Really struggling with my 8 year old dd

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Would really appreciate any advice. I have 3 dds ages 14, 8 and 7 months. My middle dd has always been quite hard work but has been so difficult the last few months. She doesn't listen, talks back, winds up dd1, scares Dd3, is rude, constantly asks for food, wont go to the toilet by herself, especially difficult with dp. myself and dp are just at a loss as to how to deal with it and don't help I think by issuing empty threats. What can we do it really is taking its toll on family life?

I could write your post-word for word. I don't know what to do either. Sending hugs x

Thanks MrsWhirling I try and give 1-1 time either with me or her dad, I ask her shall we go somewhere together, she doesn't want to, all she wants to do is go to the shopping centre so I will buy her something, she appreciates nothing, wont do any hobbies etc I'm so worn out by her. At school her teacher says she's wonderful

Well, my DD's last parents evening wasn't great. Teacher said she is incredibly clever and bright (she is) but she's been putting little effort into school work and has an attitude.

I am watching this one with interest. My 8 year old DD makes decisions and plans without talking to me first, breaks rules and says she "forgot" and talks back to me (especially right after school). She is super bright and doing well at school. I think its largely who she is, but obviously there is a theme here!

Is there something in the water? This sounds exactly like my daughter!! She's awful to her little brother, winds him up on purpose and is just pure nasty sometimes. I don't know what to do to get through to her!

I've recently made a behaviour chart and said if she gets all her stickers she can have a surprise at the end of the week. Although she is not getting all her stars its making her try a lot harder. Maybe you could give this a try?

I had forgotten that, my dd winds up her BIG brother and makes him cry with annoyance.

Yep. My one winds up her 3-yr old brother until he cries.

We're awful aren't we, really, girls I mean. But we bloody need to be in this world, sometimes!

Oh God this is my just about to turn 8 year old dd1. She can be the most adorable, funny, clever, artistic, witty good company. And then bam! Satan's Spawn - rude, eye rolling, back chatting, violent, nit picky, hard done by, screaming banshee.

And it's so hard to see her nearly 4yo sister trotting around after her in adoration and she's so horrible in return

My DS, then my friend's, were both horrid on a daily basis at eight.

Ride the storm; make them do stuff outside with you (they will complain at first!), play some board games too. It's a funny age that isn't recognised in the same way as 'the terrible twos', or the teenage years. They're finding their independence, but need your input massively!

OP really push on the positives, any slight good behaviour, go over the top. Ignore the rest and if she starts to play up then distract and again push the positives.
Use reward chart to refocus behaviour.
All takes time and effort I'm afraid, probably not what you need with little one but its only way to crack it.