do all 4-year-olds metamorphose into crazed, over-emotional lunatics?

[imaginaryfriend]

I've been avoiding facing it but my dd, previously very amenable, loving, funny, a real little companion, has just turned 4. And turned into somebody really different! It's like she has permanent pmt. She cries inconsolably over virtually nothing and refuses to be comforted (that really gets to me, that she won't accept a cuddle), she flies into a rage over nothing. She speaks sometimes like the most horrible precocious brat you can imagine, very rude, incredibly bossy, won't listen, criticises everything I do or say.

Sometimes I feel so mad with her, then others I look at her and think she seems completely out of control of her own emotions and is almost quite frightened by the extent of them. And sometimes her sweet and amusing side comes out again and everything seems fine.

So ... any tips? Does it last? Where do I draw the line between letting her express these emotions while not allowing her to behave awfully?

anyone?

mine has
mine has

and her mate at nursery.

and as I have an older DD, yes it does pass...only to be replaced by the 'argumentative-I-know-a-better-time/place/way-of-doing-what-you-just-asked-me-to-do phase...

so very like the 4yo phase, just more shouty, but without the tears....sigh

but the 6yo has a great sense of humour and does a wickedly accurate impression of DD2 (which of course I never secretly snigger at )

My DD was very similar and I think she was testing me, learning almost too much at school to cope with emotionally, finding out that other children can be really mean and also just wanting to be in control but without knowing how to be. Now though, after lots of different ideas from me, she's changed again and is lovely. We've really got a lot closer and I make sure that we have our own time together without DS there. I found taking her away from a difficult situation, or not involving her in the first place was easier than trying to reason She would play up in Tesco so I ordered online which took the pressure off.
When she got back from school all she wanted was to watch tele and to begin with I was trying to interact with her and play games, do puzzles etc. But then realised she was just too tired. So now she just relaxes and I play if she wants to. We used the 'naughty bench' technique when she first started the phase and she was on it 3/4 times every day but now she hardly ever has to go on it and knows how to behave after the warning.

Thanks everyone.

Luciemule, a lot of what you say sounds familiar. I do feel like she's testing out different emotions sometimes, and yes, definitely encountering all kinds of temperaments at school. I've heard some of the girls being really quite cruel to each other. Plus it's very busy there and my dd likes nothing better than quiet activities, preferably one-to-one. In fact, generally, when it's just me and her and we don't have anything in particular to do, she's very relaxed still.

In terms of things like 'naughty bench' I never know when to use it. Obviously if I've warned her to stop something and she doesn't then you'd send her to it. But what I find is that she does something, I tell her off, she says sorry very tearfully then throws herself on the bed in floods of tears and won't be comforted. Sometimes for up to 20 mins. I don't know what to do with that one, I can't punish her when she's crying. And I can't stop the crying. Recently I've been just leaving her to cry as she gets very cross if I try to cuddle her or talk to her. Then she gradually just comes back, hugs my leg, says sorry again and we move onto the next thing.

It's not an easy time though is it?

Yep sounds just like my DS, he's a very whiny four year old at the mo, especially when he gets home from school, anything and everything sets him off and DP doesn't help by calling him a "wuss" or a "baby" which seems to make him scream and cry even more. He cries out to me so when I go and comfort me he pushes me away so I go away and then he runs after me wailing "Mummmmmmeeeeeee cuddle". DP wishes he would be a bit more tougher though.

comfort him not me

oh crazydazy PLEASE don't let your dp do this to your son. I can't bear to think of a GROWN UP calling a FOUR year old names, it's so humiliating and demeaning to the child. Your son will not get tougher by being bullied like this, he will get less tough because his core of confidence is being worn away by his own father figure. It makes me shudder to think of it. If he wants to help him be tougher he just needs to offer comfort when needed and be there to offer real strategies to help your ds find a way through things! Sorry to be so plain speaking but that is just lazy parenting on his part. He needs to think!

And yes Imaginaryfriend my 4 yr old DS has shown some similarities to your dd, specially not wanting a cuddle when upset, which I find hard as as a mum that's what you want to do! I do think an awful lot of this is to do with trying to exert a little control after the exertions of fitting in at school, and plain old exhaustion really. If she is talking to you rudely I really find ignoring works, just tell her you will carry on talking to her when she can talk nicely.....and it sounds like you are doing the right thing in leaving her when she's beside herself...she calms down and comes to find you when she needs you. I think maybe now with the business of life they start to appreciate a little time alone?

CD, I do agree with SSU about encouraging your partner not to call your ds a baby. Even though I feel like calling my dd all kinds of names on occasion I know I just can't because they are so small, they really don't know what they're doing. I often think how much harder it must be to be going through these emotional stages if you're a little boy because people are so much less sympathetic to crying boys.

