursery last night and I ask how he was eating and behaving - and they informed me that he is a little angel he plays nicely he says please and thank you he even blows his own nose! my thought are as long as its just me he is a little monster with and other people think he is a darling I can cope with it !