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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do you get a 3 yo to participate in groups?

14 replies

BrummieOnTheRun · 09/01/2007 14:09

I'm just back from another frustrating outing with 3yo DD. We tried the local gym club which has toddler classes, and had the usual hour of refusing to get out of the buggy, screaming and repeated "I don't want to". Not a hope in hell of getting her to participate. Could barely get her to watch.
In her defence, we've just moved to a new area and it's been a year of de-stabilising change. But we're back at the house now, watching sodding CBeebies for the rest of the day....again.
Do I persist, week after week, going to these things with a screaming kid who clings and won't participate (with a 1yo in tow and 7 months pregnant) or am i wasting my time and energy until this 'phase' passes? The struggle makes me not like her very much and that makes me very sad.
DH thinks we need to 'break' it with persistence. I'm wondering if we should just leave the group activities until she's settled into a nursery 2 days/week and happier in the company of other kids. Does anyone have any experience / advice?

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Peridot30 · 09/01/2007 14:20

My dd used to be very clingy when we went out. However i just persisted with it and within a few months she was happily playing with the other children. Its definately harder when you have other children it tow as you cant focus all your attention just on her.

Is there any way you can only take her to these groups without your 1yr old so that your attention is fully on her. My ds is older and he got bit neglected while i was attending to my dd.

sunnysideup · 09/01/2007 14:24

Don't put yourself or her through it! If she will be attending nursery two days a week then she will be getting loads of experience of being around others, and she will participate when she is ready.

I can't see that anything can be gained from persisting with a stressful experience like the gym thing. I know where your DH is coming from but I don't think she can be 'trained' in that way. Kids do things when they are ready and NOT before. I think often more can be gained from waiting than from attempting to train kids into getting used to things.

She is very young and many many kids aren't interested in participating in group things at this stage. Some people are not natural 'group' people and just cos she's 3 doesn't mean your dd has to be happy in a group situation!

Take the pressure off yourselves! She'll do things like this I'm sure but obviously now is not the right time.

oliveoil · 09/01/2007 14:25

Some children are very sensitive and cautious to new things - dd1 who is 4 is like this.

I would persevere but don't stress about it, let her sit with you if necessary so she gets used to being there.

We have just started doing dance classes, first one was on Saturday and she sat on my knee the whole time. Next week I am hoping that she will take part in bits of it, the week after I may be able to leave her.

Take things s-l-o-w-l-y.

She is just different, celebrate it, don't try and "break" her .

Good luck
xx

sunnysideup · 09/01/2007 14:25

And it's not a case of 'group activities or at home watching telly' - you can still get her out and about amongst people; the library, local museums, etc. All as valuable to her as any organised group activity....

oliveoil · 09/01/2007 14:27

What I did after the dance class was practice at home the things we saw - all easy, clod hopping ballet stuff, so next week she will know what to do.

Can you practice gym stuff at home or whatever you do at these places? Then when you go next time say "remember when we did X at home, lets try it now!!!!" (with lots of over the top enthusiasm).

sunnysideup · 09/01/2007 14:31

well said Olive, I quite agree - if you want to persist with the group stuff then I do think not pressuring her to get involved is the way to go, letting her go or not at her own pace....

I don't think any child was ever damaged through not attending a group activity as a 3 yrs old, specially if they have the company of siblings and nursery 2 days a week.

ProfYaffle · 09/01/2007 14:35

My dd's a very quiet child when we first went to our Presma group she was very anxious and clung to me, she was happy to sit on my lap and watch but wouldn't join in. It subsided pretty quickly after 3 or 4 weeks and now she loves it. tbh if it had carried on much longer than it did I would probably have cut my losses and given up.

Persistance is OK to a point but if it's clear that no progress is being made there's no point making her miserable.

Gingerbear · 09/01/2007 14:36

Oliveoil, your post could be mine. DD is 4.5 and also started a dance class last week. She is quite comfortable in group situations in Reception class with children she knows, but there was no-one from her school in the class. She sat on my knee the whole time saying 'I want to go home mummy'. I engaged her by talking about what the girls were doing, how much fun it looked and how nice the teacher was. But we left before the end I didn't push it that night, but we talked about it the next day, and she will 'try and be brave' next week. There is an older girl in the class who acts as a mentor - I will try and get DD to latch on to her before she becomes more confident.
Some children are just shy, and 'forcing' them to do stuff just makes it worse. If DD still isn't keen to join in these classes, I will abandon them and find another activity that she would prefer.

shazronnie · 09/01/2007 14:37

My DS1 is 3 and a half, and we have always gone to groups. alot of the time he would only play / sit with me and it is only now he has begun to interact with the other children. This has probably been helped by 2 days a week preschool since September.

I would go to an unstructured toddler group - just toys etc where your 1 year old will be able to play while you just sit with your DD until she feels like playing.

The gym / dancing / might be too much pressure to participate.

oliveoil · 09/01/2007 14:46

dd1 is so very very cautious and shy and sometimes I think there is something 'wrong' with her (along with other stuff that I fret about), she does doesn't seem to know how to interact with other children. But then I think that not everyone can be the same and my friends say that school changes a lot so come September I may have a social butterfly on my hands .

Gingerbear - dd1 wanted to know why all the other mums had gone and said "will you go if I join in?" with big gooey eyes, bless her.

Small steps BrummieOnTheRun, small steps. I used to hate toddler group as she sat on my knee the whole time but it did improve.

sunnysideup · 09/01/2007 14:56

olive, I know what you mean, having had a very sensitive ds who pretty much disliked his playgroup and always wanted to play with me rather than other kids. Some days I did get disheartened but it's just a case of remembering that it's just a pre-conception that all kids should thrive in groups.

School (reception) has really helped my ds actually, as the first term they focussed mainly on making friendships....ds hadn't thought of other kids as his friends before he started school - he just wasn't interested. Now he has made one or two real friendships. And he rubs along just fine in a big group of kids, though he still wants one to one attention whenever he can get it.

And why not - that's how I'm happiest! I sometimes think of going out as a group with my girlfriends, but I always end up arranging seperate 'dates' with them as I enjoy really focussing on and talking to one person at a time.

Obviously kids are no different, some more social than others.

Original poster

BrummieOnTheRun · 09/01/2007 14:57

Thanks for the comments. My instinct is also not to push her...I do recognise my own personality traits in her. (always sat on the side at everything and I don't THINK it turned me into a psychopathic loner!).

I'll admit I'm peed off because this was also an opportunity for me to meet people too, rather than wandering the streets/museums alone or sitting in cafes with just 2 kids for company.

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Gingerbear · 09/01/2007 15:19

Gulp and lip tremble Olive for DD1, bless her. Ddidn't Motherinferior have a similar issue with one of the inferiorettes before she started school?

hotandbothered · 09/01/2007 15:46

My dd 3.5 is exactly the same but very very gradually getting braver... She hates it if the attention is on her, so would rather watch and then do everything at home when we are not watching! Found that saying 'oh you don't like music do you?' helped - she would then join in just to spite me! Sure psychologically this is probably not the best solution but it works for us
Know what you mean about wanting time off tho'! Now dd is at nursery 2 mornings it's lovely

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