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Original poster

please help

23 replies

mummy77 · 27/12/2006 21:07

Hi all

Im new to these boards so please be gentle.

Anyway Im at the end of my tether with my 8 year old daughter.
I love her dearly but we have an absolute nightmare with bedtime - she just will not go in her bed and she always ends up in our bed. We have tried everything even laying with her till she goes to sleep but she still climbs out and goes to our room.
We have offered treats, tv in room - everything.

Bedtime isnt the only problem but my main concern at the minute.

any advice appreciated

Please give me some advice as to what we can do.

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WigWamBam · 27/12/2006 21:27

I don't know whether it would work for an 8 year old but the advice with a younger child is to simply remove them from your bed and take them back to their room - then repeat ad nauseam until they stay put. Don't engage them in conversation, don't bribe or bargain with them, keep eye contact to a minimum and just say "No, it's bedtime and you must stay in bed" and take her back to her room.

It takes patience and can be very hard for the first couple of days, but eventually the child learns that there's nothing to be gained by getting out of bed in the first place.

Original poster
mummy77 · 27/12/2006 21:31

We have tried this but she is a very strong character and just has massive tantrums.

I will try again though as enough is enough

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WigWamBam · 27/12/2006 21:37

Trying it is one thing; being consistent and sticking to your guns is quite another. Giving in to the tantrum means she's been rewarded for throwing it, so she'll do it again to get what she wants.

If you're going to try it you need to mean it - you have to be consistent so that she understands you mean business. At the moment she's in control - she knows that if she throws a big enough wobbler you will give in. Take some of that control back.

If she's been doing this for a while it will be a fairly well engrained routine, so anything you try is likely to take several days to have an effect. That's why it's important to be consistent, and to stick with it once you start.

BuffysMum · 27/12/2006 21:39

I think you need to remove TV from room, but I digress.

Anyhow you say she is a strong character has massive tanrums and that there are other problems.

I am guessing that it is a behavioural issue rather than her sleep training issue. My friend went thru this recently with her 5 year old (after 3 years of hell) and it was about her dd having the power/control. In the end it took 10 minutes screaming and one night! Friend had warned the neighbours, all the usual threats of I'm going to be sick etc were met with retorts of well you'll have to clean it up in the morning. The dd realised that this time they really meant it and it worked. I think they rewarded her with a trip out after 10 nights in her own bed.

BTW I had been trying to tell my friend it was a power thing for the last 2 years but it was her sister saying you wouldn't put up with her hitting you that finally helped her see it.

HTH - I@m sure it will be very hard

HTH

Elasticwoman · 27/12/2006 21:53

We have this at the moment with 6 yo ds, but it's not a problem. I just let him go to sleep in our bed, then lift him back into his own when he's asleep. No bribery needed.
Occasionally he comes into our bed again in the small hours, but that's fine - he just sleeps with us then. I assume he's probably had a disturbing dream or something and am happy to reassure him that all is ok.

The only trouble with letting a child go to sleep in your bed is that they might interfere with your things eg in bedside table.

If you have other issues with your 8 yo, you might consider which are worth having battles over. For me, getting ds in our bed is preferable to his running round shrieking and annoying his sisters all evening.

Original poster
mummy77 · 27/12/2006 22:04

Thank you all for your messages.

At the moment shes the boss in this house yes the tantrums are during the day too.

It is our fault for letting her get her own way for a bit of peace but its gone to far now and needs to stop and will!!

Will let you know how we get on - may need some encouragement from you guys occasionly

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Elasticwoman · 27/12/2006 22:16

Yes I think it is more important to deal with the tantrums. She needs to learn what the consequence will be, and that it will be applied every time. You may need to consider something that you do, rather than something that you expect her to do as the consequence, as she would then have the option of refusing to do it. For example if you say Go to your room, she may say no.

When my dds start getting uppity, dh very good-humouredly says Ping! (That is the sound of 10p being docked from pocket money. They hate it.)

batters · 27/12/2006 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mummy77 · 30/12/2006 21:42

Well, I have put daughter to bed(her bed) and just told her Im not playing anymore and after a bit of carry on getting her upsatirs I just told her its bedtime - gave her a kiss and came downstairs and It is quiet up there so fingers crossed.

Lets see.

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SamsMumLou · 30/12/2006 21:47

still quiet? hope so

jalopy · 30/12/2006 21:48

Have you ever watched Dr Tanya Byron deal with older children's sleeping problems? She's very firm and lets them have tantrums. Not easy, I know, but you really need to let her know that she's not the boss.

Original poster
mummy77 · 30/12/2006 21:50

still quiet - might sneak up in a minute

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Original poster
mummy77 · 30/12/2006 22:01

Cant believe it shes asleep.

Me and other half have agreed that when she wakes up suring the night an comes into our bed we will take her straight back in her own room and not get into bed with her.

Im on duty tonight so wish me luck.

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worleywinterwonderland · 30/12/2006 22:02

tv out!!

my 8 year old ds1 has an alarm clock with a cd player on. so he gets half an hour to listen to an audio cd story. we have done this for quite a few years, that way he gets to lay in bed and wind down. we put it on the timer so it switches itself off, he gets 30 mins then goes to sleep.

try getting her to pick her fave books/stories they hundreds on play.com or amazon, he's listening to dr.who at the moment. a freebie from the radio times

gemmiegoatlegs · 30/12/2006 22:04

i know it seems easier just to give in when it's the middle of the night and you're bleeding knackered but the important thing is not to give in. If you give in after an hour tonight, she will battle for 2 tomorrow, cos she will think you are a soft touch. Be firm, take turns and good luck!

jalopy · 30/12/2006 22:06

That's a good start. Try and stay strong. She'll benefit in the end, as well as you!

Original poster
mummy77 · 30/12/2006 22:34

Oh no. I went up to check and she ws asleep until I bent over and gave her a kiss and woke her up!!
She has shouted down to me a few times saying she cant get back to sleep but Im not giving in.

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Original poster
mummy77 · 31/12/2006 11:48

Well had quite a good night

After me stupidly waking her up she was awake until nearly midnight but I never gave in and didnt even go in he room and eventually she went to sleep but she did wake up once during the night and came in my room and I just told her she had to go back to bed which she did!!

Feeling quite happy this morning.

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jalopy · 31/12/2006 18:09

Well done. Be prepared for a worse night tonight as she realises you mean business

Original poster
mummy77 · 01/01/2007 21:57

Cant beleive it.

DD went to bed about 8.30ish and we never had to send her!

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jalopy · 02/01/2007 17:02

That's brilliant. What a relief for you!

Original poster
mummy77 · 05/01/2007 13:21

Just thought I would update on darling daughters bedtimes.
Well, She has been going in her own bed no bother!!!!!(shock)
A couple of nights she never woke at all through the night and ast night woke up once and came in my room and I just saidget back herself back to bed and she just did with no fuss!!!

I really hope she keeps it up.

Can I ask what time you think bedtime should be for a 8 year old?
As she has never really had a bedtime before Im not sure what time she should be going up.

Thanks again

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Original poster
mummy77 · 09/01/2007 17:31

Hi all

Just thought I would update.

Well DD still goes in own bed and hasnt been waking up during the night!!!

I cant believe the quick turn around, she seems a lot happier as do I!! Although there are still a few issues about daytime but this is a vast improvement.

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