Aggressive 2 year old

[Babytalkobsession]

I'm really struggling and absolutely not managing this situation. DS is 2 yrs 3 months and scratches in a way I've never seen any other child. He grabs hold, gouges and often leaves marks / draws blood. Always the face.
Sometimes it's over a toy but often it comes from no where. Sometimes other children but most often me or DH.

I'm in tears after an absolutely hellish day. It started nicely, DH is away and it's my day off with DS. We had cuddles in bed and he was excited about him little friend coming over.

2 mums and their little ones visited and stayed for lunch. Maybe I shouldn't arrange things like this. He was a nghtmare, trying to hit 8 wk old baby, fighting over toys, grabbing his friends face leaving a nasty mark. He slapped me round the face twice when I was holding him. He enjoyed a lot of the morning and played nicely at times but these incidents were so frequent I was nearly in tears. Other mums are good friends & understanding but it really was unbelievable. If I'd been out we would have left.

We went for a walk in the afternoon (just us), he napped in buggy. We played trains, ate dinner etc (calm quiet afternoon). We were having a cuddle on the sofa when he just looked at me and from no where clawed my face. I grabbed his arm and said no. He did it again and was in fits of giggles. He genuinely thinks it's funny.

What the hell do I do to stop this?! He goes to nursery 4 days a week, eats well, sleeps well at night.

I'm pregnant and exhausted with it all. I dread how I'll manage this with a newborn. I praise when he's good, tell him off firmly, remove from situation and leave for min if poss, make fuss of the 'victim', I've even smacked him bottom (not proud of this, it was more a reaction than a planned thing and logically I know this won't work). I tried so hard through the baby stage, determined that if I never let him cry etc he'd be a calm and contented child but it seems to have made no difference.

Where can I go? Genuinely feel like i need professional help now... Sorry this is so long. Just getting it all out! This 'phase' is close to 12 months now.

Gosh, Babytalkobsession I really feel for you. You're asking all the right questions and it seems you have tried many things. You might want to think about the effect of the following:

1. How does he behave at nursery? Are nursery staff engaging? Do they genuinely tell you what's gone on (RE: DS) in the day? If it's a long day e.g. 9am until 5pm - could this be lessened?

1. How is he developing? Is he talking much yet? How could the behaviours of people in his life be effecting his speech, soft skills e.g. being kind, smiling, responsive?

1. Does he have other interaction from e.g. Grandma/pa etc.?

Do you do any craft type activities with him?

It may be a case of each e.g. you, hubby, and Grandma/pa making more one-to-one time with him to help him get a better grasp of his soft skills and speech so more communication between you e.g. looking at/READING books together that are themed around 'life-lessons' (try googling 'books for toddlers values, morals, life-lessons themed'). I found some examples: How full is your bucket by Rath & Manning; The Juice Box Bully by Dismondy. READING is a great way to shape social behaviours and develop language.

Also, doing lots of CREATIVE STUFF e.g. making craft, painting, drawing etc. might help him to express his hands in more positive way. Quite therapeutic too.

You have got quite a challenging situation with a new baby on the way and I think it's wise that you're focusing on your son's behaviour and could consider prioritizing his one-to-one time with the important people in his life (i.e. you, daddy, Grandma/pa etc.) at the expense of how much time is spent socially (i.e. nursery and your/his friends), which will pave the way for a smoother phase later on. This sounds harsh especially if you rely on some socialising for your own sanity/leisure. However, your son needs some time to become comfortable with what is socially acceptable within his own family unit which will then influence how he represents these values outside his family unit. It may take some time, but you come across as an understanding mother, as my advice is given with best intentions.

I myself have two ADHD children, and they continue to present me with challenges. Children are never predictable and are unique individuals - you have to try to bring out the best from them :)

I hope this helps.

Thanks for your reply nina, it does help. In answer to your points,

1. He's in nursery 8:15 - 17:45 for 4 days a week so it is a long day. Me and DH work FT in fairly demanding jobs, but I condense my hours to have a Thursday off with him. That means often on a Mon I only see him to say goodnight. BUT, he is very settled there. And seems to love it. We have had some reports of pushing and scratching but it doesn't seem to be as much of an issue there. He's been spending time with the older children (around 3yrs) and apparently that works well - it's the smaller ones he pushes around. Perhaps I'm not getting the full picture but I don't see why they wouldn't tell me what's going on?

1. His speech is comparable to his peers, he can make himself understood for all basic needs, can put 3-4 words together, such as 'look mummy, it's dark' or 'one more book?', 'more pen' and he understands a lot of what I'm saying. He does get cross when he can't do something but calms easily and understands if I make suggestions e.g try turning it round etc. we read every night. It is hard working FT. We obvs have to do the usual stuff at weekends etc but do try to spend as much time at home as poss. So perhaps swim / park, then home in PM, or if we need to go to shops, shop, cafe lunch then home for more quiet family time. I've had quite a few bad headaches in early pregnancy so probably less engaging with him then but DH is always on hand if I had to lie down for a bit. I would say he has a lot of stimulation. We do role play, he helps with our chickens, We involve him in tasks and praise him and talk about what he's doing. He likes to build Duplo and pretend to go to the shop with his basket.

1. He has grandparents, one set reasonably close, the others live away but see him regularly and spend a lot of time 1-2-1 with him when they visit. He likes to colour, and uses Aquadoodle but I guess we could do more creative stuff - although he gets a lot of that at nursery.

I think for now I will keep our Thursday's to just 1-2-1 activities, and definitely avoid having children over as he really struggled with sharing. Promisingly, he played beautifully last week with his cousin (same age) at grandparents house - I think because it was neutral ground. I can't change how much time he spends in nursery for now, not until I start maternity leave but I can with our days of.

