not showing remorse at 4 ?

[elfsmum]

called into school yesterday over my DS2 who is 4.9 - apparently he had thrown another boys coat into a puddle deliberately and when challenged by the teachers/dinner ladies showed no remorse.

I was called into the heads office and was told this and he said, although he's not ringing alrm bells at this stage if he doesn't start showing remorse it means he doesn't care and that he will suggest outside help.

As far as I'm aware this is the first incident of this nature, he didn't mention any previous incidents, DS1 had a lively start to school and has now settled down, and I'm wondering are they being a bit hard on DS2 ?

DS2 has the face of an angel but can and does lie, he would put bart simpson to shame, but we know this enforce the naughty step etc, I've told the head this and that we are working on trying to stop him telling lies, and it's usually "I didn't do it" even when we know he has, he isn't wilfully destructive, he doesn't wilfully hurt people, he treats his pets gently.

so to be told he might need outside help to show remorse at this age is a bit shocking

DH thinks we should politely nod and ignore the school as they are being over the top and being far too hard on him

Same thing happenned recently with my ds at school, he is 4.8 and he destroyed some play equipment (pulled paper straemaer type things off a big ball) and when challenged he showed no remorse and said he did it because it was rubbish. Even stuck to his guns in front of the head master.

Teachers acted like it was crime of the century, I felt terrible, dh took same attitude as yours.

I don't know what to suggest, I was mortified.

elfsmum - does he ever show remorse? It's not a good idea to judge a four year old on one incident.

you should have said

"he's 4"

listened intently then repeated
"mmmmm" nod head slowly as in deep thought "he's 4"

listen again intently nod head and say " whilst i would not condone this kind of behaviour. your reaction is completely disproportionate. i think if any outside intervention is needed i would be the first to notice being the primary carer. besides he's 4"

or write snotty letter

when he and DS1 get a bit boisterous(sp) and one of them gets hurt if he's the one that's done it he will say sorry and give his brother a hug.

or if he accidently steps on my toe or something of that nature he will say sorry straight away.

If he does something, like drawing on furniture (recent episode) it's a naughty step trip, explanation why it was wrong, and eventually he will say sorry, although this has sometimes taken 15 minutes !!

he has been known to take himself to the naughty step rather than say sorry for being naughty - but we still don't let him off until he says sorry

Sounds perfectly normal to me.

What are the school suggesting, that he's a pyschopath?

elfsmum - dd is 4.7 and only shows remorse when it will get her off the naughty step/a cuddle/sweets etc. I think they're too young to understand the concept of feeling bad for doing something wrong and would be more concerned about your school's attitude to be honest! go with custardo, nod wisely and take no notice

interesting Custardo, the head said to me when's he 6, I said he isn't he's 4, he said when's he 5, not until March.

he then said something along the lines of oh I know you are always reasonable parents and you do the right thing, not to worry too much then !!

just had a lovely email of DH, telling me not to worry, he's 4 and has only been in school 60 days after being in nursery

i'd write a letter in anyway. but then i do that - i am a leter wrtier

I remember being naughty at school when I was seven, it was a minor thing and I genuinly did not mean to do it. Teachers came down on me so hard that I had a jerk reaction and I said that I did it deliberately. I proceeded to make up some other more vicious thing thet I had also done.

He is not a psychopath he is just learning about the world. Try and talk to himn calmly and find out what reallly happened. And see if he shows remorse then.

I am too !!

I don't want to rock the boat tbh, when we complained when DS1 was in reception about another boy scratching him (he came out looking like he's been mauled by a cat) we were then hauled in every week over something DS1 had done, I firmly believe this has left him with a reputation that he's only now begining to shake of in year 2.

This is why I feel they are being too heavy on DS2, I mean what other mother gets called to the heads office over something like this, why didn't his class teacher deal with it, or his head of year ?

Now I feel like a total failure as a mother for not fighting my boys corner when I feel that the school is totally over the top, but I dont' want them singled out further

DS1 was told off several times in YR (a bit of a scuffle with another boy when lining up; "inappropriate tooting of a recorder" etc) and it was commented to me that he wouldn't say sorry, and didn't seem to think he had done anything wrong.
When I asked him about it, he said he kept quiet because the teacher was telling him off in a loud voice, in front of the rest of the class, and he was scared.
I think his silence was completely justified - and he was only 4 years old!