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DESPERATRE FOR YOUR ADVICE RE MY DSnearly 3 and DD 19mths

14 replies

MrsLoveToChat2U · 06/12/2006 09:04

"Hi Everyone, please can someone give me some advice on what i should do". Im really desperate to the point of im beging for advice.B 4 you read this you should make yourself a cup of coffee/tea as i have alot of issues!!
I have 2 gorgeous children DS who is 3yrs on new years eve and a DD who is 19months. They love each other to bits but my DS is becoming a nightmare towards his little sister. He wont let her play with anything without snatching it off of her.Then because DD is not happy with her brother she litterally throws herself on the floor holding her head as though she is in pain,{she is not}and screams soo loudly she could smash glass, by this time I go down onto my DS level eye contact with his and explain that he is not aloud to snatch and we must share etc etc as we all do, I ask him to say sorry to his sister which he does and as soon as my DD has stopped screaming, even thoughmy DS has said sorry to her she will go out of her way to bite him!!! Then he hits he for biting him!! Im honestly going out of my mind as this goes on from the time they both wake at the awfull hour of 6am to 7pm My husband says i should stay in the same room with them at all times, but as you mums know in the real world you cant be attached to their sides every waking hour when you haev a house to run.All i do is tell the children off, for hitting or bitting. Here what i have tried.The naughty corner/step for my DS,didnt really work as much as i stuck to it.I tried picking up my daughter when my DS was being spitefull and taking her in another room saying to her that my DS name, was not being a good boy as he was not letting DD name play and he was not sharing then saying mummy and DD will play nicely and share and when my ds comes in to play he will always come in saying sorry which is good, but within 2mins max the whole scenario has kicked off again. The only time they are both like angels is when Lazy town is on!! thank god for sportacus!!
I feel such a bad mum as all i do is tell my son off, saying leave her alone, let her play,dont hurt her,why wont you eat your dinner, you love that dinner its your favourite, you havent eaten anything all day,you have to eat your breakfast/Lunch/dinner or you wont be strong like sportacus!! Everything i seem to say is negative to him and its breaking my heart and now he seems to be in a very different world the past month? I read the post on behaviour problems and he relates to that as though it was written about him, he doesnt want to go to bed of a night, says every excuse under the sun, Im starving mummy, Im burning up im so hot mummy!! Im not tired mummy although i have put him to bed later than usual. But whats hard is that he screams the place down so that he doesnt go to sleep and im always worried that he will wake up my DD as i put her down to bed first about 7-7.30pm and then put my son to bed, cant do it the other way round as she goes to sleep like an angel; most of the time anyway.So i was relieived to hear that it is a common thing, but i honestly feel like im going to have a nervous breakdown.I have spoken to my health visitor, but my ones are useless as all they do is say yur very stressed and emotional right now lets put you on prozac to help calm you down and as for the children its just a phase!!!!!!!!!!!!
All im asking is, is there any suggestions anyone can give me for siblings of a close age gap? And has anyone had the problem of their children coming into your bed? My son starts waking about 2am and crys out for me or his dad, refuses to go back to sleep in his bed and demands to come into ours, shouts so loud that DD wakes up aswell and then both of them are in our bed, which means my husband goes back to sleep somehow? knowing i will make sure they wont fall out of our bed and i never get any sleep.So how would anyone suggest keeping them in their own bed when they wake at night, I dont like giving them a milk which is what they always ask for, i just give them water to their frustration, but if i dont sleep of a night at the moment im getting approximatly 2-3hours a night i dont have the patience to deal with their tantrums throughout the day.
So Recap: please help on; sibbling rivalry in toddlers?
middle of the night waking,stopping them coming in our bed, any ideas tried and tested. I would be sooooo greatfull for any advice, as im at my wits end. I dont want to be one of these parents who continually shout around their children!!
I know you may all think im a bad mum, but im not,i love them more than anything in the world but im desperate for help as all i do all day is cry,{not in front of them obviusly } where i have no energy from lack of sleep and struggle to cope with the tantrums at one another.
please help.xx {sad}

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Mummymonster · 06/12/2006 09:53

Mrs Love...You are not a bad mum. The fact you're concerned is proof of that.

I have only 1 DC but I've seen how kids interact with each other in toddler groups. Loads of kids become possesive, won't share etc, and they do grow out of it but that doesn't help the here and now.

