9 year old dd and anxiety. Is this normal?

[Orangeanddemons]

So today was a dress up day at school. We've has a major meltdown at the weekend about the costume. Absolutely hysterical. Then another one on Tuesday night. And last night.

She couldn't eat any breakfast as she felt too anxious and sick. She's obsessed with getting to school early. School starts at 8:40. We have to be there by 8:15. Otherwise she starts crying and getting worked up.

I'm debating whether I need to take her to the doctors about it. She's fine in every other way, lots of friends, works hard at school, but again finds it very stressful, and often feels sick before she goes in. Her teachers are aware of this though.

Is this right.?

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Do you know why she is getting so stressed? Does she get stressed in non-school situations - going somewhere new/ being late/ not knowing what to expect? Is it a new thing - start of hormones? Is something gringo n at home / school (bullying etc) that is worrying her? Are school concerned about her? Lots of children get stressed about the most ridiculous things, and often grow out if it. If school / you are concerned that there is an underlying problem, then ask where they would suggest to investigate/ help. If she is the kind of girl you can talk to, then see if she knows what stresses her out and come up with a plan for those situations.

Going on, not gringo!

I have bought a book (recommended on here) called What To Do When You Worry Too Much. Well worth a read. I bought it for my 6yr old but think it more suited to a slightly older child. But we both found it useful.

She stresses about lots of things. That book sounds good, I'll look into it. Someone else suggested a mindfulness book for children too

Fwiw, in hindsight I started having anxiety at this age and I now wish my parents had taken it seriously and looked into getting help.

My DD gets terrible anxiety and doesn't eat.
My friends DS too, but nightmares, sleepwalking.

In both our cases it's caused usually by feckless fathers and visits to them. When their fathers are 'on edge '
It puts DC on edge.

Could something like this be happening?

I also think it's an age thing, awareness of the world around them.

I put zero pressure on DD. And don't even mention food, no cajoling, no telling off, no reaction at all. Fine, you're not hungry so tell me when you are.

I am actually using a child counsellor for DD. She got v bad and I didn't feel able to get her through.

No, it's nothing like that. We did have a massive house fire just over a year ago, and had to move out for 6 months, so I don't know if it's a delayed reaction tot that, but I don't think it is.

I've bought the worry book, and am going to monitor it, and be very gentle with her. If it carries on, I will go to docs and find some sort of counselling. She has a very rigid personality, and it all seems to be about situations where she has little control. But then I guess that's what all anxiety is about.

I suffer anxiety but it is maintained by long term anti depressants, so I don't think she has seen me anxious to learn it from. I guess some of it must be genetic

Hi there. Its hard to know the right solution to this but St least you're taking it seriously and recognising that it's anxiety. My anxiety issues started around this age. Mine resulted from phobias but I know other people's comes from other issues. I'd suggest taking her to the doctors and asking for a referral to see a psychologist. I do wonder if mine had been recognised earlier I wouldn't have gone through it so hard when I was a little older. Please don't worry. There are lots of things they can do to help. Good luck x

Is the root of the anxiety really about having little control or is it about not knowing what is going to happen? The two can appear to be the same until you look carefully.

Children who worry about things being different or changing suddenly can become very anxious and respond by trying to gain control in order to manage that anxiety. It can be very easy then simply to see the need for control without the root cause.

Is her teacher doing anything to try to reduce her anxiety about school? Even if she doesn't show it there, it's clearly having quite a big effect on her. Is the teacher aware that she might be having to work very hard to cope with the sudden changes that can happen often in schools?

Yes, I think it is all about control. Not controlling people, but controlling situations. She's inherited it from me , although I've never shown it in front of her, but it is a temperament trait.

The school are aware of how she is. They ask her all the time to discuss how she's feeling. I went in about 4 times at the start of term to sort it out. She seems to be a bit better about school now. She just hates change and transition. Why couldn't she have inherited my swanlike neck, or my nice feet? . Anxiety is the worst thing of all.

Not controlling people, but controlling situations.

OK. That makes sense but you need to be careful how you explain this to professionals. A parent saying a child wants to be in control is a great excuse for blaming bad behaviour rather than anxiety.

Have you considered Asperger's Syndrome? It can be very subtle in girls.

I have considered Aspergers many many times. But she doesn't tick lots of boxes. She has anxiety and a very rigid personality, and gets anxious around change and situations she has no control over. But she doesn't seem to tick any of the social issues, although she is liable to sensory overload....

It may be worth exploring a little further.

The social issues can be subtle and very competently masked, especially by intelligent girls. They can use logic and observation to work out the social rules other children know instinctively and use them to blend in socially. They can mimic others to help them participate in play and social activities. The problem is that doing this is very hard work which is part of the reason that school can be very stressful and it also gets harder as they get older and the social demands become greater.

I would go to the GP. It's not normal for a young child to be regularly feeling sick about going to school, and to be so anxious about something like a dressing up day. It might be worth asking for an educational psychologist assessment at school, although she is doing well, if she is finding it stressful then there is a problem which they should be looking to identify.

The 'What to do when you worry' book is good, it's CBT based - CBT and mindfulness seem to be the evidence backed treatment for anxiety at the moment. I'd be a bit wary of any counselling type therapies before you have got to the root of the problem.

I've bought the worry book. I'm just waiting for it to be delivered. It appears she is exactly like me in personality, but I'm sure I don't have Aspergers. But Dd is Miss Sociable. She's got hoardes of friends, and I don't see any issues about sharing or not interacting properly.

I think I will make a doctors appointments, although getting her there is going to result in the week of a thousand meltdowns. Should I go alone?

My ds who's 8 recently started worrying about things and getting himself worked up enough to go into meltdown.
Contact your local school nurse. Ours have been brilliant, she comes to visit once a week to work with him on ways to control his anxiety.
She also did a questionnaire on her first visit to see which areas he was most anxious in.

That's another idea. But I think I'll go to GP who is absolutely and is very very knowledgeable about all my hideous anxiety issues

Had she been assessed for sensory processing difficulties? i have a 9yo dd who would also struggle with a dress up day as she hates having to wear dress up clothes.

I also suffer with anxiety and manage it by challenging the way I think, exercise and finding time to relax. Does she do much exercise? With my dd I have started taking her to a junior Parkrun and running club, she also does swimming lessons this def helps I feel.

The main thing with anxiety is not to pander to it, anxiety and panic attacks feel horrible but it can't actually do you any harm and they will pass. The book Panic about panic by Josh Fletcher is excellent.

My DS was like this. He is 11 now and suddenly seems to be coping much better (except that his hair has to be just right!). His brother has sspergers and like you I considered it many times but whilst my DS clearly has anxiety and rigid thinking he doesn't have any social issues or routines rituals or narrowed interests. The worry book you have bought was really helpful to DS and was possibly the start of him coping better. We now refer to non-issues that he brings up as 'worry tomatoes' ( if you read the book, it describes worries as like tomatoes', the more you feed them the bigger they grow). It seems to help him get things into perspective and at the minute it does feel do much better. Hope it works out for your DD.

It's probably worth going to the GP alone (or speaking to them on the phone) first. Write down a list of concerns, that will save time and give them an immediate written record. They may ask you if you want a referral to CAMHS (assuming you have one in your area that's reasonably functional) - this can be a good step, though they do seem to vary a lot in approach and efficiency, some do CBT-based interventions.