Parent techniques for my 10 year old son. I feel useless

[Barberella40]

Hi I wonder if anyone can give me tips on dealing with my 10 year old son...I never thought it possible for a child to be so beautiful but then be so challenging all within 60 seconds... My son is a very loving, affectionate kind and soppy little boy but he is also so defiant and can get so angry. I feel that I have lost all control over him which makes me feel a total failure, and I just don't know how to get control back over the situation, I feel that he now controls our home. I could give so many examples, he constantly tells me I'm not the boss of him, I can't tell him what to do etc... Just this morning, something so small, he wanted to take some toys to school (year 6) I told him he couldn't as you are not allowed to take toys to school, so he just puts them in his bag, I go to take them out and he screams the house down telling me he can do what he wants... He was told recently he couldn't have an Xbox game, so he downloads in anyway, which cost us £15, I have no idea how he actually managed to do this is as we have every parenting control possible on the Xbox. So we have put a chore chart in place so he has to pay it off, as well as a grounding, at first he was fine he knew he had done wrong so did the chores, but within a few days he just point blank refuses to do any, again 'I can't tell him what to do' and he isn't bothered by the fact that he has no computers, tablets or anything until it's paid off.. I can't decide if we have one hell of a power struggle going on which I am making worse, if he is just massively stubborn, or if I am just crap.. His behaviour is actually perfect until the 'no' word is mentioned or I challenge him on something.

He also spends a lot of time shouting at his older sister trying to get her into trouble, although I am very much aware of this and try not to react to it, but I am now at the point where I feel totally lost as to how to get the control back as the parent, it feels very much that I am the child in this relationship at the moment.

So please if anyone can share any parenting techniques to help me take control and get my confidence back I would be so grateful....

Thank you.

K

Oh, that all sounds pretty horrible for you at the moment

Sorry I can't help with advise. Ds2 has shown signs of this behaviour but to a lesser extent. We like, you took privileges away, he sometimes still has an adverse reaction to the word no, but tends to just sulk now.

Thank for that I will try that book. Could you just give me an example of what you mean by positive approach goals? Think I am at the point where I am struggling to find the positive so need a nudge and a reminder. Thank you for your support.

I spent a lot of time figuring out ways to avoid saying “no” to my DS. There are certain things that seem to “dig him in” to a state where he just wont give in no matter what. “No” saying to be one of them, it’s as if once he hears “no” he can’t hear anything else. And if he’s made a plan then having his plans disrupted is another one. Though my DS doesn’t often ask for things and when he does we can usually negotiate some kind of compromise or make a plan so he gets what he wants but maybe not immediately. Depending on what the issue with game was we wouldn’t immediately say “no” but we would talk round saving up money, birthdays, time spent on the computer, age restrictions or whatever.

What’s your DS like after he calms down? My DS used to go crazy after I said “no” but if I just carried on as if nothing had happened he’d still remember he wasn’t supposed to do whatever-it-was. So if it wasn’t something very important I wouldn’t try to stop him because it wasn’t worth the outburst; if it really mattered I’d try to tell him “no” early on so he’d have plenty of time to kick off and calm down. As much as possible I’d try to predict and tell him the rules beforehand and in a non-challenging way and neutral kind of way. Of course that wasn’t always possible – if something important and immediate came up I’d have to say “no” and ride the storm. But at least he’d remember in future so he wouldn’t ask to take his toys in another time.

I wouldn’t load up so many punishments to be honest. Grounding plus no electronics plus chores seems like an awful lot for one misdemeanour or even for several misdemeanours. Try to scale your punishments so you only punish the very worst behaviour (whatever that is for your DS – my DS used to hit people ) and each crime only gets one punishment not several, and try to scale it so he’s not doing more than one punishment at a time. Also how does your DS respond to bribery? And praise? My DS is a bit of a sucker for those, so I try to use them as much as possible.

(And I do second polter’s recommendation for "The Explosive Child". It's saved our bacon a few times!)

I have hit this stage too.
I try and share with him his choices and options, try and encourage him to make the right choice but ultimately allow him to decide.

So if he wanted to go out, but had a chore to do first and refused. Id simply say "if you do that now, you will be out in no time. If you continue arguing about it, you are only wasting your own time...which do you think sounds like the better option?"

It doesnt always work and sometimes it winds up in an unexpected power struggle. I try so hard to avoid these, and try my best to not engage. Sometimes i blink and realise im already in it.
I try and back out saying "i have told you what i expect, told you how to it and when to do it. It is now in your hands. Im no longer discussing it" and walk away.
Sometimes he is stubborn enough to keep mumming me repeatedly...which drives me mad and he knows it ha