Don't even know what to call this but it will be long.

[usedtobeaperson]

My 11 year old ds is a stunning young lad, he is loving and caring, funny and sees the world in a completely unique way.

Sadly I don't see the world in the same way he does which causes him frustration and anxiety.

We have been through many, many diagnostic routes (not in the UK) and he consensus seems to be that the issue is me rather than him. I would like to consider myself of at least average intelligence yet I seem to have consistently failed parenting course after parenting course.

I would like to build a better relationship with my ds as he really deserves this and I am so, so tired of trying all the time to parent more effectively and not making any headway.

We have just had our weekly swimming lesson which he managed about 10 minutes of before having a massive meltdown in the pool. An easy answer would be not to go swimming but if we gave up everything that resulted in a meltdown then we would go nowhere including school, do nothing other than screen time and put absolutely no demands or limits on ds. I don't want to live like that and I don't think it is fair to teach ds that this is how we should live. I also don't believe that other people live in this manner in order to achieve the behaviour they want.

Most of the parenting courses talk about building relationships and taking time out to really spend time with my kids. We read to ds every night and have family games night once a week. One weekend day is family day and we all go out and spend time together. We have special time with each of the children one on one a couple of times a week. Perhaps I am not doing enough interactions that are led by him but try as I might I can't play minecraft and it only ends in him yelling at me if I try.

We have very clear boundaries around behaviour and we don't tolerate shouting or hurting. Both of these have immediate consequences.

I'm not even sure what I am after but I am tired, just so, so tired of having to manage the meltdowns everywhere, everyday and failing.

APlace that's thoughtful of you. I read your posts as trying to be helpful and supportive, so hopefully that's how the OP experienced them too.

I just went back to read what you said to see if you'd said something terrible, and honestly I couldn't spot anything.

Your point about engaging kids in decisions is a sensible one, and funnily enough what the collaborative problem solving approach in the Explosive Child is all about. No, I don't get commission, honest .

Isitme
Thank you for your comments on imagination - it makes much more sense the way you describe it , shame the professional carrying out the assessment hasn't read that bit!

My son has learnt to recognise when he is beginning to feel 'fizzy' - it doesn't necessarily stop the behaviour but it helps him to take action to control it better.
He also needs downtime every day , his room is his sanctuary .
Thank you for your post - it was very helpful

Glad it helped petrova your post helped me too!

This is the bit on the NAS website re social imagination.

It really does sound like your ds has been so fobbed off!!!

I have the contact details of someone who offers retained reflex therapy in the UK who has taught all over Europe so may be able to find you a contact where you live???

Retained reflexes influence ASD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD and all sorts of other things so even without a diagnosis of any of this it would help address his "issues" and let him live a happier life.

Good morning, just checking in before the kids get up. Thank you for all the replies.

It has been hard to be told constantly that it is me and my parenting inability causing all of this. It is nice to hear that some of you think there might be more to it than that but at the same time hard to believe - we have had so many people investigate and find nothing!
RandomMess we are in New Zealand. I suspect that reflex therapy may be thin on the ground here. I am willing to give pretty much any thing a go and if it does turn out that it is my problem then maybe we will find something in the books/sites etc that will help address that.

Thank you again for all the recommendations and ideas - lots to try.

Isit
Thank you - will read that. Thanks for helping - much appreciated.
Usedtobe
Good luck - keep investigating and pushing for help. You sound like a fab mum and you deserve to be supported not fobbed off .

I think it seems more mainstream than it is in the UK in Australia so fingers crossed.

The guy I used calls the wider impact as neuro development delay or which retained reflexes can be the cause.

Good luck