How to Talk so Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

[colette]

I started a thread the other day called "Alternatives to the Naughty Corner " in this topic {sorry don't know how to do a link) and sexkittyinwaiting reccommended this book.
Rwading the book it does make a lot of sense and I really need to try a different approach. However this morning I wondered how I should have used the strategy of empathising with his anger and getting him to find another outlet for it such as drawing a picture.
Ds was running away from me round the sofa whilst shouting hysterically. I wanted to put him in his room to calm down so that I could talk to him . The tantrum had started because I asked him to help tidy his toys away before lunch- he refused and went off on one because he didn't want to put them away. Also this morning he pinched his sister - I really would find it hard to say o.k " show me your anger draw a picture of it" when she is upset and gobsmacked at his behaviour.
I really do want to try the books strategy but think I must be approaching it wrong - when he is angry he almost goes deaf so is so hard to talk to.
Any suggestions and experiences of using the book- sorry about the waffle .
thanks

bump

oh, i saw this book in the library today... but didnt get it... will try another time..

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not sure other than let the crisis point go then address it ask he would feel if he was pinched

I have got this book out of the library about 4 times

In principle its very very good but I find it extremely difficult to actually make it 'work' so to speak. I have been known to stop my DS half way through a discussion saying 'hold that thought' to dash to the loo to take a sneaky peek at the book to see what I should do/say next

have you tried giving him a pillow to punch when he is angry? and then when he has calmed down trying the book's technique?

gothicmama Maybe I am not leaving it long enough for him to calm down.
poppiesinaline , yes this is my 2nd time of getting it out and I have had it since October it sounds like you also think the theory is great but not sure how to put it into practice. May try the pillow anything to stop him in his tracks iykwim
Thanks for the replies

I read this book a couple of years ago so I don't remember the details but I did find some of it very useful.

Have you tried talking to your DS at a time when he's not angry or upset? Find a time when you are both feeling calm and explain to him specific behaviours that you expect of him (ie I don't want you to hit/pinch/punch your sister; I do want you to tidy up your toys when asked). Then explain to him what the consequence will be if he doesn't behave - maybe "If you have a tantrum I will put you in your room to calm down". If you want to discuss his feelings or whatever wait until he is calm - as you've already discovered trying to have a discussion when you or they are hysterical is fighting a losing battle.

thanks Sugarmagnolia , because ds has always been slower at talking than dd I think I sometimes traet him as younger in that reespect iykwim. I will try it because it is something I did with dd and probably do not sit and discuss things with him enough.

sorry about typos should preview

It's great in theory but hard to remember what to say when you need to say it. I had a look on their website yesterday and people in the UK run workshops using their materials - check for dates etc - www.fabermazlish.com
If anyone knows of / wants to start one in north London let me know!

Thanks julesrose - it looks interesting. No workshops in scotland yet.but thanks for telling about the site