Well, bizarrely this afternoon has been like a total dream. For some reason I can't fathom while we were enduring a rather excruciating Tesco visit with dd grumbling about everything she just changed. I've really no idea why. But all afternoon she's been co-operative, fun, happy amusing herself as well as chatting to me and having delightful fits of giggles.

It's bloody madness isn't it?

any other thoughts on this one this evening?

My dd is 5.5 and is still pretty much the same (sorry!!).

A friend's daughter stopped at the end of Yr 1 and became a 'dream' child so I am hoping...

My ds is now just 4 and he is getting a little like this, but not too bad, I think because he sees what trouble dd gets into for her outbursts (and how he teases her lol) and keeps control of himslef.

He is shattered at the moment after such a long, busy term and inclined to be very erratic and unpredictable. It is really a case of only fighting battles you HAVE to win, and ignoring the rest.

I'll update you when (if?) dd gets any better

DD1 sounds very similar. I'm finding I need huge heaps of patience, which I just haven't got most of the time. Things are good when I manage to take a step back and give lots of hugs, find the funny side and give her loads of attention. I'm not very good at all that though - I get into a vicious circle of picking up on every fault and making her even more stressed

On the bright side, today she stayed off school. She has a cold, which I would not normally consider bad enough to justify a day off - but she's getting more and more run down as the end of term approaches, so we gave her a "duvet day". And what a nice day we've had. I wrote off everything I wanted to do and just concentrated on her (as far as possible with a suicidal mountaineer toddler in the house, anyway). Made me realise how little real time we have for each other in a normal routine day. No wonder she's demanding ...

my 4yr ds had a 90 minute tantrum yesterday

I got loads of housework done whilst ignoring him!

smithagain, yes, if it's just me and dd and I don't have anything to do then things are fine. As soon as there's anyone or anything else vying for my attention she starts to play up! I actually do manage to give her a lot of time generally though as she's my only child and she's only at school for the mornings at the moment. So you can't win really!

As soon as I have anything to do or am on the phone my two start to have a WWE style wrestling match with headlocks and hair pulling!!!!!

This drives me insane as its all for the show, always remember that the show will stop if the audience fails to show any interest, the little tinkers will try anything if they know they can push your buttons

my little boy is 4 in Jan and dp recently said he is sick of how much he cries now.
I find that i just have to be a bit more patient and concentrate on reasoning with him and it pays dividends. Tiring after a full day of it but worth it!

My 4 year old DS1 is exactly the same. Somebody told me that they get a surge of testosterone at about this age which is greater than that which they get as a teenager!!!! That might have something to do with it...if it is infact true! I have kidded myself that it is and tell myself that it will soon pass and I would much rather him be a little over-emotional than aggressive. He often says to me that he doesn't know whats wrong...he's just upset....so the above would make sense. Damn hormones!!!!!

rydercup, yes I've heard that too about boys. But nobody talks about girls getting hormone rushes and I'm sure they must. My dd really is as though she has rampant pmt and she can't control her moods. The other night we were getting ready for bed and she remembered being very angry earlier in the day and I asked her why that had been (because I hadn't a clue why she'd got so cross at the time) and she said 'I don't know I just felt like being cross in the same way as I feel like being tired now.' Which would suggest something hormonal, no?

Oh yes, this describes my 4 year old ds perfectly! It's so exhausting isn't it?

I'm hoping it will pass.

My friend's dd is nearly 5 and she said it lasted about 6 months then suddenly got better on its own ...

Are you kind of shell-shocked at the change in your child though? This is all very uncharacteristic for my dd.

Oh god yes - completely differnt child at the moment!! He has also started to become really self-conscious....thats the only way I know how to describe it.....strange about having an audience when he eats.....told me the other day that he did not want me to make his breakfast because I had lipstick on....I ask you???? I just keep smiling through gritted teeth!!!!

Gosh I started a thread about my 4 year old dd this week along the same lines as this one

here

rydercup - maybe he just didn't like that particular shade?

puddle, just read your thread. My dd hasn't got that 'god sake' kind of attitude although her closest friend has. The friend drives me nuts in a different way, she's always telling dd what to do, doing that 'hands on hips' kind of 'oh-my-god' attitude stuff. Mine doesn't do that, she goes more for the depressed teenager who has the world against her and all the troubles of time on her shoulders! I wonder what it'll mean when they're older? Dd's friends mum and I joke that dd's friend will become a speed-taking biker jetting off round the world without a word of farewell and mine will be a dope-smoking goth listening to Joy Division in the dark in her room!

LOL - quite likely!!! He was damn lucky I got chance to put any on whatsoever!!!