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My Cuddly Toddler Has Disappeared!

7 replies

Earlybird · 27/05/2004 22:19

Hi all - in need of a bit of advice. DD is 3.3, and an only child. I am a single mum. As she has gotten older, she has become less interested in being cuddled, but it seems to have been more extreme lately. I have been quite busy organising an International move for the last 2 months, and thus less available to her. Even when I'm at the flat with her, I am often rushing around - so am physically present, but not available. I have made isolated efforts to spend time together doing fun things (took her to the zoo last weekend), but we don't have the one on one time we have had in the past. As a result, she has spent significantly more time with her nanny.........and I'm ashamed to confess......watching videos.

When I do sit with her, and try to cuddle her, she squirms and frequently pushes me away. Don't know if she is older and can assert her preferences/moods better, or if she is "punishing" me for being absent. I suppose one of the few things she can withdraw from me is affection. (try desperately hard not to feel guilty about my absence, and don't want to pressurise a 3 year old into reassuring me that I'm not being a terrible mum!)

Anyway......I'm babbling. What I want to know is.....have any of you had an experience like this where your child didn't want to be cuddled as much? I know I'm overly sensitive about this, because she did stop and give me a big hug/kiss this evening. Maybe it's something as simple as she's becoming her own person and wants to volunteer affection on her own terms rather than respond to my gestures. I'm feeling very anxious about it all, and sometimes wonder if I've got my priorities right. Like yesterday for instance.....when I dropped dd and nanny at the Aquarium and went off to do errands. Kept thinking "I should be at the aquarium with her instead of sorting out the problem with my silly mobile phone." Help.......feeling quite stressed and guilty!

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baldrick · 27/05/2004 22:25

Earlybird, don't know what advice to give really...my ds sometimes if he's watching tv will push me away if I start cuddling him a lot (he's 8 1/2)...our kids have always been cuddlers as dh and I are so haven't had children not wanting this.....could you talk with her about this and maybe just casually say whilst you are watching tv, can Mummy sit and cuddle you? If she says no, could you say "Can I tickle your back/feet?" and then she might respond (not good acvice, sorry sure someone will have been throught this and are able to help you...good luck...Baldersxxxx

fisil · 27/05/2004 22:28

I don't have any experience of this as ds is still very young and cuddly, but I live off his cuddles, so I can imagine how you must feel. Big hugs (((())))

I wonder if it is not your business but your anxiety that is worrying her. In other words, the more you worry, the more she squirms, so the more you worry etc. etc. Because if you are feeling tense, you may not be relaxing enough to give a really sumptuous cuddle yourself! But I suppose that's not very helpful as it is pretty hard to stop being worried about something so important.

Also I'm sure people go through phases. I fractured my skull as a toddler having a strop because I wanted Mummy to go away! But apparently I was usually quite a cuddly baby. Even now sometimes I love a cuddle and other times I don't want to be touched. So it could just be a random phase!

Hope you get lots of helpful advice.

fisil · 27/05/2004 22:29

sorry, meant busy-ness, not business

crystaltips · 27/05/2004 22:31

IMO - she's button pushing .... and she will be thilled to learn that it's working !

it's her way of telling you that she is finding it hard to share your time .... and if you don't give it 101% - then maybe she doesnot want it at all !

My DD did this to me when I started back to work .... although I know that she missed me whilst I was away ( not being her No 1 carer ) she wanted to show me that she didn't need me at all ....

I'd forget the "snubs" and show here that you BOTH need time ( quality time ) together !

?

Earlybird · 28/05/2004 07:05

Thanks for your thoughts. When I'm being mature and unemotional, I know that there's nothing seriously wrong. But, I suppose the bottom line is that I really miss my one-to-one time with her! I fear that her childhood is rapidly slipping away while I'm busy organising our lives......makes me wonder if I have the right priorities. I know that in real life, you don't get to do what you want every minute, and that any child must learn to cope with not being the centre of attention all the time. They're bound to object!! But, when it manifests itself as her "rejection" of me, I panic because I SOOOO much want to be a good mum to her.

Baldrick - sat down on the sofa with her the other night while she was watching telly, and she actually scooted down to me......not for a cuddle, but to try to push me off the sofa with her feet! Then told me "don't sit here, sit on the floor." Felt so hurt, and as if she's punishing me for being unavailable.

Might be just as crystaltips says - button pushing. But, can a 3 year old be that manipulative? Seems quite subtle to me....and I suppose I am so ready to blame myself, that it's hard to think that she might simply be playing her own little game. Want to let her be herself, and if that is a selectively cuddly girl, then there should be no pressure from me to change that. But, as fisil says, those cuddles are so yummy, and they're in short supply at the moment. I feel very anxious and guilty about causing her to reject me, but don't honestly know what I could have done any differently. I'm going in circles!

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fisil · 28/05/2004 10:57

I totally understand, Earlybird, and I had feared you would say you feel guilty. I remember when ttc people would say "if you relax then you will conceive" and that just added in the guilt of realising that my failure to relax was the reason for not getting pg, and so I would get more stressed out and and and .... So please try not to feel guilty!

nightowl · 29/05/2004 02:28

ds was a cuddly baby but was always more for his dad. we split mutually when ds was 1 1/2 and at the age of two he couldnt stand me anywhere near him. he wasnt naughty or nasty...he just didnt want cuddles anymore. it broke my heart but it soon passed and hes now a very very loving caring 6 year old who runs to the bathroom to fetch me tissue if i have so much as a sneeze!! i think it was just a phase or maybe his sudden change of life but he soon got over it. hope that helps a bit xx

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