cant take anymore

[whenitsover]

i have a 5 month old LO who was very very small when she was born (under 4lbs, not a premmie i should add). other than the normal baby stuff, every day is a constant worry about is she having enough milk. i am beside myself. added to that, im always worrying if shes behind with her development / behaviour. sometimes i think why me? i had a great pregnancy, did everything right (no smoking, no drinking, exercise, ate well, slept well, pregnancy yoga and all other good stuff), and yet still ended up with a severely small baby. i just cant cope. the worry kills me.

she had done well in that shes up to the 9th percentile...but thats nothing compared to the other babies i see who are either average, or way up on the charts. always feel i have to explain / protect her and i wonder how long this will last...when will i get my normal / average baby? the doctors / HV have no concerns, which is reassuring but i just want her to be normal rather than soo small.

more specifically with the little one, feeding is a nightmare. the first 3/4oz go down well, but after that its a battle to get her to have her milk. she refuses the bottle, fusses, cries etc anything to not have it but she does have it. every feed i have to get ready for this. we have just started weaning and for the first week it went well, but then she dropped her feeds (by a whole feed, up to 7oz) even though she only have small solid feeds in the am and pm. over the past few days she hasnt been interested in her solids either. im at the end of the tether. what do i do?

have been breaking down crying most days as i feel completely lost and helpless...just wish my baby was normal and i didnt have to worry about how much she has every day. i want it all to end...and sometimes feel the only way it will end is to get released from this life. i hate who i am right now, i hate my life. before she came along i was a highly motivated person with a great successful career and feel i am nothing now. its a job that has few rewards for whatever you put in....i do an activity with her every day and think to myself, whats the point? why bother? its all wasted. just want it all to end.

Hi, no experience but didn't want to read and run. You say the Health Visitor has no concerns so what is it that's worrying you? Could it just be that your DD is naturally a slight build? Are you or your partner of a small build?

My DD is 75th centile but still took her milk in little bits. I could very rarely get a full bottle down her (except during a growth spurt). I downloaded the Baby Tracker app and then realised that all the little bits were adding up to a fair amount over all. Maybe little and often would work better for your DD, rather than forcing the full bottle down. It is a bit of a pain doing it this way as you have to plan everything around constant feeds, but maybe worth a try as you sound really stressed.

You sound depressed so I would go and see your doctor about that. Hopefully someone with more knowledge will be along soon.

You say "it's all wasted" - but IT'S NOT. Every time you pick her up and cuddle her, every time you change her nappy, every time you feed her, you are caring for her and loving her. All of that care and all of that love is laying a foundation of love and security in her life that will always, always be there. you are doing a really good job even if you feel like you aren't. Becoming a mother is an extremely difficult transition to make and loads of people struggle with it.
Have you read 'what mothers do' and 'how mothers love' both by Naomi ? (Can't remember her last name). I'd really recommend. Transitioning from the world of work where there are clear objectives and outcomes and results , to looking after a baby, is SO hard. Just make sure you seek out support.

Naomi Stalden (is the author)

Also just wanted to add...some babies are so hard to feed and are just not that interested. But they'll take in what they need. My niece was small and not very interested in milk and then very fussy about solids. She's now a strong (although skinny...) healthy eight year old who loves sports. As long as the health visitor has no concerns, just sorta let your baby grow at her own pace. If must be annoying and difficult to have to deal with others' constant comments about how small she is but try and just see it as inane small talk, people don't realise how offensive they're being Just try and see her as her own person and accept her as she is. So what if she's not as big as the others, she's wonderful as she is...

I was a teeny tiny baby (also not premature) and I ate little and refused baby rice (back when weaning was all about the baby rice). I have nothing wrong with me, hit several milestones early and am probably above average intelligence now (I don't mean that to sound boastful I just want to reassure you with a real life example). Being small is not necessarily a huge disadvantage nor does it mean anything is wrong. In fact from your description it sounds like you already have that you want - a normal baby!

I know it's hard to stop worrying and it might be worth talking to the HV or doctor specifically about how you feel in yourself as you do sound like there might be some post-natal depression going on. Other than that I would probably say stop forcing the milk issue - a small baby has a tiny stomach and it's probably uncomfortable for her to fit more than 3/4 ounces in. I would look at reducing the milk each feed but doing more feeds. How often does she feed now? Also maybe leave the weaning if you are worried about the milk. Again those solids are taking up valuable tummy space that is needed for nutritious milk. At this age solids are not actually going to contribute to her nutrition or weight gain in any significant way, especially if she can't fit much in. Would be much better for her to have an extra milk feed.