My DS' school have rolled out the butterfly child iniative and it is working really well. This is based on positive praise, rewarding the good and to a larger extent, ignoring the bad. I'm sure if you google it you can find out more online.
I've also noticed how distraction works, taking thechild away from the situation that has caused the problem. At a group, one kid (3) was one for snatching toys and physical intimidation. The toy would be taken from him, returned to the child he snatched it from and then he was occupied with something else after he said sorry. Maybe this could work as the snatchee still got the toy so was happy and the snatcher was distracted from the situation. Maybe this might help you?
DC's behaviour is always a worry. I'm constantly worried about DS (constantly on MN for advice) but time has shown that the phases do pass, it's a nightmare when you're all in it.

All the best, a big hug and I hope I'vbe been of some help

Jam77 · 06/12/2006 09:55

Hello Mrs - I can't give any advice as DD only 3 months old but just wanted to send hugs and am sure that someone will post soon with some really good advice xxx

theinvisiblegirl · 06/12/2006 09:56

Oh poor you, it must be so hard .

I can sympathise a little with what you're going through. I have DS1 who is 7, then DD who will be 4 in Feb and DS2 who is 23mths younger.

DD and DS2 always fight and bicker...DD does a similar thing to yours in that as soon as DS2 goes anywhere near her(sometimes even just coming into the same room), she flings herself on the floor, screams and screams. Also lots of snatching of toys from each other = more screaming and tantrums from both. Still trying to work out what to do with mine as well....at the moment am trying to ignore the screaming/tantrums unless there is a need to intervene. Have been wondering whether it is something they need to sort out themselves, and the more I intervene, the more attention they are getting( and therefore reinforcing their behaviour). It's not easy. Still find myself shouting, but I'm trying.

As with the night time problem, it is so hard to sort when there are other children. DD and DS2 both went through phases of not sleeping and wanting mummy. There was a lot of bed swapping going on then so that at least some of us could sleep. Is there anyway the DD could spend a weekend with grandparents or something?? Maybe then you can deal with DS without fear of disrupting her. It would be hard but I reckon you need a couple of nights of being very strict, not giving in, not giving him attention when he demands it. If he screams and shouts, then let him. Eventually he will realise that his behaviour will not influence you and (hopefully)it will improve.

Don't know whether this is any help to you at all...just some suggestions. As for your useless HV..well...

I hope things get better for you soon.

loopity · 06/12/2006 10:13

Hi mrslove
I've been there, my first 2 are 15 mths apart so went through toddlerdom together. When I look back, it just seems a haze now I was constantly tired out! But just wanted to reassure you that eventually they do sleep through the night. No real suggestions about the bed thing - dd was a nightmare for this. In the end, I just let her sleep in with us at an early age because I would have done anything for a night's sleep. When she started nursery school she started to sleep better and then in P1 they're mentally tired as well as physically tired after lessons and so zonk out. Ds1 and ds2 have always slept in own cot/beds so it does seem to be an individual thing.

I normally just tried to distract them - eg stick a music cd on - come on let's dance for a while, pretend to be animals, princesses, kings whatever. Do they behave better when they're outside? Maybe wrap them up and take them out to the park or to a friend's house, anything to get a change of scenery? I also would be tempted to get a lazytown dvd, if they do them, and stick this on in the morning, at least you would get an hour to do housework (or sit with cup of coffee or whatever)

Would also strongly recommend Christopher Green's Todler taming book - full of good advice and funny too. Good luck!

MrsLoveToChat2U · 06/12/2006 10:29

I just want to say a huge thankyou for everyone who has posted a message to me. this is the first time i have come on hear and it has reduced me to happy tears as i feel i am not alone.I cant believe how supportive you girlies are out there, even if you dont have any advice your sending hugs and understanding!!!!! thats more than i have got off anyone including health visitors in the past 19mths.I dont have any girlfriends who have any children and the local toddler group is one of the most unhygenic places i have ever seen so i find it impossible to make any friends, so thankyou so much again for all your support and helpfull advice i really appreciate each individual opinion. I will take all that on board, keep praising the good, try to ignore the tantrums and keep my chin up knowing im not the only one out there who feels like this at times. As for the night times and my Dd going round to inlaws or my parents,unfourtunatly that is a no go area, as i cant have a quick wee without my daughter thinking im going to leave her at the moment.!!! aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhh!! thanks again to you all. big hugs and hope farther christmas brings you all a really stress free and claming christmas.xxxx
lol

