tantrums - what do you say to your 3 year old after a meltdown?

[eastendgirl]

We are bringing ds up the Tanya Byron way, - we ignore tantrums and don't give in. Afterwards once he has calmed himself down we praise him lots and then we talk about him being angry, that is ok to be angry but that he needs to learn to express his anger with words not by chucking himself about. I want to speak as much as possible to him about his feelings, anything else I can say?

Sorry I dont really say anything. Just carry on with life really.

I didn't say anything when my dd was this age and tantrumming - just big hugs and lots of reassurance. I saved my speeches about it being OK to be angry and have other emotions for a time when she wasn't angry or emotional - she wouldn't have taken it in after a meltdown.

I agree with these two - I just move on and make things fun again, and totally forget what's gone before. As WWB says, after a meltdown is probably not the best time and a more useful conversation can be had about it at a better time.

At 3 I don't believe learning is as neat and orderly as all that anyway iykwim....I don't think it's as simple as talking to them afterwards about anger. They learn by watching adults, and by being shown at the time that what they are doing is unacceptable and adults don't like it (because you're ignoring him). I think some people give their kids strategies such as making 'angry hands' or something like that for them to try to remember when they get cross. I also felt it was important for ds to be allowed to HAVE tantrums and express his anger actually, he can't learn how to govern his feelings unless he feels it's ok to feel whatever he feels, and if that meant ds chucking himself about then that was fine by me!

anyone else?

Just had a complete meltdown, so this has come at a convenient time! When DD starts, I try very hard to ignore her as she is stressing out. Then if she keeps on, I move her into her room where I know it is totally childproof and she can throw herself about as much as she likes without hurting herself. Plus it means I can busy myself in the other room, without getting more irate with her.

When it seems like the tantrum is subsiding, I go to her and ask her if she has finished kicking/screaming/stressing to which she always answers yes. I then ask her if she would like a cuddle, to which she always answers yes, and then after the cuddle, we carry on as if nothing has happened.

I like the idea of explaining to children about their feelings be they happy, sad, cross etc. It helps children to understand how they feel if their feelings are given labels IMO. But hey, each to their own and I'm sure you'll find something that suits you. If talking about feelings with your dc is working for you, then stick with it.

HTH

Sorry, in response to an earlier post, I too agree that talking to the child about their feelings immediately after the tantrum is probably not the best time, but sometimes in my experience (I am a nursery nurse, so I've seen it a million times!) it is easy to forget the planned chat, and children tend to forget what it was they were getting so upset about in the first place if that makes sense!

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Dd used to like Tikkabilla, and they have a song about feelings - I used that to talk to her and tell her that emotions are OK. It talks about feeling sad, grumpy, happy - and ends up saying "let out your feelings and all will be fine". I only mentioned it in a very low-key way, though.

I do agree with sunnysideup; I always felt that it was OK for dd to let her feelings out, and if it took a meltdown to do it then so be it. As she got older, and things became less frustrating for her, she naturally seemed to find it easier to voice her feelings - I certainly didn't really find it necessary to have Big Talks with her about emotions. But each child is different, and your son may react differently to my daughter.

very interesting, thank you.