Wrong time to push things for fast developing 2.5 yr old?!

[Smee]

Okay, so think lovely, sociable, lively 2.5 yr old who's language and imagination are developing so quickly we can't keep pace. But like many am sure, he's going through a clingy and v.tempestuous phase. It's sort of about him finding his power, but also about his imagination developing (I think?!), but either way he gets truly distressed and quite often about going out. To add to this, I'm trying to settle him in nursery. Been trying since Oct (!) just two mornings a week, but after an astounding melt down and nightmares and all sorts after an initial settling in period, they suggested that possibly we should let him get used to them with me being there, then once we're sure he's confident leave him solo.
So, we're now at that point. He enjoys it (sort of) and likes the staff and knows them. Trouble is that at the stage he's at in terms of developing, it's just not working in terms of me leaving him. Am guessing as we haven't pushed it yet, but we all think he's going to find it tough. By this I mean, not five minutes of wailing and then he's fine, but whole sessions of him being incredibly distressed.
Has anybody got any thoughts? I know lots of kids find the transition hard, but he does seem to be a bit extreme. Am wondering if we just got the timing a bit out, so should we wait a few months until he's through this phase and more confident? I really do think it's just a phase. Anyone? Please!? We're only worried about setting him back by pushing him to do something before he's ready..
[sorry this is long ]

Does he need to go to nursery because you work? Could you abandon the idea for another 6 months and focus on lots of social activities such as soft play or mother and toddler groups.
It may be that hes just not emotionally matured enough to cope with being left yet, another 6 mths could mean all the difference.

I work from home. It's not easy but I could cope for another six months. Yes he does do play scheme drop ins and has started developing tentative friendships on a one to one basis with other kids, which obviously we're encouraging like mad. What we can't work out is will he find it harder in six months as he's more entrenched in his lovely safe little world, or will the six months just give him time to gain in confidence and cope? So hard to know, but I've not done this before, so any ideas from those who've been through all this would be great.

My experience of this is that the extra time at home gives them the extra confidence to 'go forth' later on. Total rubbish imo that 'if you don't push them out now then you're only putting it off and you'll only have to do it later'.

we had similar problems settling dd into a nursery when she was 2.1yrs, the thing that we found helped is that even though we wanted her to go mon and fridays they were too spaced apart and so it didnt give her time to feel 'at home' we overcame this by taking her every day for 1 hr per day for 2 weeks. this made the place more familiar, we also upped the days she goes to mon, wed and a fri. now weve had a xmas break she was clingy again today but by fri shell be fine again.

hope things improve for you.

Totally sympathise. My 2,8 son is in full time nursery and he still has wobblys every morning since we moved him to a new one (he has been going since 1 year) which is gut wrenching. We don't have a choice, we both have to work. I believe his fussing is his way of saying that he loves us and would rather spend the time with us. We find he stops crying the moment we round the corner of the car park (I have sneaked back to check). KBABY is right, take him a few hours every day otherwise they forget that this is now their routine. We find if we 'dump and run' its easier for my son. We talk all the way to school about what he is going to do and see (ie favorite things) and we give big hugs before the door opens then take him to take his coat off and then leave immediately as it makes it harder when the don't know if you are going or not. Stick to this routine rigidly. The teachers put out his favorite trains so he knows there is something special waiting for him. We have had to work closely with them in order to get this right. My son took 3-4 weeks at his new nursery before he got the idea now he runs off without even looking back. It is distressing for you but what about doing every day for a few hours instead of 2 mornings, stay nearby but don't play with him at the nursery at first? You will still get the same amount of time to work? Interacting with other kids is good for toddlers and no I don't think you should force it but a bit of persisence pays off.

Thanks all. I did do a version of what you suggested kbaby and Saffymum. I cut down the time he was there from the full session to just over two hours. I've also been relentless in terms of routine and cheerful optimism about it all. All v.good advice, but the problem really is that it's not just a few minutes of tears and then he's fine, but whole sessions. Tbh, even when I'm there with him, he quite often finds it overwhelming and burst into wails. I'm not at all sure, but wonder if that means he's not quite ready. He likes people and other kids once he's had a moment to adjust, so I don't think it's because he's a loner particularly. Not sure what we'll do, but know that I'm incredibly lucky, as I do have the sort of work which means I can shift round him and grab the time somehow if that's what we need to do(though am not at all sure the people I work for would agree .

