How can I stop life being a battle with nearly-five-year-old?

[JaneMac]

...or at least to find some coping strategies. Or some reassurance that it will all go away one day. My nearly five-year-old son, who has coped incredibly well with starting school this year and having a new baby sister arrive three days after starting school, has become Mr Angry in every other aspect of his life, I'm sure because he is trying so hard at school and being such a lovely brother to his new sister. Major meltdowns are a regular feature of life; hitting, throwing, kicking, screaming (boy! the screaming) - attacking his younger brother (who is just three; he has scratches all over his face to prove it) - and although I do try to do everything I've ever seen or read about good parenting; good food, regular bedtime routine, exercise, boundaries, time out, star charts, tons of praise for everything I can think of, you name it I've tried it, he is just so full of fury. It's extremely wearing, although writing this down makes me realise I am coping. Just! But I'm fed up with it. Please reassure me this will pass! I do get furious with him, although I try very hard not to lose it, and then I beat myself up for showing him a bad example. I'm also fed up with how selfish, how demanding he is... but it feels dangerous to go down that road; I'm just finding him very difficult to love at the moment. But maybe he senses that? I have been making an extra effort to spend time alone with him, but I'm not sure this has helped. And I tell him I love him...am feeling very demoralised...surely all that grinding hard work of motherhood isn't for nothing?

your situation is quite similar to mine. DD is 5, started reception in april. she had a baby brother in june (and DS and i were both in hospital for a week as DS wasn't well after birth). her cat ran away a few weeks later. all quite stressful events put together.

her behaviour was bad in reception, but the teacher didn't mention it until just before the summer holidays, so we didn't know there was a problem until then. now in year 1 she's had anger problems. we used a little book for her which the teachers filled in at school and we did at home. it was to see if there were any triggers for the behaviour. we found that she usually went crazy over silly things, like not having a pencil or eraser when she needed it.

along with all the things you mentioned (good food, routines, praise), we found the best thing was to remain calm and not shout. to be a good example. it was hard and it still is not easy to stay calm when she's winding us up, but most of the time she is now lovely and doesn't lose her temper. she shows a lot more respect too.

also, we found she was bored a lot of the time. when she was given the right activities (drawing is her thing, she can do it for hours and not get bored!), her mood was a lot better.

good luck and sorry this was so long!

I PROMISE it will pass. It's very hard, 5, ime. I think you're doing a lot of the right things, really you are, it just takes a while to get results from some of them. I'd also say pick your battles, make him an ally if you can, tell him he alone can do certain things as he's the eldest, be consistent, keep your temper (and I KNOW this is easier said than done). Good luck, it will pass.