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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

very shy dd1, had a nightmare at pre school party

21 replies

JustBonnie · 13/12/2006 18:58

My dd1 is 3yrs 6 mths. She has always been extremely shy and not very confident. I think it's inherited as I was the same as a child and dd2 although only 14 months is a very ougoing and sociable child. dd1 goes to pre school a couple of days a week and has been doing for the last year and is happy there. It was the christmas party today and i just knew she was going to hate it. I told her what was going to happen and she seemed ok but sure enough i got a phone call saying that she wasn't well and could i collect her. When I got there she was in a real state saying her tummy hurt and crying. All the other 2 and 3 year olds were having a fantastic time. When she got in the car she was fine. She just hates parties, loud noises, lots of children, balloons and everything to do with parties, etc. We try to gently encourage her and I'd love her to have fun and enjoy the sorts of things other children do but she just doesn't. We just want her to be happy and I wondered if anyone else has a child like this and what's the best way forward. I don't just want to keep her away from these sorts of occassions as I don't think that'll help her in the long run but it makes me sad that shes missing out on having fun

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PrincessPeaHead · 13/12/2006 19:02

I think it is better to either stay with her at these sorts of things and leave when it looks like she has had enough, or if that isn't possible keep her away from completely. It sounds like she is just shy, and I'm not convinced the whole "throw them in the deep end and they will learn to cope" thing works - I think it is just a case of getting a bit more maturity and making her feel confident. So I'd keep her off them or be very sensitive with her about them until she is a bit older.

Alternatively, how would you have liked to have been treated at this age? If you can cast your mind back, that might help?

Twiglett · 13/12/2006 19:08

I'd keep her away from them for a couple of years .. there's plenty of time for children's parties .. why force it if she doesn't enjoy it?

DarrellRivers · 13/12/2006 19:08

Take it at her pace, everyone is different, even now I find some parties or toddler groups extremely stressful and worrying, who to talk to etc and I'm 33 and reasonably well balanced(sometimes even outgoing on a good day)

Original poster

JustBonnie · 13/12/2006 19:08

i think i would have liked to have avoided social situations like this as a child. I really thought she'd be ok at this party though as she knows everyone there so well and the staff were really looking forward to all the children being there.
It's the Christmas show at pre school tomorrow and i think she'll probably hate that too so am really contemplating keeping her home now

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 19:17

Its okay for a child to be this way. Its hard for us (despite being the same way as children) not to feel they should 'conform' and enjoy social activities.

Some children just cant stand the business, the noise, the fuss etc. That is fine. Being quiet and sensitive has many plus sides to it, but, we - as parents need to adapt our way of doing things a little in order to incorporate this type of personality into "commonplace" activities - such as parties etc.

I always find with my DD that running through what is going to happen several times before hand helps her to not be upset. I never now push her to talk or do something that she withdraws from.

I try and encourage the things she does like, and the things that compliment her character.

There is a really good book called "The Highly Sensitive Child" that is quite thought provoking with regarding handling a child like this.

I've found it very helpful. I dont allow discussions of her "quietness" to be led in a negative manner any more either. Shyness has always been seen as a negative trait - I dont want her to think being quiet and reserved is a bad thing - it certainly isnt in the scheme of things. For as many extroverts there are the same amount of quiet ones.

DarrellRivers · 13/12/2006 19:23

beautifully put vvv

Original poster

JustBonnie · 13/12/2006 19:23

gosh that has certainly made me think VVV. I feel really bad now for having taken her knowing that she probably wouldn't enjoy it. I did run through with her exactly what it was going to be like and she seemed ok with it, but the reality must have been all too much.

I will make sure that from now on if she's not keen on something then that's fine. She is a lovely, funny, clever little girl and i'd never want her to get the impression that there's anything wrong with her because she's shy! I suppose I've forgotten how daunting everything is at that age.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 19:34

Oh dont feel bad Bonnie! Its just this inbuilt thing in us and our society that children must be extroverts and outgoing and be popular etc.

I was upset at first when I realised DD was like me. I know how hard it was for me - although circumstances were a little different. It never occurred to me before only very recently that being shy, isnt in fact, a bad thing at all.

I know how observant I was, the things I could pick up on, people skills, other peoples characters, the detail of things, colours, music etc - all because I sat on the sidelines "watching" rather than partaking. I'm sure at the moment she doesnt feel she is "missing out" by not joining in, which is why developing other activities etc is a better way of dealing with it.

A child that feels comfortable with themselves will approach people as and when they want to - they wont shrink away from human contact because they arent pushed to, IMO. I appreciate the qualities that my DD has now - she is thoughtful, and caring, and sensitive and always wants to make people happy.

Go get the back - I highly recommend it

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 19:35

book not back.....d'oh!

FioFio · 13/12/2006 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

JustBonnie · 13/12/2006 19:43

I will definately get the book as I think I need greater understanding of what she is feeling. Even though I was very similar as a child you do forget as you get older.

Thank you so much for the advice, it's really appreciated!

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 19:44

...

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 19:47

Agree Fio, gotta loathe those gobby ones

Original poster

JustBonnie · 13/12/2006 19:49

Just ordered it from Amazon. Here's to a happier dd and a more understanding mummy

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 19:53

wow! Thats was quick

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 19:56

Message withdrawn

Original poster

JustBonnie · 13/12/2006 19:56

had to do it before i forgot the title!

OP posts:

jajas · 13/12/2006 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/12/2006 20:05

pack it in cod you bugger

krimbokrackerskayzed · 13/12/2006 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gigwig · 13/12/2006 21:00

Our DS is 4 and shy in his pre school. I dont force him to join in, but take him to things and let him take part if he wants to. Sometimes he doesnt, sometimes he does.

I am shy myself and always remember my father getting annoyed with me for not speaking enough in public that sort of thing - really hated it.

I think gentle encouragement is the nicest way for children. All children are different and yours is so young. Dont keep her away from these things, take her and let her take her time.

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