How long do tantrums last-what should i do ?

[naughtymummy]

DS is upstairs having a`mega tantrum (2.8) this has been going on since 1020.
The trigger was brushing his teeth and going to the loo so we could go out (to a toddler group at the library which we will have now missed). He is still lying on the floor crying if i go near him, he starts screaming again, he is still refusing to brush his teeth so we are at a stand off.
I am gutted as his sister( 8 weeks old) will wake up soon and I wanted to give him some nice one on one mummy time (at the group )while his sister slept, instead he has yelled for 40 mins. It has never gone on this long before, I usually just ingnore it and say talk to me when you are calm, but don't back down on the request eg; teeth therefore teaching him that throwing a strop do es'nt change anything he usually calms down quite quickley eg 10 mins or so. I find i ca n't reason with him whilst he is tantruming as I just get angry and i don't think shouting at a worked up child helps. Today it is just all going pear shaped and i do n't know what to do help please .....

Dr Sears advice may help you

this

this

DS1 is doing the same. He's 3.4 and we have a new baby 2 1/2 weeks old. His tantrums have been lasting about an hour. Nothimg helps. Typically, in the past, I have been like you in not backing down on things like brushing teeth, etc. However, since this seems to be a direct reaction to having a new brother, I now go into strictly survival mode. First, we tentatively try to talk him through it. That has had no effect. Then we pretty much wait it out and when he starts wearing down we go for distraction.

It's really, really awful and I hope this phase doesn't last too long.

those are good links Yuletide...sorry to hear about your day so far naughtymummy!

I think the key here is to take the pressure of yourself. You say he's still refusing to brush his teeth; then forget it. Don't press the issue any more about the teeth and going out, he's beside himself and it's pointless.

Don't worry about him having 'won'; in fact it's only him who has lost out, he's lost out on a nice playtime with you and on his one to one time with you. Just be sympathetic if you can; he's lost out on that and he's just not able to control these feelings right now.

I think the best thing on that link was the bit where it says "you are not responsible for causing, or stopping, his tantrums".

That's SOOOOO true. He just has feelings he can't control, that's part of being 2. Your only responsiblity is to be there as a reassuring presence, to let him know that when he's feeling able to, you are ready to talk/hug/play, whatever he needs.

I found with my ds that we needed to be separated completely during a real tantrum, as even if in the same room but ignoring him, I became the focus of his anger. If he was on his own in his room, he calmed quicker.

I'm hesitant to ask because I know ALL kids have tantrums and it's probably nothing to do with your approach at all, but were you a bit straight down the line with the tooth brushing and going to the loo thing possibly? My ds was immediately ready with 'No!' if I told him to do something and it was at this age that he responded brilliantly to games/challenges; eg oh no, you can't clean your teeth with this, it's mud! oh my goodness it's making your teeth go brown, eeuuuuurgh! He thought this sort of thing was hilarious and used to get dressed/brushed without noticing!

hth.

Thanks all, had a look earlier that website is brilliant, agree Sunny- there is a point at which he is completely beside himself I need to just comfort him\when he is ready. There is bizzare cloning of this thread not sure how that occurred. So surfice it to say we had a good day afterwards,he is in bed now, here hopes tommorow is better.

Hope your day was not too bad jaberwocky, things here have improved massively since DD was 2 weeks (he was openly attacking her). I am sure things will get better very soon for you. Difficult when you are tired from night feeds I know. As we are in similar positions do feel free to let off steam on here maybe we can give some mutual support.

Yes SSU I think you are absolutely right he does not respond well to ultimatums, I probrably was a bit no- nonsense about getting ready because :
a) I have limited time between breastfeeds to do things and
b) I think rightly or wrongly that when it comes to brushing his teeth and going for a wee before leaving the house it should be a non issue he should just do it.

However we did have some nice time together and as I said on the other thread. I need to chill out about trying to get to groups and things on time, he just wants my attention and playing with his cars is just as good as anything else`as far as he's concerned thanks again

glad the thread helped naughty. I know exactly what you mean, the cleaning teeth/loo before going out should be a 'given' but toddlers have a way of making world armaggeddon out of the things that should be 'just done' don't they!

i think the best way I can explain my approach is to say that I think some games and jollying along are necessary at this stage, in order to be able to make this stuff routine....my ds is four now and I hardly ever have to do the elaborate game playing now, it's such a routine with him to do his teeth that I say "Here's your toothbrush" and he does it. So it's just a case of having to do a bit of manouevering to get to the stage you want to be at, in my experience anyway.

x

I think using humour is a realy good idea and i resolve to do more of that. He has a great sense of humour and with him I think that is the key . Will try harder ....

what a lucky boy he is though to have such a thoughtful mum as you, specially considering you are dealing with such a young baby too!

I tell you what, I think kids' sense of humour is just totally missed by some people, it's such a shame as I just love watching ds' sense of humour grow; he is so funny and now he is four, has come out with some really witty comments and his comic timing can be spot on - don't get me wrong, he's not like a comedian, it's all just day to day stuff but I think developing our kids appreciation of humour is such a gift. So if it makes your life a bit easier and more fun, and helps your ds too, it can't be a bad thing in my view!