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Jam77 · 06/12/2006 11:00

Mrs - it's like an extended family on here (so I've discovered in last few months ) so you are right, you're not alone and there is always someone who can help
Not sure about the stress free Christmas, have Mother in law (MIL) coming to stay!!!!!! lol

MrsLoveToChat2U · 06/12/2006 11:21

Hi Jam, thats true on the christmas front. Im having a nightmare with that too. every year since we have had the children we have had christmas dinner here at my house feeding a total of 10 adults. this year i said i want a christmas day off cooking for everyone as its a bit much with the children running around and trying to be extra organised, so i asked my mum and dad if we could go over there for christmas dinner, just my hubby and myslef ,DD & DS. To that she replied well i wont get a xmas tree then as the children will pull it down and i will have to leave the cats in the garden as the children will chase them and scare them, oh and i have to get a stair gate she said as i dont want the children running in and out of hte bedrooms upstairs!!!! You know when you get those moments where you really haev to by your lip!! its the only grandchildren she has, you would think she would love them to be at her house, {like my inlaws do, the adore my children and dont care if the house is a mess of toys}so christmas is going to be once again stressfull watching my mum flap around at every step our children take!!
sometimes its just easier although difficult as it can be just doing everything yourself!!
hope you all have a more enjoyable one.xx

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Peridot30 · 06/12/2006 11:43

WElcome to the wonderful world of children, my 2 are 3 and 5 and we are still goin through what you explained.I feel all i do some days is shout too. IT does get easier though as they understand more of what you tell them.

On the subject of Christmas do what we are doing and stay at home and just please yourselves. We are spending the day with our 2 cherubs(???) and then visiting after dinner. 1st year we have done it and really looking forward to pleasing ourselves rather than everyone else.

Jam77 · 06/12/2006 11:59

Sounds "lovely" Mrs lol, almost as "lovely" as my mum and MIL competing for DD's attention (first and only grandchild on both sides) of course I favour my mum with her, MIL gets emotional and DD gets completely overstimulated from all of the faces and attention on her and starts wailing!!! tell you what, let's picture each other on Christmas day, say around 2 ish and have a little smile to ourselves
Peridot - sounds lovely!!! This is the first year Christams is at mine, usually at my Mum's but now DD is here want her first Christmas at home.....but can just picture the scence already!!! I'm glad my mum is coming, just not looking forward to the "battle of DD" lol

Jam77 · 06/12/2006 11:59

Sounds "lovely" Mrs lol, almost as "lovely" as my mum and MIL competing for DD's attention (first and only grandchild on both sides) of course I favour my mum with her, MIL gets emotional and DD gets completely overstimulated from all of the faces and attention on her and starts wailing!!! tell you what, let's picture each other on Christmas day, say around 2 ish and have a little smile to ourselves
Peridot - sounds lovely!!! This is the first year Christams is at mine, usually at my Mum's but now DD is here want her first Christmas at home.....but can just picture the scence already!!! I'm glad my mum is coming, just not looking forward to the "battle of DD" lol

MrsLoveToChat2U · 06/12/2006 12:03

best idea for christmas that is, pleaseing yourselves, although my hubby likes the idea of being ant one inlaws one year and the other in laws the next then its our turn again? oh well such is married life makeing compremisies.
Sitting here now thinking should i put a christmas tree up, {artificial one}? did you have a tree up when they were so little and into everything. i love having the tree up but i think it might be one of those things i might regret as i might end up with the children fighting again on who is going to climb up it first???

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2boysmacca · 06/12/2006 12:38

I know the Christmas tree isn't the thread but your comment made me smile. I have a (nearly) 3 year old (snap, born on NYE too) and a 9 month old. We have had to do without a tree this year because of the baby, he'd try to climb it, pull it or cruise around it! But, I have put lights along the mantelpiece with a few decorations in a glass vase. Looks festive enough (but not as nice as a tree. Sigh!)

On the behaviour front, DS1 is always taking toys off ds2, even though he shares so well with his friends. He takes them off him and puts them out of reach. I just nag at him all the time.

You sure learn a lot about yourself being a mum, and more often than not, not like what you see.

MrsLoveToChat2U · 06/12/2006 12:48

HI 2BOYSMACCA, Thanks for your thread, oh i wish you lived near me, so someone i would know understands this nightmare of nagging mum syndrome. good idea about the lights on the mantle peice, maybe next year a tree would be a better option.
a womans work is never done is it? lol

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Pitchounette · 06/12/2006 13:54

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