Meant to say, Saffymum, that yes I tried being nearby but not playing wiht him. Trouble is that because he knew I was near he just got hysterical if he wanted to see me and couldn't get to me. If I said he couldn't stay by me, cue more hysteria. Tbh, it worked to an extent, but I think now I'm hindering him more by being there as he's always looking for me.

Ha dsame prob with my now three year old. Circumstances dictated my son started preschool at 2 and 8 months. Know that when he returns tomorrow he will suffer a setback. Only you know your son well enough. If your instincts tell you it is too early, pull him out and wait a while if you can. I would if I could.

Hello

First, you have my sympathy. My middle daughter was exactly like this for ages (as you say, being distressed throughout the session) and I found it distressing and wearing as I was expecting number 3. The way I tackled it was to stay with her in the session and then tell her I was just popping to the loo (then I would take as long as possible before coming back. Then I started to find other reasons to pop out of the room e.g. change the baby's nappy, getting longer each time, till i was able to say I needed to go and walk the dog quickly. The nursery would call me on my mobile if I needed to come back quicker. Gradually I was able to leave her for longer and then after a few weeks completely on her own. Then I increased her days from 2 to 3, and gradually more until she was there every morning and even stayed for lunch some days. By the way, even once I was able to leave her for a long time, she still made a huge fuss when I left her, but stopped quite quickly once I'd gone (ie more normal separation anxiety).

Two other things that really helped was 1) to build a relationship with one other adult in the nursery who she learned to trust. Then that adult was able to comfort her when I left and 2) to build a friendship with another little friend at nursery so that they could happily go in and self-register together. What really crowned it was when a new girl started and I asked my little girl to take her in and look after her. She then had a role. Sorry another thing - in the early days, being allowed to take in a comforting favourite bear.

Sorry this is so long! Hope it helps.

smee, I agree with juule, if you don't HAVE to do nursery then simply don't do it.

I tried it like you are, when my ds was just over two, and gave up as he was so distressed.

I think as juule says being at home will only do him good, give him a bit of extra support and security and equip him all the better for going to pre-school or nursery when he's older.

My ds went to pre-school at 3 and to be honest it was like taking a different child...the development and changes they undergo between 2nd and 3rd birthdays are HUGE.

If it's this hard and you don't have to do it, don't do it.

Got wiped out by a lurgy, so have only just logged back on. Thanks for wise words one and all. Update is that things have improved slightly. His dad has taken him for the last three sessions. T is far less clingy with him, so he's managed to leave him to play while he sits in another room. T's still not at all sure, but last time though he cried a bit when his Dad went into the other room, apparently it wasn't hysterics and after 15 mins of being a bit weepy he cheered up a bit, then played happily. It was a big step for him and he came back home in the best mood ever, so he obviously wasn't traumatised in any way. They're both there now, so we shall see.
Am still not wholly convinced. Interesting what you say Sunnysideup. That's my instinct too. He's been going for 3 months with me in tow I've really noticed his confidence growing. + poor you, Kamikayzed. Our nursery is lovely so we're v.v. lucky. The carers are really going out of their way to make him feel at home. Not sure, what the future holds, as next week I'll be back to taking him. Tbh, I'm dreading it, but we shall see..

sorry to hear you've been ill smee. I have to say, dads are brilliant actually for this sort of thing aren't they! My ds is also much less clingy with DH than with me - when ds had a phase of waking in the night I though I was doomed to going into him 5 times a night forever, but DH took over and it took about 2 nights of him going in, for ds to decide the game wasn't worth the candle, and stop waking!

Shame your dh can't always take him......

best of luck though, whatever happens.

my dd found it very distressing to be at pre school at first. I took her out and I left it for a good few months and tried again and she's been fine! At that age a few months does make all the difference. Agree with Labradora that finding one adult they build a good relationship with really helps. My dd really likes one of the workers there who she has always referred to as 'nice lady' and in the early days it really helped her to settle.

Yep, I think you're right JustBonnie and Labradora. We've been incredibly lucky as T's key worker has a little boy who also attends the nursery and she's been utterly lovely and we've met them in the park a couple of times just so that T can get a bit more used to her. I have to say that they really have done their utmost to help him through and can't praise them highly enough. One of the reasons that we think we should on balance keep going is their advice that he's ready and will get there. It's just so flamin' stressful getting to that point.

meant to say, yes Sunnysideup. It's weird this thing with Dads, though v.useful too. Ours is added to by DH's job taking him away all week, so he's only about at weekends. I take my hat off to all you single parents out there, I really don't know how you keep sane. Life's so much easier when there's two of you to work through the different phases of toddlerdom.