Frustrated with 9 year old!

[MamaMoose1]

Hello, I am at the end of the tether with my 9 year old son. I will list some of the things that he does. He still can't use his knife and fork correctly, even though he's corrected constantly, he is very inappropriate and immature at times, he still snatches from his younger brother, although he's capable of asking correctly and tonight, which infuriated me, he was sat on the toilet, having pushed in front of his brother, who was sat on the toilet, with poo all over his hands, laughing with his brother, he spent some time cleaning it as he got poo on the toilet seat, he is 9 years old, it's completely unacceptable, his teacher has told us he shows immaturity and isn't a good listener and lacks attention at school, I am unsure of what steps to take next!

It sounds like you're saying he has some sort of developmental delay. It's clearly an issue in school as well as at home.

If this is the case, correcting him can only help to the point where your expectations are developmentally appropriate, rather than age appropriate.

I would ask for a referral to a paediatrician to look at his neurological development. Your GP or the school nurse can do this for you.

Thanks for your reply. I just find him so hard to cope with sometimes, his much younger brother is so much more mature and responsible than he is. His teacher is talking to an educational psychologist as he has speech delay and also he gets a lot of tics, which is a form of Tourette's syndrome. The thing we find hardest is he doesn't listen, we will tell him not to do something and he will do it again, he's always been problematic at school, not listening, poor attention span and have tried to help him at home, to no avail, I feel so hopeless!

The first thing you need to know is that tics don't necessarily mean he has Tourettes. Lots of children get tics and grow out of them. I've cared for several as a childminder whose tics have disappeared altogether.

They can also by simply down to anxiety. My DD2 has AS and has often displayed lots of tics (some really persistent and annoying/distressing) but they have always been a symptom of high anxiety, usually due to problems in school.

I think the referral to the Ed Psych is a good idea. Any input from them will be geared up to looking at what he finds difficult, whether he needs support in school and what that support should be.

I would also ask the GP or the school nurse for the paediatrician referral. The paed will be able to initiate a full neurodevelopmental assessment (more in depth than what the Ed Psych will do) which will look at lots of areas of his development with the aim of identifying the reason behind his difficulties. At the end, you should at least come away with information that helps you understand why he seems to struggle with certain aspects of life and that new understanding could help you support him and feel more positive. The Ed Psych and the teacher should be asked for their views as part of the assessment.

I have found that understanding the reasons behind the behaviour that frustrates you makes a huge difference to how I feel about it. It also means that I can predict what she might find difficult and thereby avoid frustrating and upsetting situations.

Goldmandra-Thanks for your reply. We were told by his doctor that his tics are leaning more towards Tourette's Syndrome, as he has not been tic free for over a year, but saying that I did mention to the doctor that he had gone through periods, without having a single tic. I don't know a great deal about tics to be honest, but our son is highly anxious and sensitive. He also has a speech and communication delay, but getting help with that is taking such a long time, thinking of going private for that. The things that bother me the most is his lack of listening and focusing, he has said he finds school difficult, he finds it hard to concentrate within big groups, but seems to cope better in smaller groups. Also myself and his father aren't getting on lately, our marriage has become strained and I wonder if this shows and affects our son, we disagree a lot with parenting and discipline, which is something we're trying to work on.

Are you saying that your GP thinks he may have Tourettes but hasn't made a referral to CAMHS or a Paed?

Are you in the UK? If so, you need to push for a referral. GPs are great but your DS needs someone with a higher level of expertise to work out what is behind his difficulties.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship problems. I agree that they could be making things worse for him but it does sound like you are trying to minimise that.

Make sure that his difficulties concentrating in larger groups is highlighted to the Ed Psych.

What is he good at? What do you like about spending time with him? You've listed a lot of things he struggles with- and I can see how that must be frustrating- but if he's highly anxious and sensitive he would probably really benefit from some praise and positive attention.

MrsKCastle-He is great at Art, that's one subject his teacher says he is doing really well at. The art work he produces for his age is really fantastic, which I praise him about and we have his art work around the house. He's great in many ways, but sometimes I guess we get caught in negative cycles. He also irritates his brother a lot, he can be quite dominating with his younger brother, he never hurts him physically, but he seems to do things to purposely annoy him, or to get a reaction. I do talk to him about his behaviour towards him, but we seem to have got into a cycle where my youngest constantly comes to me to tell me what his brother has done, some of it is very trivial, I try not to take sides and try and get them to talk if any problems arise, whereas before I found myself taking sides with the youngest one.

Goldmantra-We have seen a paediatrician when my son was about four, who told us they were habitual tics and to ignore them, have spoken to the doctor since who has suggested that he may have Tourettes Syndrome based on the length of the tics and because he often has motor and vocal to a together, but i'd like a better understanding of it really, which hopefully we will get.