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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

6 yr old daughter says she doesn't think she loves me anymore

28 replies

Stressyhead86 · 15/04/2016 22:53

So for the past week my daughter hasn t really seemed herself she s just turned 6 and since her birthday she s been off very emotional to start with crying at the little things now seems very cold towards everything. She told me 2 days ago she doesn t think she loves me anymore, this was not through a tantrum I hadn t just said no to something and since then she says she doesn t feel like she loves me anymore I ve asked her why she just says she doesn t know and I ve not done anything wrong she just doesn t feel like she does. She wouldn t even say good night to me tonight which in her whole life has never happened I m totally heartbroken I ve cried on and off for 2 days we have always been so incredibly close and this is just completely out of no where. Other things she s said is that she has heard voices in her head saying mean things again this is out of no where she s just not herself I spoke to my gp yesterday he said maybe just a faze or something emotional going on I ve asked her why she feels this way and she doesn t know this is killing me inside.

OP posts:

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ArmfulOfRoses · 15/04/2016 23:01

You need a different gp, urgently

ArmfulOfRoses · 15/04/2016 23:10

That seems a really harsh reply now, sorry.

But really, listen to your dd, she really needs some help here.
Her saying those things that are hurtful to you could very well be symptoms of something (emotional/medical/hormonal) and you need to be her voice here.

TealLove · 15/04/2016 23:16

Oh bless her. It really sounds like anxiety. She needs some sort of councrlling I think.

Somerville · 15/04/2016 23:18

Yy to going back to GP, or ideally another one.

But in the meantime I would reassure her, every time that she says she doesn't love you or similar, that you have enough love for both of you. Say it calmly and lovingly.

And try not to let her see you cry, either. She's either saying it to provoke a reaction, or because there is something deeper going on that she'll need your help (and possible medical intervention) to navigate. Either way, showing as little negative reaction as possible will help.

CrockedPot · 15/04/2016 23:20

When my ds was your dd's age he turned to me and said 'I love dad more than you. That's strange isn't it, because most children love their mums more' in a really casual way. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I cried every time I thought/talked about it, but honestly, it was just him developing and testing boundaries. He's 11 now, and we have such a great relationship. Kids say stuff, it kills you, but it's part of growing up. The whole process is up and downs, and after the baby years, it's a bloody roller coaster. Please don't give this too much weight, I bet if you give this a bit of time this phase will pass x

SuburbanRhonda · 15/04/2016 23:23

She's far too young for counselling .

Two things you need to do:

Go and see a different GP. Hearing voices isn't always a major cause for concern. A good GP will ask her if the voices she's hearing are hers, or someone else's, and take it from there.

When she tells you she doesn't love you, tell her you will always love her, no matter what. And don't dwell on the conversation. She may not mean it but either way, she is trying to tell you something. Make sure she knows she can tell you things that worry and upset her.

JammyGeorge · 15/04/2016 23:40

My DS1 has just turned 6 a few weeks ago.

If it's any consolation he's really not been himself this week. I don't know what it's about he's been crying tues and thurs after school and had a breakdown this morning before school. He's really not himself and I'm concerned/perplexed by it. He's been the opposite throwing his arms round me saying how much he loves me (which he has never really done before) it's out of character.

Obvs you need to look further into the voices etc. But I wanted to let you know you are not alone in a random change of behaviour.

I'm putting it down to being worn out by his first week back after the hols.

EllenRipley · 15/04/2016 23:59

Can't really add to the good advice you've had already, but it does sound like there's possibly something else going on with her that she's trying to convey - something that's happened at school or with friends, something that she's seen or heard? I'm not sure at that age that kids know fully how to articulate the concept of love as we do though they may (or may not!) certainly feel it at any given time. My 6 yr ds will tell me in very profuse terms he loves me then go on to say he also feels the same way about the cat and his Star Wars figures. Ive also noticed at this age that they're occasionally starting to grapple with bigger ideas and concepts and if she's a sensitive kid she may be trying to work through something in her wee head. I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of it, what she's saying coupled with her mood change is sure reason for a visit to an understanding GP. X

Original poster

Stressyhead86 · 16/04/2016 00:32

Thank you for all your advice. I am going to visit the gp on Monday and speak to another doctor. I will go without her as I don't want her to feel intimidated or upset by it. Speaking with my husband I recall the first negative thought she had was after I had a health scare a couple of weeks ago and had to stay in hospital for a day she was very upset and told me she was having bad thoughts about me dying and she was very upset about not seeing me anymore, a few days after that the negative remarks started little things like saying she didn't like hearing me sing cause it sounded bad (probably does) and then little things similar to this then it shifted onto saying she thought she had swore in her head which I kept reassuring her in her head isn't a bad thing along as she doesn't say the bad words to people. And then bam her birthday came and it wasn't a fantastic day everything was delayed and she had hoped for things we hadn't got her she seemed generally disappointed with the day and a few ppl commented saying she seemed miserable and then tuesday this week when my husband left (we are not in the best of places relationship wise) for a day for some space and 2 days later bam she doesn't love me I'm starting to think more and more that it's come about from a lot going on in such a short space of time we are also meant to be moving house in 2 weeks I so badly want to help her

