Attachment problem ?

[RicottaPearTart]

Hi,

I'm actually starting to feel quite anxious about this situation and can't seem to find much info on it so I thought maybe someone else could enlighten me.
My dd is 13 months old and I've been totally confident in her attachment to me up until last week . All of a sudden she is acting differently , and when she cries she doesn't seem to want me to hold and comfort her .

Last night for example she woke during the night ( we co sleep ) crying uncontrollably I picked her up immediately and tried to soothe her but she tried to get away from me she sat on the bed just crying , looking and me. I found this disturbing and I felt completely useless, I just can't understand why she wouldn't want me to soothe her. Thankfully I did eventually calm her down and get her back to sleep.
It may seem silly but I felt quite upset about it and then this morning to make matters worse a friend of my mothers stopped by briefly and dd was scrambling to get to her trying to catch her attention and be picked up by her , the lady didn't seem amused so I took dd away which upset her . She has never done this before usually being interested in strangers but not actually trying to get into their arms !

Then the other night my mother was hovering the noise (which has never bothered her previously ) scared her and she began to cry uncontrollably resisting my attempts at calming her, after about 5 minutes when my mother had finished she came into the room and dd held up her arms wanting to go to her ,she then immediately held her arms open wanting to come back to me and then her grandmother again , and then me , apparently confused as to who to stay with ,this has never happened before .

I have to say that this has all started since we got to my mothers house 8 days ago , we live in Italy and dd and I are here on holiday without my dh. However we were here visiting not long ago and dd remembered the house and my mother well .
Other than these specific events she's fine with me is very loving and smiley comes to look for me when I'm out of the room for a while and seems fine, her usual self .

I've now been reading up on attachment and it has made me worry that something is wrong for her to want to go to a stranger and not be easily soothed by me, her mum .
Does this behaviour indicate an attachment problem or could this be due to the change of situation ?

Hi, didn't want to read and run. I have two adopted DDs who both had attachment issues. They were both a bit older than your dd when they came to live with us and it is difficult to compare but I would suspect from what you have said that the problem is more the situational change that is causing the changes.

You are right a sign of an attachment issue is that that the child may not find comfort from their primary caregiver and may find comfort from any other adult indiscriminately however I think this would be sustained over a longer period of times. I also think that as a parent you get the feeling that something doesn't feel right about your relationship when their are attachment issues, again I think this is over a prolonged period of time and the fact that this is a new thing I think demonstrates more of a blip at the moment

It could also be related to something else that is going on for her developmentally/physically, and she is also probably missing your DH who she will have no clue as to why he is not around at present. I am wondering have their been any previous incidences where you or your husband has not been around for long periods? Has this reaction happened before?

I am trying in my clumsy way to reassure you, hopefully someone else with more experience may be along later!

Thanks Chicken

We are often away from him and she has never shown any of these behaviours . But yes I think she will be missing him and wondering why he now lives in my mobile phone .

I also have adopted children, one of whom has attachment difficulties. What you're describing sounds way more like an acute response to an unusual situation.

If she's generally happy with you, relates well to you, can calm herself when distressed (as far as any toddler can!!), can express her needs to you and get them met (again within reason ), I would think it highly unlikely this is a deep seated attachment issue.

She is at the age when toddlers do start to explore away from you and be interested in forming relationships with other people as well as you, so maybe it's just all happened a bit suddenly because lovely attentive grandma has appeared.

I really wouldn't worry - and I say that as someone who is very well aware that children can have real and serious attachment issues.

Hang on - just read your description of the not being soothed issue. Kids can have what's called 'night terrors' when they appear to wake in distress but actually aren't awake at all. I wonder if that's what was going on - she appeared not to want your comfort because she wasn't actually awake?

Night terrors / nightmares would make sense in an unfamiliar bed.

Hope things settle down soon Ricotta, must be worrying got you

Hi ,

Everything went back to normal , she has been poorly over the last couple of days and has been glued to me. Also when we were out shopping with my mother she woke up in the pram whilst I was in the changing room and cried the place down as she couldn't see me ,as soon as my mother brought her to me she calmed down . That reassured me somewhat.
I think she must have just been unsettled coming here initially. DH pointed out that even though so young she must miss her home and also all of her teddies and toys, as she demonstrated when she burst into tears after he showed her one of her teddies on Skype .
Thanks for all the reassurance.