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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Monday morning and I'm already bad tempered....dd (11) has found new way to drive us nuts...sends us all to Coventry...

14 replies

dolally · 08/01/2007 08:34

when we've done something to upset her.

She will last a week or so without speaking to her siblings sometimes... this upsets the younger one, not so much the older. Most of the time I try to ignore it and understand what she's feeling, or I try to explain to her that it's ok to feel angry but she must also forgive.. blah blah

Then sometimes I just lose the plot and threaten to cancel her summer school trip... all very stupid I know... but my reserves of patience are very low these days........ scream icon!!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

belgo · 08/01/2007 09:06

She's being 'aggressively silent', which can be far more effective at driving you nuts then shouting and arguing.

Admire her determination though for keeping it up for a week.

Freckle · 08/01/2007 09:29

I have an 11 year old who does the opposite - just raises the volume level until it drives me to distraction.

If I were you, I'd enjoy the quiet whilst it lasts!

Original poster

dolally · 08/01/2007 11:23

just sneaked offline to put on dishwasher, washing machine, sweep up christmas tree needles, iron dh shirt, enjoy peace while dcs at school, vow to plumb the depths of my patience one more time, etc.!

So I really should just ignore her shouldn't I? Not try to beg, cajole, bully her out of her sulk. Trouble is it does create such bad feeling with her siblings, and she hasn't yet understood that the sending to Coventry doesn't get her any respect from them.

OP posts:

NotAnOtter · 08/01/2007 11:27

gosh dolally you sound like me - my 12 year old is my only daughter and sh drives me nuts....

dp says 'ignore her' but i cannot -she wins that way

i feel i walk on eggshells to keep her sweet grrrrrrrrr

Sobernow · 08/01/2007 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carmenere · 08/01/2007 11:37

Surely laughter and ridcule is the only sensible respnse to this type of behaviour. I can't imagine an 11 yr old staying quite if she is being laughed at(in a good humoured yet annoying way obviously, not cruel)

Original poster

dolally · 08/01/2007 11:39

Glad to hear I'm not alone.. gals, my dh ignores her too. And Steve Buddolph (sp?) says how to treat sulks.. which is what it is after all, I guess... is to say in a calm voice and I quote

"I care about you. I'd like to help. Think about what you really want. I'll be in the kitchen" and then leave them to it.

Difficult though!

(in his book "the secret of Happy Children")

Wot about happy parents, that's what I want to know.

OP posts:

Original poster

dolally · 08/01/2007 11:43

Carmenore - you'd be surprised just how determined this one is!!! her siblings have tried it but can never keep it up for very long!!!

and sobernow, you're quite right there is a lot of pride in it... she really thinks that she's giving in if she backs down.

grrrr.

OP posts:

Freckle · 08/01/2007 13:47

But it's just attention-seeking, isn't it? So the more you try to cajole her out of it, the more she is getting exactly what she wants.

Clearly this is bound up in the amount of attention her younger sibling receives (for good reason), plus teenage hormones.

So, I'd go with Steve Biddulph's advice.

Original poster

dolally · 09/01/2007 23:28

yes, freckle you're right it is attention seeking too, difficult to be the middle child I suppose, but god I really have been aware of that and tried to make sure she never lacked attention... maybe over compensated.... aaaargh!!!

Anyway she is at present speaking to us all again,.... and I had an opp yesterday evening to point out to her (when she was stuck on some computer problem) that she couldn't expect her big sis to help her since she hadn't spoken to her for days; I couldn't help her either as it was all way over my head!!

Will try to remember Steve B when it happens again!!

OP posts:

chellebelle · 10/01/2007 15:37

Coventry's not that bad - I've lived here for the past 27 years and don't have any plans of moving out at the moment.

chellebelle · 10/01/2007 15:39

Sorry - cheeky moment thought it might make you smile though.

sunnysideup · 10/01/2007 16:35

don't know if dolally will come back to this but I wanted to say definitely go along the steve biddulph path with her when this is happening; trying to cajole her etc will only serve to reinforce the behaviour.

And when she's not in the middle of it I think she needs to learn something about assertiveness....for her future, she needs to have better strategies than this to deal with people when they annoy her and it's definitely as belgo said being 'passive aggressive'....she won't get what she wants in life by being passive and she needs to learn ways to speak up so that she can feel better and get herself heard rather than internalising it and nurturing it like this. Assertiveness skills are simple and easy to learn and it's a good thing for everyone to do actually! Maybe you could get a book on assertiveness and pick out some strategies you feel would help her.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 10/01/2007 16:56

I have a recently-turned-12 DD and sometimes I feel I could give her away "Free to good home". Deep breaths and the mantra 'this, too will pass'.

I would like to say, if she ignores you, you ignore her, but think the Steve Biddulph advice is the more grown up and ultimately long-term effective solution. They are all little witches at that age, slaves to newly rampaging hormones (as, I'm sure, were we)

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