Buying friends or natural generosity?

[tigermoth]

What do you do if your child persists in wanting you to buy sweets etc for all his friends or give toys old and new to them?

My oldest son, since the age of 5,(now he's 8) will try to this. On one hand it's lovely that he wants to share, but on the other I feel he is trying to buy friendship.

Here are some examples: when he's playing out, hearing the jingle of the ice cream van outside, he'll rush in to ask me (in front of his friend/s) for money to buy both him and the assorted company ice creams.

Or, knowing that I have six bags of crisps in the cupboard, he'll take them all out (without asking) and freely distrubute them to the children playing out, some of whom aren't really his good friends.

Or, he'll use his pocket money to buy expensive collectable cards and polished stones to give to his school friends. Sometimes they have asked him in advance to get them a certain something. Yes, it's`his pocket money, but the favour doesn't seem to be returned.

I tend to say you must ask me first, you cannot buy sweets for all the street, you can only swap, but not give away, cards and stones etc.

I have warned him about buying friendship, but feel awful doing so. It's chipping away at his innocence and belittling his good nature. Yet I feel I have to curb his generosity - sometimes it veers towards showing off - because I do not want other children taking advantage of him. Or should I let him find out the hard way?

How do others cope with this?

Hard one this Tigermoth. On the one hand, yes it's sweet that he wants to share and, don't know about you, but I do tell my ds that if he has friends around he can't just take an apple/whatever out of the cupboard without offering them one too. So I have therefore contributed to this idea of fairness and sharing etc. Fair enough when it's someone in your house, but not sure I'd be happy if I was feeding the whole street either!

I think on the ice-creams I'd say, No, I can't buy ice-creams for the whole street. I don't think the other parents would either, would they?

On the pocket money front, what about asking him what his friends do? i.e "so, you gave Ollie a football card, do you think he will give you one sometime?" in other words, just a gentle push to make him think about reciprocity without denting his generosity. It does sound sweet and you don't want him to turn into someone who never does something for nothing, OTOH...

It does sound like some friends are taking advantage of his generosity by asking him to buy specific items and I wouldn't be too happy about that either. But I guess he'll work it out sooner or later

Yes, it is difficult, www. I have said to my son 'do you think * will buy you a special card if you buy him one?' He just says it doesn't matter, it's his pocket money, and he can do what he likes with it.

Then I either have to get heavy and forbid it, or let him go ahead, and cross my fingers that * is a nice friend to have. I don't feel 100% right about either of these reactions, but can't see an alternative.

Would the suggestion that he'll get more respect by behaving with the others as they behave with him come best from his father - sort of man to man? You can emphasise that it's good to help people who are in a bad way at the same time, so that it doesn't totally squash his genorosity.

Tigermoth- I think he may well work out some of the disadvantages for himself without falling too hard, given time. Some thoughts I had were:

*talking and sharing your thoughts about friendship, how to be a good friend and recognise what a good friend is like

*thinking about the amount of pocket money he gets- is it a lot more than his friends get or does he genuinely prefer to spend nothing at all on himself? If the former, might it be worth freezing the amount so that in time he'll have less money to use on requests from others if he also wants stuff for himself? Or,in a similar vein, you could encourage him to save for something a bit more expensive- maybe offering to match whatever he saves- so he has a lower disposable income.

*On the running in to ask for icecreams/crisps front I would be tempted to be quite firm and give him a clear message that you don't appreciate this! Maybe say something like "I don't have enough money to buy all your friends icecreams/I need those crisps for later in the week and I find it embarrassing when you ask for stuff for your friends in front of them." Then enforce the ban... if you can! I imagine a troop of big eight year old eyes wanting crisps must be difficult to resist. Worth trying though?

*Above all I wouldn't worry too much. I'm sure this is just a question of him maturing a bit emotionally and working out that giving gifts doesn't necessarily result in true friendship. It'll happen in time. I have a vivid memory of my sister and I (aged about 9 and 7?) competing to win the exclusive friendship/worship of a cute younger child we met on a ferry on a one off trip. We ended up giving her ALL our pocket money... It started as one of us saying "Do you want 2p?" to her. She accepted with alacrity so the other of us offered 10p and so on and so forth and before we knew it she'd got the lot. (Well, £1 each doesn't go far under these conditions!) Once the kid realised there was no more money forthcoming she wandered off leaving us to sisterly bickering and poverty! I think we realised who the real winner and losers were pretty quickly...
( = me and my sister = little girl!)