My DS was born big at 8lb 10 but very quickly ended up on the 2nd percentile for weight and 9th for height and is still there at 6 years old. I was like you and worried myself sick about his size. I blamed myself even though like you I hadn't drunk/smoke during pregnancy. I can honestly say I wasted his babyhood worrying, trying to force milk into him he didn't want, weaned at 4 months, tried to add cheese and butter to everything to build him up. None of it worked and he is a perfectly happy, intelligent 6 year old. As long as she doesn't drop down the percentiles she is getting what she needs even if it seems a tiny amount.

Op, I think you need to make an appointment at your gp to talk about your feelings and your well being. I think you should do it tomorrow.

Some babies are on the 9th centile, some on the 50th and some are on the 98th. They are all normal babies. Not all people of the same age weigh the same as each other. In my experience hv are all to quick to identify problems, especially with weight do you can be reassured that if they aren't worried then you don't need to be. I have two dc, one is very tall for his age and the other is a dot, she's on the 9th centile too, small but perfect.

With the milk, taking small amounts regularly is every bit as good (if not as convenient!) as large amounts less often.

Are you going back to work op?

My eldest son was born at term at 4lbs 15oz
It was a shock to say the least
Like you I did everything "right"
I felt very upset
He also had prolonged jaundice and other issues too
We got a dx of IUGR - no cause found
(My youngest ds was born at term at 8lbs 4oz!!)
I won't bore you with our struggles BUT what I can tell you is if she is on 9th centile already then you are doing fine!
My ds wasn't even ON the charts til he was months old!
However, by the time he was 1 he was on the 91st centile
I think once weaning starts it really helps theses babies catch up
My ds did miss quite a few developmental milestones too but he got there eventually
He was 13 yesterday and is taller than me and doing well
It's such s huge shock and the care these babies get is - in my case anyway - dire
Good luck
You're doing fine X

I was also dx with Late onset pnd and it does sound like you are depressed too
I would really urge you to go to see your dr and talk about how you are feeling
X

Hang in there, it will get better.

My average sized babies all fell back to 9th centile - and are all doing fantastically (in fact my 9th centiler found out he'd come 2nd in his maths exam today - and was a skinny Minnie as a baby).

It sounds as though it is more than that though - as though your worries are bugger.

I'd strongly advise telling your doctor or health visitor how you feel x

Bigger, not bugger

thank you all so much for your messages. i cant thank you enough.

i think your all right re my daughters feeding...she is content and very playful so im hoping this is all a phase. i think ill see how the rest of the week goes and may pay a visit to the HV if her feeds dont improve.

i was having a down day yesterday, but i do take on board your comments re: depression. i think it was cathartic just to let out all my emotions and fears but will talk over how im feeling with a HV.

being a first time mum isnt easy, well not for me anyway. whilst ive found books, opinions etc helpful i dont always feel they suitable for you....everyone is unique and every baby is unique and sometimes its hard making your way through being a mummy. some days i feel like ive got this thing down, other days not so much.

thank you all again x

Glad you found talking about your emotions cathartic. I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

Please ignore the books. Babies are all different and books that say they should be doing this or should be doing that drive me nuts. My one piece of advice to new parents would be don't read any bloody books! Go with the flow and do what feels right for your particular baby.

There is nothing wrong with being petite; some babies just are naturally small. The one thing to look out for is if she is not gaining weight or starts losing it. My dd did, turned out to be because she was hypotonic. But it sounds like yours is developing perfectly normally, just following her own curve.

Both mine were IUGR and dd also Failure to Thrive during the first few months. It was shit and I can well understand how you feel. But as your children grow and you get to know more about their friends, you realise that nobody has that average baby who goes through life without ever worrying his parents. Sooner or later there is always something. Otoh very few children have a life that is only misery and worry. Sooner or later there will be times when your friends are struggling and you are not.

In any case, whatever life has in store, the strength and resilience you are building up now (and you are, even when it feels like you are just sitting there sobbing) will stand you in good stead later. And you will look back and think to yourself "this is how difficult it was and we got through that because I did not give up".

worried about 13 month old development - not mobile

My daughter is 13 months and I'm worried about her development. She's doesn't crawl, can't get up from lying / sitting to her feet, and doesn't bum shuffle. She can walk if I get her to standing and will happily walk by herself for a few steps, or walk with my finger for support. The doctors have said her muscle tone is fine and there is no immediate concern. I leave her toys on furniture to encourage her to get to her feet, but she just doesn't seem interested. I'm now trying to track down a physiotherapist to help. However, have any of you been in the similar position? Any tips on what I can do? TIA