We read 'hands are not for hitting' which he likes and does actions too so will look at your book suggestions. He's been a delight today, good report from nursery and, despite being tired tonight didn't scratch. We played a little with bubble water before books & bed. Slight tantrum getting dressed but calmed without lashing out. So at least it's not every time!

I should add, when he scratches he always strokes afterwards to say sorry, so I think understands that it hurts. He understands the phrase 'gentle hands'. It's like he can't control himself in the moment.

This is exactly where I am today!!! I am struggling so hard with taking my 2 year old DS anywhere with other kids (any age, doesn't matter! He'll grab and tackle and scratch!) I'm at a total loss!
Do I just give up trying to socialise him for a while to save my sanity?

What happened for you??

@Cathycat7 I’m so glad I found this thread although it’s an old one!

Im equally struggling with my 2 year, she turned 2 in December and we’ve had stages of hitting/scratching since around last July but never consistent. But since the beginning of December it’s been awful, I’ve been in tears today and I just can’t enjoy anytime with her around other children.

She will randomly swipe and scratch other children, particularly younger and I’ve tried so many techniques to start and nothing is working. She seems to be much better with older children but im constantly on edge. I feel I can’t take her anywhere without constant anxiety. She doesn’t go to nursery but has always had lots of socialisation around other children (apart from lockdown) and her speech is very good so I know it’s not a communication issue. Sending support and understanding as everyone around me seems to say ‘oh my child never did that’.

I’m at a loss and feeling like a shit parent, as selfish as it sounds, it nice to feel others are experiencing the same x

I am 100% with you on this! I'm nearly in tears hearing that I'm not the only one going through it right now!

Today we met up with a friend at a softplay who we've known since my DS was 6 months old, both same age, and he just mauled her! Grabbing, scratching and he does this every time. He even 'attacked' a few random kids. Just anyone who comes close to him gets it basically and like you say, I'm just so full of anxiety that l don't know what to do at this point.
His communication is probably the best out of our small group of friends who are his age. I'm really proud of him for that but the hitting and scratching just puts me off wanting to go anywhere with him that has other children.

I know we're doing great jobs as moms but this is so hard right now. I don't see any other kids his age acting like this!

@Cathycat7 he sounds exactly the same as my little girl. What saddens me the most is she is so bright and funny and lovely when we are not with any other children.

We avoid soft play like the plague, it’s just too much for her, it honestly turns her feral. Last time we went she scratched her little friends face about three times, then also did it to some random children even though I was literally right next to her, she’s so quick. It’s mortifying. I hoped it was a phase but it doesn’t seem to be, I just cried and cried today as I feel like I can’t enjoy my time with her. All my friends have young children and I’m just alienating myself as I can’t deal with the stress of her around their children, like you say ‘mauls’ is a brilliant way to describe it.

Please know you’re not alone and also it’s no reflection of your parenting, please share any tips or tricks that bring you success in stamping out this behaviour!xx

I actually thought today about just dropping our current routine of meetups with friends and their little ones. My DH says that's probably not the best way to help with this phase but he isn't the one having to deal with it directly. My friend's DD was scared of my son going near her at the soft play bc she knew what was coming, a face grab or slap!
I just wonder if taking some time and keeping it a bit more 1-2-1 as mentioned in the original post would benefit us right now.
I would be lying if l said it wasn't mostly for me. I'm too high strung and anxious bc of how these last few MONTHS have gone. It is guaranteed that he will make another kid cry when we get around other children.
I don't feel like I'm being a good mom by ditching seeing friends but l also don't feel like a good person letting other's children be attacked in the wake of my son getting over this hurdle!! 😩😩😩

I'll definitely pass on anything positive we find and please do the same!! Best of luck to you xx

@Cathycat7 so, my plan is to just massively reduce the time she’s around other children, meet with friends but outside setting like a garden or park where they play independently for maximum 30 minutes or so at a time. Any hitting/ scratching and we will leave immediately, no second chances. I’m not going to actively encourage her to play with any other children but also not completely remove her from setting with other children but make every attempt to avoid situations where she’s in an environment where she’s likely to lash out.

At this point I’ll try anything!

It sounds like a good idea. I have read where it's good to try and just remove them when it happens to show 'if you hit, the playing stops' and hopefully that will soon sink in for them. I think l need to just bite the bullet and do it as well, even if we have only been there a few minutes.
I do prefer being outdoors with him as it's easier to distract and distance from the other kids (he'll still get them!) but I have noticed it's less severe than soft play.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and ideas for the situation. It's given me some major peace of mind that I'm not totally crazy for wanting to avoid places indoors with other kids right now. If we do go, it'll be just us and early in the morning before it's busy. There's a softplay near us that's really big and easy for me to keep him away from others if it's not crowded. He obviously enjoys it and acts like a totally different child when no one else is around.

I'm also considering putting him in nursery for short days maybe once or twice a week. I'm a stay at home mom 6 days a week so it's only me and him. I think (hoping) a little separation and exposure to other adults and creative settings will help him push through some of this. Alot of my friends have said nursery has had a positive impact on their kids anyway, it's worth a try!

My dd was like this just before she turned 2 and it suddenly stopped after a few months. She's just over 2.5 and hasn't laid a finger on another child in months. I used to have reigns on her going to the park so I could pull her back. I'm still like a helicopter just in case as she can be unpredictable but honestly it stopped and decreased after a few months. I think it's just a phase. I used to dread taking her to places where there were children just in case I got into fight with a parent yelling at me to control my child, that's how bad it was at one point. You just need to helicopter your child and pull them back, intervene before they make the move, distract and remove them from the situation and tell them why you are removing them. I always vocally said gentle hands, play nicely, give space and I think we got there in the end.