OP posts:

corythatwas · 16/04/2016 13:23

Obsessive thoughts at this age is not necessarily a sign of long lasting health problems; it can happen after a scare. My ds was 6 when he found out (purely by accident) that a lady who had taught him had been murdered by her boyfriend. He was traumatised for a few months and kept having intrusive thoughts about hurting himself. It passed with endless reassurance. One thing that really helped was explaining to him that you can have a plan for dealing with hurtful thoughts: in his case, I taught him to punch a pillow every time he wanted to hurt himself.

If I were you, I would reassure her that she cannot hurt you by these thoughts: that you always love her and that nothing she says and does can change that. Then I would gently suggest that if these thoughts upset or worry her, then she can stop them by thinking of something else or doing something else whenever the thoughts that hurt her come into her mind.

She may be a bit young for this, but I have dealt with obsessive thoughts in the past by visualising myself standing at a crossroads with signposts: one leading off to Hurtful Thoughts, and then saying very loudly in my mind: NO, I don't have to go down that road and I'm not going to.

For her, maybe having a little song she sings, or a rhyme to speak, or something like worry beads to handle.

bshorty · 16/04/2016 13:30

My mum bought my niece some worry dolls. So my niece would tell her worries to the dolls before going to sleep then put them under her pillow and then they would take the worries away while she was sleeping. Haven't seen any around for a while tho

Original poster

Stressyhead86 · 16/04/2016 13:46

Thank you for your advice I do believe that this has been triggered off by something I just wish I knew what :( I will start by not showing any hurt by her words as so far I just fall apart crying it's so hard when we've had such an amazing bond for it to just go all if a sudden to nothing this morning we've had a lot of nice chats and a laugh then all of a sudden out of no where she says I don't want you to be sad but I keep thinking I don't love you anymore. So I said it's OK hunny because I love you no matter what she seemed to be shocked with my calmness and carried on talking about something else. I really do hope that this isn't a long lasting thing as the pain is unbearable x

OP posts:

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 16/04/2016 13:57

It sounds like she has had a tonne of stuff going on, you in hospital, crap birthday, dad leaving ( did I read that right?!?!)
So no wonder she is mixed up and emotional

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 16/04/2016 13:58

Maybe she's worried you will leave too because you were ill or just like her dad and she's trying to manage her feelings

corythatwas · 16/04/2016 14:01

I should have added that some children are just naturally anxious: very small things can trigger it off. My dd was like that and still is: doesn't stop her from holding down a job and having a social life, but has required a bit of handling from time to time.

I'd say on no account let her see you cry and be upset by anything she says or does: it is far too much of a burden for such a young child, particularly an anxious one, to feel responsible for your emotional wellbeing. If you feel tears coming on, change the subject, get up and do something, burst into song, anything.

Your way of handling it this morning sounds spot on: for the time being, you need to be her unshakable wall. And she will try to shake you, just to reassure herself, it's what anxious children do, like picking at a scab or prodding a sore tooth.

(I know the dentist said there is nothing wrong with that left front tooth of mine, but I can't stop prodding it with my tongue just in case it should turn out he is wrong...).

ArmfulOfRoses · 18/04/2016 20:27

How's your dd op?
Did you get back to the dr?

CandyCrush77 · 20/04/2016 23:17

OP, my DS1 said to me one day when he was 6 or 7 that he was worried that he didn't love me and that sometimes he didn't feel that he did. I was a bit taken aback but managed to pull myself together and reassure him and just say, well I think you do, just because you don't feel like you do every minute of the day doesn't mean that you don't. I think he also mentioned having bad thoughts about things but I can't recall for sure. I know he adores me, and I adore him so it wasn't a huge worry, just part of growing up I think and becoming more aware of their own feeling and their relationship with you.

CandyCrush77 · 20/04/2016 23:18

And 2 years later, he never mentioned it again and is a very loving little boy.

APotterWithAHappyAtmosphere · 20/04/2016 23:36

It's harder for children to understand things they can't quantify so she might be concerned that she doesn't 'feel' the love all the time. The voices may be her inner thoughts which she is not used to hearing properly.

