Need help with my daughter's behaviour

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I'm at a loss as to how to deal with my dd2's behaviour at school. She's 5 in Jan and is in reception.

A bit of background if it's relevant. She used to suffer with hearing loss and sleep apnea. She had an operation in the summer, adanoids out, grommets in and had her nostrils cauterised. She recovered well, sleep and snoring is better, she still had some issues with her hearing but I'm fairly confident she's hearing fine now, next hearing test next month. I suspect she sometimes pretends not to hear.

Today at pick up her teacher pulled me aside to tell me that she kicked another child in the private parts. There have been other incidences of her being unkind to her friends. Nothing like this though. I'm really shocked she did this, she's quite a dominant child but seems popular. She just doesn't seem to understand about being kind. She's very lively and can get carried away a lot. Her dad had adhd, not sure if that's relevant or not but I have wondered about it before.

However, she's extremely bright (not boasting) her teacher and her old nursery teachers all said the same thing. She's currently working at the level of a child in yr2, she reads, writes, maths is excellent. Her teacher said to me she's never taught a child where her levels and work are so high but her behaviour is so bad. She goes up to gold by lunchtime everyday for good work and I'm wondering if that lulls her into thinking she doesn't have to behave?

I'm at a loss as to what to do next, I want to nip this bad behaviour in the bud before she gets older and harder to deal with. I'm also dreading seeing the other child's mother in the morning, what on earth do I say to her? It's such a serious thing, hurting someone in the privates

So any advice would be very welcome

You are not alone. I am in a very similar situation so watching for some answers.

I think you may need to work closely together with the school so that you are consistent.

Good luck!

Have you considered having her screened for ADHD?

It's crossed my mind, but no idea how to go about it. My oh really suffered at school, despite being quite clever and able and eventually was expelled. But to my shame I don't know an awful lot about the condition, apart from the basics.

A lot of the info seems irrelevant to me, like how clever she is.
Whatever punishment the school wants to do, you back them up & remind her how disappointed she is.. and even more, would she want people to kick her? So why do it to them? Type statements. Reminder her why she wants to do the right thing, people will like her more she won't get in trouble, etc.

Did she go to nursery before? How was her behaviour there?
Is her behaviour at school worse now or has it always been difficult? I only ask because this term is such a crap one for dc feeling tired, overexcited, grumpy etc.

What are school doing about things, what strategies are they using?

Well it's hard to know what's relevant! I only mentioned because the teacher did whilst talking about the incident. We've had lots of conversations like that, being kind, how would you feel etc. She had a time out at school and we also do time out at home. School didn't say anything else about punishment only that she would have another talk to her tomorrow.

She did go to the school nursery, so same children. Her behaviour was ok there, just ok though. They said she wouldn't listen but that was when her hearing was at it's worst. Her behaviour is up and down at home, sometimes fine and she's lovely, other times no not good at all. She's in time out a lot. I'm finding it hard to cope tbh

Did your dd tell you what happened, why she did it? Was she provoked? I know from past experience that other children in the class can be very jealous of the brightest pupils. Not that this justifies her behaviour but it may hep to explain it.

Clearly your daughter is very advanced academically but from what you describe she could have a mild social/emotional delay which makes it hard for her to control her emotions. (I don't mean autism and of course I may be completely wrong here). If you feel that dd does have a mild social/emotional delay I have found social stories really beneficial. I am currently working through a book called 'What to do when your temper flares' it is amazing and really explains how to deal with anger more effectively. It is a very child friendly book, usually recommended for children 6 and above, but as your dd is quite advanced it may work for her. There are lots of other books on Amazon which may also help. I am sure they would also help with ANY child.

Your dd is still very young and many children struggle to control their emotions at this age. You are not alone. I wouldn't worry too much about seeing the other child's parents at school, they are unlikely to approach you as school usually deal with these kinds of incidents but if they do then just say how sorry and upset you are with your dd's behaviour. Reassure them that you are dealing with it. Thankfully most parents are reasonable. I hope things improve soon - it's not long to the holidays when you can let out a huge sigh of relief that you don't have to deal with school each day!! Can you tell I've been there? Best wishes x

She said the other child frightened her because she shouted and it hurt her ears. She did struggle after her op with loud noises and noise in general. But again, I'm unsure if she uses that as an excuse or 'get out clause'. I have explained that kicking is unacceptable in any circumstances (in child friendly language).

Thank you for the book recommendation, I can see that being very helpful, will get on Amazon tonight. (Might also help my hormonal 12 yr old too but that's another thread!)

If I suspect that she is delayed socially/emotionally how do I go about checking that out? School or doctors?

I would say always trust your gut instinct. If you feel that there is a mild delay which is making it much more difficult for her to interact socially at school, control her emotions and follow school rules then I would raise those concerns with her teacher and the SENCO (Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator). Keep a diary as evidence so you have 'real life' examples. As she is so young and also very bright you may well just be told 'she will grow out of it' or 'there are no real concerns', which may well be very true. However the school should also put some real strategies in place to help her manage her behaviour in school. If you work with the school and communicate well these strategies may well work (if your dd doesn't have any special needs) and therefore you need to do no more.

However if the problems persist even after the school implement these strategies then you can ask either the SENCO or your g.p to refer your dd to a paedatrician (sp?) for an assessment. But it sounds like this is a long way off, unless of course you have very serious concerns. At this stage I would buy books to read with her about managing her emotions, dealing with anger, etc and also ask the school to support her with specific targets and positive behavioural approaches, reward and praise work so much better than threats and punishments from my experience (although she does have to experience consequences for violent behaviour). I totally understand how hard this is for you. I've been through it myself - well I'm still going through it - constantly helping my 9 year old to manage his emotions. I hope it gets better for you. She may well be experiencing pain from loud noises - but of course she shouldn't kick anyone. Good Luck x

She has had a lot of pain in her short life. is it possible that she is angry about it ? She was hurt so she wants to hurt others?

I would get the possibility of ADHD checked out. It is a hereditary condition and the way you describe your daughter as being very able ability wise but struggling with appropriate behaviour is just how my ADHD son is. Hope you get some answers.

Thanks for all the respondes.

She's been well behaved at school since the incident. I'm going to persevere with the feelings books over the holidays, I got one called 'how to be a friend' which she loves but we'll see how much it sinks in. Hopefully this and having a good rest over the holidays will improve things. She's got a hearing test first week in January so we'll see how that goes but I'm fairly confident she's hearing well now.

I bumped into the other mum today and thankfully she was very reasonable, upset by it naturally, but the air has been cleared with no bad feelings between us so that's a weight off.

I'm also going to do some research on adhd and social/emotional delay over the break and see if anything fits with her. At least I'll know what to look for.

It seems like there is can underlying cause; maybe the operation maybe something else; I would try to get a referral to the paediatrician. Hope things settle. Being a parent is very hard and there are some children with personalities more challenging than others.