DS1 biting at school......again.....help please

[Pfer]

OK, here goes.....DS1 has a history with another child in his class. They went to playschool together but were never friends or enemies, they just had other friends. Anyway when they both started in the nursery of the local primary school I had to speak to the teacher as DS had complained about the other boy hitting him on the nose and hurting him OK, no more incidents.
When they started in reception on September DS cleary avoided him, even now if he sees the other boy on the way into class he'll either hang back or run on ahead so he doesn't have to walk near him. The first biting incident took place after the other boy had badgered DS a little too much and he'd flipped. The second the boy was chasing DS asking him to play. And today the boy asked DS if he could help him do something and DS has really hurt him - a big bite on his shoulder. All I can make out is that this boy wants to be DS's friend but DS doesn't like him. In fact just yesterday DS came home crying saying this boy wanted to be his friend forever "well that's nice isn't it?" I said "NO! I REALLY HATE HIM, I HATE HIM" was the reply.
DS is upstairs in his room at the moment where he'll stay for the rest of the night I think. I just don't know what to do or say to get him to understand that he can't do this,that it's unacceptable behaviour and I won't/Can't tolerate it.
The only link's I can find between the incidents is that it's always this boy and always when DS is tired and always a Friday.
Has anyone got any suggestions please. I'm at a complete loss. School say they don't know what to suggest, but a friend has mentioned a 'time-out word' to be used between the two of them. If one of them's had enough of the other they say a decided upon word and the other knows to back off. What do you think?

Any chance you could arrange to have the boy over for a playdate? Arrange something DS really wants to do, and get him to do it with this boy?

I expect your DS will say no, but it might help clear the air.

Shouldn't your DS just be walking away, and saying "stop" and "no", when things go wrong?

it's so hard isn't it! my ds(5) has a history of the same thing. i'm surprised the school don't know what to suggest, when my son went through it they school gave him a letter which we had to sign so he knew it was unacceptable behaviour, and since then he knows to keep away from the other boy. how old is your son?

NQC - yes he should just be walking away, that's what the school (and DH and myself) promote. But he's 4yo and I don't think he's managed to gain control over his emotions yet.
SEA - he's 4 going on 5. School have spoken to him, explained it's not acceptable etc etc, which is what they did the other two times it happened.
Spoke to one of the teachers after school tonight and she seems quite matter of fact - it happens and we'll work through it. But it worries me that a) he's doing it in the first place, b) there must be an underlying reason and c) he could really hurt the other boy.

I don't think this sort of behaviour is abnormal. As you say, it sounds like he's not really got ahold of his emotions, it's happening when he's already tired etc etc. It will pass.

with my son we worked out that because he was frustrated in being unable to find the words, his first reaction was to bite. he hasn't done it for a few months now but i used to get so upset thinking of all the consequences (what if he hurt the other child really badly etc). we also had a star chart which did work for a while too. the teacher told me it was hard to keep him away from the other boy!

i think it's something that they do grow out of, but i know how bad it makes you feel.

so what do I do? Just hope that it doesn't happen again? Keep him off when I know he's too tired? - sadly I decided last night to keep him off school today because of the mood he's been in the last few days, but this morning he was ok and he really, really wanted to go and got upset when I said he was to stay at home so against my better judgement I took him. Maybe I should trust my mothering instincts a bit more eh?

God, he's standing at the top of the stairs now actully DEMANDING to be let down stairs! He's in a right strop and he's crying. Lovely. Just what I've always wanted. OH Hell! He's stamping and screaming now. Hope DH hurries up home. Thing is I don't want him around DS2 when he's like this incase he hurts him too.

Could you convince him to have the other boy over sometime? Or meet up with him at a park? Try to smooth things over?

Another option: try to teach him some self-calming techniques, like counting to 10? Or yoga breathing?

Well, I tried this. We went to a play area together (a group of us) they played together ok so about an hour! Great I thought, then I saw DS's expression change, he was walking away from the boy but looking behind him, walking faster and faster to get away and I could see right it was leading so took DS away before anything could happen, and with him saying he hates him I really doubt he'll go for it.

i went on at my son and told him again and again that it was wrong, everytime i dropped him off i told him to be good and tell the teacher if he ever felt angry enough to fight and also used the star chart (which did work). don't keep him off he is still learning to get along with people, even people he doesn't like. i do feel for you.

Self calming ideas sound good. Will have a think about what could work for him..

SEA - it's not like he doesn't have friends. According to his teacher he's one of the most popular children (with both the boys and girls) as he's fun. He's always being invited to playdates and parties and mixes really well not only with his class but also the other reception class. It's just this one boy he dislikes so much. There's got to be a reason for it surely?