No solution really Tigermoth - although I think it is lovely to have a son who is so generous in basic impulse. Other children "obtain" friends through physical or verbal intimidation, emotional blackmail, slander campaigns on their little peers etc, don't forget! And you have said before now what a kind and helpful little guy he can be in other respects. So I am sure he will outgrow this. You don't say whether these are friends from the school he moved from, or new friends? Maybe he is still in the final stages of getting to grips with a new circle of friends - or a teeny bit anxious to keep his old friendships going?
I think Scummy is so right to pinpoint the difference between how he spends his own allowance and how he distributes the contents of your own larder. I would definitely try and clamp down on the latter...

Hi Tigermoth!
Sounds like you've got a very sweet natured little boy there which is a lovely way for him to be and it's a shame that there aren't more people like him in the world, but I understand your concerns. At 8, he is still quite young and innocent and probably hasn't realised the value of money and the importance of his possessions yet. I'm sure that they are something which will come with age, especially when he starts to want more expensive things (computer games etc) and will need to save up. Also, I wonder if perhaps he asks you sometimes about having an icecream in front of the other children as he realises that by putting you on the spot and a bit of pressure on you, you are more likely to get him one (this is a cunning trick my 5 yr old ds tries on too!)
As he hasn't been at his new school for that long (BTW is everything still going well?) do you think that his over generousness could be an attempt to fit it and be accepted by the others?
If he's anything like my eldest ds (stubborn and strong willed) it's impossible to tell them anything or share your worldly wisdom with them, and sometimes they do just need to learn the hard way. If it doesn't start getting too out of hard and he ends up with nothing left, or if it starts making him miserable, I think it's probably best for you to keep an eye on things (and I would keep the chats full of helpful advice going too, even though my kids wouldn't listen!!), but otherwise put it down to Life's rich learning pattern. HTH

Thanks for your replies. Yes, as you say, I think my son will grow out of this behaviour. If Steve Biddulph is right, any day now, my newly 8 year old son will start to become more aloof and will try to be cool to gain acceptance with his peers. Oh, it will make me cry buckets! At present he is the uncoolest and cuddliest little person around.

Sml, yes, my husband has had a man to man talk with my son on this. As you say, it's a good idea to get dh involved. I think the message is sinking in slowly, but I fear it will take a let down by one of my son's friends for him to start being more discriminating between need and mere want.

Scummymummy, uncannily, I use word for word the replies you typed in when my son asks for sweets and crisps in front of his friends. Again, as with sml's suggestion, the message is sinking in. I do feel such a meanie when I say it, though. But his friends parents, ( our neighbours) don't freely distrubute treats like this...

He doesn't get a huge amount of pocket money compared to most of his friends, but some of his playing out friends come from large families on benefits, so I they have fewer treats. My son has really picked up on this. This is one good reason why he wants to give them things - and why I sometimes do open the larder to the neighbourhood or take a few of them in the car to the park, but I know it doesn't mean they'll be friends with him for this alone. It's a tricky one. We're not rich either and I don't want him to come across as lord bountiful.

I think it's a good idea to talk to him about friendship generally. I haven't done this recently, but now he's about to bow to all this peer group pressure, I think some talking is in order.

Marina, thanks for the kind words. As you say, there are worse ways of acquiring friends. My son can be generous with both new and old friends - to gain or maintain popluarity, but I think his school moves have definitely encouraged this behaviour. He feels he has to make up lost ground because the rest of the class have established friendships.

Yes, I think that he must be made more aware that I hold the keys to the larder - and if he buys a round of ice creams with his pocket money, he won't get more cash from us.

Thanks again everyone.

chanel, just read your message - thanks for your thoughts, too.

It is innocence - to him the world is full of nice people. I know this will gradually disappear - it is already beginning to. I don't want him to become street wise too early, but as you say, he's bound to get let down and already has been - with pokemon cars stolen off him by boys wanting to look at his collection. He is learnig to be less trusting by the day. Inevitable but still sad.

Tigermoth, your little boy sounds like a sweet child. I think his giving and sharing is so genuine. Im sure this will slowly lessen as he gets older. It seems like its a natural thing with his personality to want to share with everyone. My daughter when she was a little younger (shes 9 now) she would share with the neighborhood everything edible in the cabinets. I would go grocery shopping and she would want to open and distribute everything I bought. Its so hard to say no at times when they are all standing right infront of you. I dont think at his age he is thinking on the terms of trying to buy friendship. I think he is just naturally a generous child. maybe you can buy something cheap like popsicles and tell your son on certain days we can share with our friends. The frozen ice pops on a stick are cheap and you get a lot in a box. I say this because hell probally want to share for a while since thats who he is as a person. But like you said it should lessen more and more.

Thanks for your message and the popsicles suggestion. Yes, we do buy boxes of ice lollies sometimes for this very purpose - much cheaper than ice creams bought from a van - but the space they take up in our small freezer!!