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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 2 year old just wants Daddy and won't let me near her

9 replies

tiggerandmonkey · 02/12/2015 10:29

Hello,

For about 10 days now my daughter just wants her Daddy and says regularly 'I not like Mummy'. It's fine when it's just the 2 of us (I work full time but pick her up from nursery and we have 2 hours together each evening before he gets home) although she does ask where Daddy is during that time. As soon as he gets home she won't let me go near her again. It's unbelievably upsetting, especially as she's started not wanting to come with me when I pick her up from nursery - but t'is then fine again when we're alone.

Having read these discussions I understand it's probably just a phase. I've tried saying things like 'well I have enough love for the both of us', 'well I think you're brilliant' etc but I just can't not show that it's affecting me and several times I've burst out crying which I understand is the last thing I should be doing.

I wonder if it is partly to do with the fact that Daddy rarely insists on anything she doesn't want to do and lets her have her way with most things. He'll happily let her sit in front of the telly for hours if that's what she wants and it's me who insists it gets turned off so we can do reading, drawing or playing etc. He'll also sleep on the floor in her room with her (he's put a duvet down) where as I insist that she sleeps in her cot even if I stay in the room with her until she goes to sleep. He's a great Dad and incredibly supportive of how I feel at the moment but I think it's something we need to address together so if he's contributing then we need to discuss that.

Sorry for long thread, it's just so upsetting for me and any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance

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rach2713 · 02/12/2015 12:00

Hi my daughter turns 3 this month and is like that. She goes through fazes off wanting me or dad it use to get to me as well but I'm ok with it now. Daddy is a soft touch were as I'm not and she loves getting her own way all the time I put her in time out and tell her off and she tells dad lol.

rach2713 · 02/12/2015 12:03

Think of it this way it's kinda of like bad cop good cop were mummy Is the bad cop and daddy us the good cop. She will come to you when she needs the hugs and kisses and comfort where daddy is play and mess about with

SerenityReynolds · 02/12/2015 12:13

My DD is almost 3 and has been through phases like this with being clingy to both of us. DH is a bit like yours in that he will sometimes be the slightly soft one who lets her get her own way more. We had a massive row the other week about him letting her get out of the bed to go to sleep on the floor the other week (doesn't help I'm 40 weeks pregnant and can't physically do some stuff with her now). I felt bad as he is willingly doing more than his fair share at the moment, but her bedtime behaviour was starting to escalate and he tends to take what appears to be the path of least resistance.

Have a chat with your DH and explain to him that sometimes he needs to be the bad guy. Agree what your joint stance is on things like bedtime and TV watching and that you both have to stick to it.

mariposa10 · 02/12/2015 12:39

Sounds to me like it has nothing to do with how much she loves you, she is just expressing her preference for Daddy because he is a soft touch with her. I actually think it's rather cruel of your DP to behave in this way because there is a clear difference in the way you are parenting, when you should be approaching it together, and he gets all the rewards for letting her have her own way all the time.

There's no point in you making her sleep in the cot when she has learnt all she has to do is ask for daddy because he lets her sleep on the floor. It's undermining you and if it's upsetting you he should care about that. As you say I think you need to have a proper chat with him and tell him how important it is for you to be parenting as a team without all this good guy bad guy stuff.

flanjabelle · 02/12/2015 12:48

I think your approach with dh needs to change. you need to be a United front. It must be quite confusing for her to have differing parenting styles like this. I would imagine she is feeling quite insecure and is trying to work out where she stands in the family and what the rules actually are.

Toddlers need consistency, you need to work out between you an approach that will give her the stability she needs.

waitingforsomething · 02/12/2015 12:57

My 3yo DD can be like this - she sees less of her dad and thinks he's a hero.
We do not allow her to choose who does what for her. She will regularly say something 'daddy is bathing me/doing my breakfast/getting me dressed ' and I will say no, mummy is doing you tonight and your brother is being washed/fed/changed by daddy. She will tantrum- we ignore. The less we let her choose a parent for certain tasks the less she tries to show preference.
Don't get upset - it is a totally normal stage of development and you will be favourite at some point soon!

Fugghetaboutit · 02/12/2015 13:05

Sounds great to me! It's obviously a phase and enjoy it. I have the opposite, a 3 yr old who won't let his dad even put a sock on him. I have to do EVERYTHING. And at 35 weeks preg I'm fecking sick of it! But patient of course

Honestly, it'll pass but it's good she has a good bond with both of you

Gazelda · 02/12/2015 13:13

My DD was the same. She wouldn't hold my hand to cross the road if Daddy was around. Always sit on his lap for a story etc etc.
It's heartbreaking, isn't it?

I worried that it was because I worked FT while she went to nursery and DH did the nursery runs. I also worked odd hours so was often absent in the evening and weekends.
I told my DH how much it was upsetting me. He understood and made an effort to be firmer with her which made me feel better as we were showing DD we were United and agreed on parenting.
And I made an effort to do fun stuff with her - we sometimes wore our sunglasses while brushing our teeth, or had waffles for breakfast during the week rather than our usual weatabix. Or I did a roly-poly and fell off the bed.
We got past it, but she still has phases where only one parent will do (she's 7 now).
I'll always be the bad cop to DH's good cop, but it works for us and we are both flexible and make efforts to be unexpectedly firm with her or surprise her with a huge shower of random love.
It will get better, I promise. And it's nothing personal to you.
But I feel for you

WombOfOnesOwn · 03/12/2015 21:43

When my sister was contemplating whether to get engaged to her long-time boyfriend, he said this to her:

"I don't want to be, like, a regular dad, I want to be the fun dad. I'll be the fun parent who lets the kid eat chocolate for breakfast if he wants to. If you want to tell him to stop, that's up to you, you can be the one in charge of discipline."

My sister realized immediately what this would mean for her: years upon years of being the nag, the drudge, the one who won't ever let someone do what they want, while her boyfriend would get to be the "fun dad."

She broke up with him not long after.

Since you've already got a kid, LTB seems excessive. But you need to talk to him about the fact that it's neither fair nor healthy to give a child a "fun parent" and a "nag parent." You need to work out what boundaries there should be for activities like television, compromise where you must, and then present a united front.

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