I think your instinct is right and this has been triggered by your illness. You are doing a great job to stay calm and reassuring. If you are concerned though, try to see another GP.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 20/04/2016 23:46

Stressy it was strange reading your post as my 6 yr old DD is doing almost the same thing. We have a very strong bond but over the last 5 weeks she's been flying off the handle at minor things then saying she's holding in thoughts she wants to say but won't as they'll hurt me. Turns out she's thinking she doesn't love me anymore, isn't part of the family and should leave. I stay calm, reassure it's fine she can tell me anything and it all seems to blow over. Though she is going to sleep every night snuggled into a shirt that smells of me.

I've been really worried, tried to gently find reasons, consulted friends who are psychologists, all to no avail. Then on Saturday she woke up like a different, energy filled, joy filled girl. Still a bit trigger happy with emotions but not nearly as extreme. I have no idea except maybe there was either a bit of a bug bringing her down or something in her brain was making new connections.

Sorry for the long post but felt there were similarities. Hope things feel better for your DD soon. X

Imfinehowareyou · 20/04/2016 23:48

My niece became very anxious at this age and got one of these: Worry Eater Soft Toy.

WomanScorned · 22/04/2016 10:48

Could DD be worried about losing you, and is preparing for this eventuality by rejecting you first? Sort of like, not getting one's hopes up, so that any disappointment won't be such a blow?

My DS, also just 6, gets very emotional, usually in the evenings. He says his thoughts are going round and round and gets quite angry, as he can't stop it. He also sobbed because he accidentally said shit, when his lace came undone in the playground, even though no-one heard.
He keeps saying that he doesn't want Xmas presents this year. I think he thinks he's been 'bad', so is steeling himself for the possibility of Santa putting him on a 'bad' list. (I've always made it clear, though, that I send things to Santa, regardless of good/bad, because I love him, and because I want him to have cool new Lego and stuff).

We recently lost a very close friend. I wonder if these are self defence behaviours, OP.

Lndnmummy · 23/04/2016 13:48

My son said yesterday "mummy sometimes i love you and sometimes i dont". I was shocked as we are incredibily close. I didnt respond (too shocked) and then a few minutes later he said it again. I just said calmly, thats ok lovely but remember that mummy will ALWAYS love you. He said "really?" I said yes, ALWAYS.

He came over and put his arms around me and said "thank you mummy". It felt like he tested me, or himself.

twinklemom · 27/04/2016 15:38

Dear Stressyhead86,

I am so sorry about your situation. It must be so hard for you. What I think is going on here is that you and your husband are letting your adult problems get into your daughter's life and become her problems, too. She is not old enough to deal with that kind of problems. Reminds me of my sister's story. My sister married young. Her husband wasn't a husband and father material at all. They separated when their kid was about 3 y/o, divorced a year later. My nephew refused to communicate to my sister anything other than food, water, and potty for about three months. My sister was worried and asked me if I could try to talk to him and get the reason why (he was pretty open with me). I was carefully opening the discussion, as much as you can with such a young child (do not underestimate the kids though, they are like dogs, they know and feel everything). Long story short, turns out he blamed my sister for his father leaving. We sat all together and talked about it, got it out. Sometimes things just happen that way, no one is to blame. It is very important not to blame anyone, not at this stage. You and your husband need to sit together and have a nice chat. You have to find the way that will help you deal with your problems but not affect or burden your child. You have to show her you are a team when it comes to her and do your best to preserve stability in your home and her routines as much as possible. You must show respect for each other at least while she is present. She definitely feels depressed and anxious over all the uncertainty around her. See if that helps. If voices persist and start adding up, then seek for a specialist's help. It sounds to me like all three of you need help. Maybe some family counseling would help you. I also genuinely feel that you guys can overcome this and be a happy family again.

Newby0704 · 28/05/2016 23:59

Hi stressyhead86. Our 6 year old daughter has just said the same to me and my husband, it was really out of the blue. She has always been really loving and always saying "I love you" and having competitions with us saying how she loves us more than we love her (just like Guess How Much I Love You), but the other day cool and as matter of fact as anything she turned round and said she doesn't think she loves us, it broke our hearts. When asked how she knew this she got distressed and said she didn't want to tell us. Rightly or wrongly we pressed her for details and she said because she wouldn't be sad if we died. Don't know what to think, she hasn't quite been herself since one of her nans died at the start of the year but this sudden emotional coldness has been for about 2 weeks and has been accompanied by her saying she is not sorry when she accidentally hurts someone and even saying she hurt us on purpose, which we sometimes know is a lie as she was unaware we were where we were standing - it's like she wants to be naughty and get a reaction from us. But what really shocked us is the other day when she told her grandad she doesn't think she loves him either; grandad has always been her favourite as he spoils her rotten. We are starting to wonder if we should take her to the drs or see if it's early days of a phase that she will come out of by herself. How are things with your daughter now?

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