Please help, I don't know how to play with my children.

[Nikki23]

I have two sons, ds1 is 3 and ds2 is 3 months old. I suffered a little bit with PND after ds1's birth, I think mostly due to another illness, but recovered fine, but I've always struggled playing with him and even motivating myself.

When he was a baby I found he loved tellytubbies, and I used to let him watch a lot of it, because it kept him happy. I stopped it after a while, and started taking him out a lot more to baby groups. But I still struggle to simply sit down and play, I feel like I have no imagination, and I feel uncomfortable doing it. It might stem from my childhood - I suffered neglect and perhaps it had a knock on effect. But I don't want to make excuses, I just want to change things.

I try - I get a puzzle out, and do it with ds1, and then I wonder what next? I work better with a routine but is there a routine for play? I find it so much easier to resort to housework and CBeebies but I want more from him.

I can see it going the same way with ds2, I play for small times with him - trying to show him to roll over and tickling but then I have no idea what to do.

I'll sound like such a terrible Mum I know and I feel terrible. But I want to change but I have no idea how.

Nikki, big hug to you, you sound like a very loving and caring mum to me and that's the most important thing! I'm no play expert but from my own experience maybe let your ds1 take the lead, if you leave a few things out - what does he go for? My ds adored soft stuff and we played a lot with that. also I used to give him loads of different shaped pasta and he liked pouring them in and out of various containers.
I think a lot of play is playing alongside the child instead of always inter acting - I may be wrong but if you just sit with him as he plays and chat to him about it while he does it then that's great too!
I think lots of us have to learn different bits of parenthood - you're not alone and good luck. What do you like doing best? Do you like picture books, soft stuff, cooking, anything like that? I love looking at books with my ds - but not if I don't like the illustrations.
Keep trying different things - it's hard to be alone all day with two little ones so I would be as compassionate as possible about your lack of motivation at times! Good luck!

Message withdrawn

Agree with the last post.

Also, I find children just like to be given attention and praise. When they play just give a commentary on what is going on. "Ooh look does that peice of the puzzle go in there?" "Is that a picture of a snake, what noice does a snake make"? Cue lots of animal noises etc.

I find lots of silliness helps too. I ask my ds if he loves me, he says no and I chase him and tickle him until he says yes.

Im sure you do better than you think you do anyway.

Hi,
I don't think it's always necessary to play wiht them all that much...I mena, I certainly can't remember my mum doing that, and don't think it harmed me....!
Maybe try to do 1 activity a day that you do together for a bit, don't have to be all that long and see where you go from there?
Try to find things you really enjoy.
My ds's love baking, and so do I, so that is done a fair bit in our household.
Please, don't think you are a bad mum because you are not one of thsoe that plays for hours on end with their Kids...don't think all that many mums do that.

i remember feeling the same for a while.
why don't you try having a tea party? get the teddies out, sit in a circle with plastic tea set and have cups of tea (mmm, can i have sugar please, ooh you make a lovely cup of tea). ds2 in a bumbo chair or somethng can join in?
this was an easy game that my kids loved and i could do easily enough... i do have 2 girls though so might be different!

I think there is also am embaressment factor to get over while playing with kids. My dh certainly doesnt feel comfortable singing nursery rhymes out loud, or pretending to be a patient while ds saws his leg off. If you just let go of adult inhibitions it can make the play much easier.

Agree with what others have said as well that you dont need to play with them all the time, it is good for them to use their imagine as well.

Nikki you don't sound a terrible mum at all. Many many people do find it hard to play with their kids, and if you come from a childhood of neglect then it's totally understandable that there might be this little 'blind spot' for you.....

I definitely think let your ds's take the lead and just join in with them....if they are playing imaginatively just ask them questions about what they say, for example if your ds was pretending a cardboard tube was a spaceship just ask "where is it going?" and you can go on for ages like that indulging their little flights of fancy.

I'm someone who has always got down on the floor and played with my ds but I have to say I have times when I find it BORING! So I think you are dead right that you can even have a routine with play. I'd go to as many playgroups as you can because even if you're down on the floor with them at least there's a cuppa and adult chat at the same time....if you've done that in the morning maybe just have a plan for a couple of types of play that you might do in the afternoon - ds loved water play (afternoon play baths are good) and he loved craft stuff. If you do a bit of that sort of thing, a bit of carpet play, then in my 'umble opinion you are doing GREAT. You also do have housework and stuff to do so you don't need to pressure yourself to play with them all day - break it into chunks, more interesting for everybody!

that's all they want IMO, to have you there and have your attention. And just try and relax, it can make people feel silly to be playing with their kids but it's no more silly than changing their nappy or feeding them to be honest. They need to play just as much as they need the other stuff!

My kids loved me to read to them and as I enjoyed that too it didnt seem like a chore.
I really dont think that you have to play with them 24/7 and as long as they have your attention then they will be happy.

Hi

I agree with the others that you sound like a very caring mum. Many people would just keep their kids in front of the tv for a quiet life, whereas you want something better for yours.

If you were neglected as a child then you probably didn't get much positive interaction between adults and children, I guess? So it's no wonder you aren't sure 'how to do it' in all areas. I had a rough childhood too and as a result I can be a bit unsure about talking to/playing with kids I don't know. I have found it really helpful to watch parents I admire playing with/talking to their children (well, babies in my case), and copying them to some degree. I did feel a bit of an idiot at first, and like I was putting on an act - but that's no bad thing. Why don't you try pretending that you are fantastic at playing with your kids and that they love every minute of it...I bet you are brilliant at it, if you can only let go of your anxieties.

Let us know how you get on
Nine

Hi

I agree with the others that you sound like a very caring mum. Many people would just keep their kids in front of the tv for a quiet life, whereas you want something better for yours.

If you were neglected as a child then you probably didn't get much positive interaction between adults and children, I guess? So it's no wonder you aren't sure 'how to do it' in all areas. I had a rough childhood too and as a result I can be a bit unsure about talking to/playing with kids I don't know. I have found it really helpful to watch parents I admire playing with/talking to their children (well, babies in my case), and copying them to some degree. I did feel a bit of an idiot at first, and like I was putting on an act - but that's no bad thing. Why don't you try pretending that you are fantastic at playing with your kids and that they love every minute of it...I bet you are brilliant at it, if you can only let go of your anxieties.

Let us know how you get on
Nine

And, of course, little ones can have their own duster or whatever and join in with the housework - that's playing too

Nikki you are not a terrible mum. A terribble mum wouldn't care about wether they were playin with the kids or not.

I find that reading to them is great also going out in the rain and jumping in puddles is fun for all. I do puzzles with dd (5) also soft stuff and practice dancing with her.

Ds is 16 months and at the moment I find just getting down on the floor at his level and buidling blocks for him to knock over has us both in fits of laughter.

Both seem to think mum makes a greast climbing frame so we have a mad half hour when we get in from the school run before settling down with a snack.

Work out your current daily routine and try substituting just 5 mins tv time to reading/cooking/puzzles(any activity of your choice really) with DS1 and slowly increase the time you are substituting.

To add to my earlier posts - I think sometimes the simplest things amuse childen at this age. Water play is always great. But I remember spending ages just pushing cars down a tube or hiding under a blanket and making a little 'house' underneath. Also putting music on for a dance can be good.
But it took time for me to feel really at ease with some playing!

To add to my earlier posts - I think sometimes the simplest things amuse childen at this age. Water play is always great. But I remember spending ages just pushing cars down a tube or hiding under a blanket and making a little 'house' underneath. Also putting music on for a dance can be good.
But it took time for me to feel really at ease with some playing!