Tears and tantrums - and that's just me!

[LittleMoose]

My DS is nearly six and frankly I am in tears every night now. She is so naughty every day after school, she screams and shouts, she refuses to do as she is told, she fights with her little sister, she is uncontrollable. I find myself shouting louder and louder which makes it worse, I try to send her to her room but she refuses to go and I am seriously worried that the police will knock on my door soon with all the screaming. On the whole she is an adorable little girl but, she has had trouble settling into Year 1 and still crys every morning. She worries about everything and gets very anxious. She bites her nails, her clothes and is even biting her lip until it bleeds. A lot of the trouble started after she stopped having her dummy in the summer and I feel I took away her comfort zone and she almost went through cold turkey for two weeks at the time. I hate falling out with her, every day I am determined that tonight will be different but it always ends up the same. I know she loves me and I know she knows I love her, it's almost like she behaves at school then unleashes her frustration on me at home. I am worried her influence will set my younger daughter down the same path in which case I would end up in a looney bin for sure! Anyone else had the same problems? feedback would be appreciated.

Oh sweetheart, what a dificult time.

Firstly, starting school does bring out a whole new side to children. My eldest (DD1, age nearly 6) is in primary 2 and changed dramatically after starting school. It has been sad but it is natural and normal. They are coming up against many new things, some wonderful and some learned from older ones in the playground. I would expect that some of her behaviour is releasing some of the stuff she is experiencing (not necessarily bad, just learning life).

Some of your frustration and anger comes out of worrying for her and feeling unable to fix things for her. I wonder if what is really needed is to spend time getting to the bottom of her concerns.

I empathasise totally with the situation. ATM I spend an hour each saturday morning with my DD1 (I give her a choice about what we do, atm we are making christmas cards together and while we sit at the table with a cuppa, gluing and glittering she opens up about lots of stuff while I listen intently but pretend to listen calmly and concentrate on my glittering ). My DP takes my other children out for just an hour so we can have total peace for us.

Can you build in some time just for you and her to do something of her choice so she can realise you are someone she can have fun with, not just buck against?

HTH.......

It is very hard but getting her to talk to you the way you want her to has to start with you talking to her that way. I'm not lecturing, i do it too.

Thanks a lot for answering me and I note your comments. I do need to spend more time with her on a one to one but it is hard with a two year old running around but could be done with a little co-operation from my husband. I will speak to him. He works away from home during the week which I think is another reason for Molly's behaviour. It is so hard at the moment - I really thought things would have settled down by now. On one hand I feel I can't cope but on the other I feel so grateful to have two healthy children. I need to do what is best for her. We do talk a lot together and I do feel she would tell me anything and she is very affectionate towards me, sometimes too clingy, it just seems that the respect isn't there so I need to work on that. Fingers crossed.

LittleMoose, my DP works away through the week as well and it is hard not having someone else to come in and lighten the atmosphere sometimes. I used to love when he used to come in and I could either send him off to do the baths or know he was cleaning up and preparing dinner while I did the baths. Any chance you can get a little more time off from from caring for the children? You really, really do see life differently when you can get some regular time away (even if its just at Tesco!!!). Could you have Saturday mornings say between 9am and 12noon to do your things (hairdo, gym, swim, Tesco, sleep in)

Yes it certainly would help if the girls had daddy coming home to look forward to in the evening. I can't complain really though, I do actually have quite a bit of time to myself - my youngest goes to private nursery 3 days a week and my oldest is at school so I manage to keep on top of the shopping/housework etc and get my hair done if I need to! I just need to concentrate on giving more individual attention to Molly. I have decided to try harder to ignore the tantrums taking into consideration her anxiety rather than telling her off all the time. Perhaps if I let it ride a bit she will feel better having let off some steam and things will calm down naturally. Here's hoping! Thanks again for your advice - much appreciated.

Have a daughter who gets over-anxious too. She's only 4 but she'll make quite the teenager if it keeps up!!

Talk to your daughters teacher at school and see if there's stressors there too... the transition to school is hard but maybe there is something in the classroom that is bothering her or where she sits or maybe theres bullying or something. Ask. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

When our daughter shouts at us, we ignore her if at all possible. If not, we talk in a low voice and quietly so that she has to quiet down if she wants to hear what we are trying to say. If she is totally out of control, we physically take her to her room and tell her she may not come out until she's gotten herself together.