How to get 3.9 ds1 to listen, do as he's told and stop the meltdowns? (sorry long)

[smoggie]

Ok, we're just back from another family gathering and why is it my ds1 seems to be the only child who will just not do as I ask?
He goes through phases of being totally angelic and 'semi'compliant, then we have a week or so of just total stubborness, defiance, tantrums etc.
He is a very sociable, articulate, happy little boy but he has always been a boy of extremes I suppose. He can flip from life and soul of the party to demonic kicking screeching very angry little boy if he's in that mood and something doesn't go his way. The anger he has scares me sometimes in that I just don't know how a little boy of his age who has only experienced very positive parenting from us (for the most part!) can be so angry? When he flips he really flips - kicking the door, shouting 'I hate you', shouting until he is sick.
We have always tried to follow the 'positive parenting' philosophy but really there are times when I just don't have the time or energy for this and I would just like him to do as I ask straight away without having to explain etc. etc., and have found myself increasingly having to use consequences or bribes.
I've tried time out and this works for a while, but I want something that works before I have to resort to this. I've read 'how to talk..', and try to use these principles but tbh times like this week when I'm totally knackered I just need him to occasionally do what I ask just because I've asked, and not have to explain why/cajole/repeat 10 times.
I'm worried that ds2 (1.9)is now noticing and copying the behaviour.
What doesn't help is that my sis' children (who were there today) appear to be totally compliant, now I know this is in part due to their different characters and in part due to the fact that they are smacked as a punishment, but I just don't want to resort to this and never have. Doesn't make it any easier though when you're in a group situation and you feel like its always your child.
God, sorry for the ramble. I suppose I partly just wanted to get it off my chest, but any suggestions gratefully received. I don't want to discipline his sparky character out of him, but I would like him to just do as he is told when I ask. I feel I'm becoming less and less of the parent I want to be and more of the 'do this or else' parent and it really is making me really upset. Sorry I'm crying now - I just want to be able to know that when it matters, he will listen and take notice.

No advice but will follow with interest as he sounds very similar to my nephew although without the animal obsession and roaring.

I will be watching closely as you are not alone on this one. I too have a DS about the same age who can behave in the same way that you describe. The only positive I can give is that I am noticing that there are longer periods of good behaviour before we go downhill for a week or two. Sometimes I have noticed that this behaviour happens particularly just as the playschool term starts and I wonder if my DS has recharged his engergy at home and then needs to be more structured at playschool so uses up his good behaviour there then saves his challenging behaviour for me at home and also gets a little tired coping with the rountine that playschool needs. My DS also gets very excited when we have family get togethers and maybe does not know how to control this excitement yet (very hard when Grandparents have pristine homes with lots of unchildfriendly ornaments!). Anyway sending you hugs. I read on here somewhere that we need to go into their rooms once they are asleep look at them and then think of something funny that they have done today, preferably with a glass of wine in our hand! Good Luck.

Can I just ask if any of your kids are violent to you with their tantrums?

Oh bettybootoo, this sounds VERY familiar. He started nursery in Sept and it is full time (independent school) we notice that he is angelic at school - at his parents feedback night she commented that he was so happy, loving, 'joy to have in the class' etc., then we cop for the tantrums at home because he has had to supress all of this at school.
Family gatherings are the main flashpoints as he idolises his cousin so gets so excited about seeing him and his sibs - and just like your ds just doesn't seem to be able to control his excitement. He then just doesn't hear or take notice of what you say as the only focus he has is doing the same as his cousin or being with him.

He can be amazing, polite, inquisitive, witty, extremely good company etc., but this all seems to come with the price tag of these tantrums, anger flare ups and stubborness.

No answers yet then? Bum. Ds gets over-excited at family gatherings or when we have friends with several kids over - think it's because he's an only child and it's thrilling to have lots of others around.

My Ds is not generally violent towards me but I tend to leave him to it as I have found that trying to reason with him or console him in these situations does not help his tantrums at all. Obviously if he needed to be removed from a situation I would pick him up and move him but he would struggle and not like it at all. How are you doing smoggie sorry you are so upset.

ds1 has occasionally hit and kicked, but only at home. In situations outside of the home he just flails around a bit. I always have to remove him to another room, and then it depends. If we're out soemwhere I usually tell him off and use threats - i.e. if you do it again we'll have to go home etc.
At home I take him to his room and leave him as I know that once he is ina tantrum you just don't attempt to console him.
I can sort of deal with the full on tantrums, its more the stage before this. If he's feeling that way inclined he jsut won't do anything when you ask.

ds1 has just woken up - he had a sleep in the car on the way home and is absolutely adorable now, so I know (a small) part of the ultimate tantrum was tiredness and boredom with being in a confined space, but that wasn't the case for the whole day when I kept having to ask, ask, repeat till I was blue in the face then threaten before he did anything.

bump as it seems there are a few of us who could do with some advice pelase!

Oh Smoggie, I'm afraid I'm another in the same boat as you with no answers !! I have a DD who is 3.10 who is a total Jekyl & Hyde!! An angel half the time who listens, and can be so sweet she can make my heart melt. Half the time she just will not listen, will argue, can slap me and gets so angry she will go just like a beetroot!! I have no idea where the anger comes from, I too have never smacked and like you I have increasingly turned to bribes and consequences.
It all feels like a one long war all the time when we're going through a bad time, its not her diet as I'm so careful with that, and she lives in a happy home, she is an only child though and sometimes that shows. But she is bright, chatty (she never stops), funny and very outgoing has lots of friends at preschool she is very much a leader, which I would never want to stifle. I honestly think most of her frustration comes from her strive for independence its hard work but Grandma tells me what goes around comes around !! ( apparently I was just the same!!)
I too would appreciate any advice from people who have experienced this. Just wanted you to know your not alone!!!