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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Bit concerned about my friend's son and my DD.

24 replies

sandyballs · 04/12/2006 14:33

They are both 5 and he came round to play last week. They were upstairs and I heard lots of lip smacking noises and when I went to investigate I found my DD lying on her bed with this boy lying right on top of her and they were cuddling and kissing on the lips. They had closed the curtains and turned off the lights. When they saw me they leapt apart like a couple of teenagers and looked quite embarrassed. I made light of it and they came downstairs and played.

He came round again at the weekend and when he had gone home DD said to me "He asked me to do that special kiss again mummy, and he showed me his willie" .

Now I'm really at a loss as to how to handle this. I've mentioned it to his mum and she found it quite amusing, but it worries me.

Any comments/suggestions/similar experiences very welcome.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

berrycherry · 04/12/2006 14:41

this sounds worrying, I had something similar when my yougest dd said a boy (5 like her) had shown her his willie. she laughed about it and thought was hilarious - I was less impressed, I have to say. I think you have to remember that they are only 5, so don't get too stressed, but I would tell your daughter that it isn't a nice game for a little girl to play (although it sounds like she wasn't too happy about it) and don't let them play in her bedroom - you are going to have to keep an eye on them!

HuwEdwards · 04/12/2006 14:42

Sandy I would be very unconcerned about willy-showing, this is I understand it, very common.

The kissing in the dark side of things I would be more uncomfortable about I think, largely because he appears to be coercing your DD to be part of it.

In your shoes, I think tbh, I would not make a big deal about it but try to avoid if poss, this little boy coming round for a while, just to give your DD a bit of space. I would also have a discussion with your DD to the effect that when in his (or anyone else's)company, she should'nt do anything with this boy, if it doesn't feel right to her. I would say specifically, if he asks her to do that 'special kiss', she should say 'no' and come and find you immediately, whereupon you might engage them in some other more child-like activity.

I wonder what gave him the idea to do that - has he older siblings maybe?

tissy · 04/12/2006 14:44

he may have seen his parents having sex?

ginnedupmummy · 04/12/2006 14:44

Message withdrawn

HowSassilywondrousgiftisgivn · 04/12/2006 14:45

I think it is understandable to be a bit weirded out by this. However, I guess it is probably normal experimentation - TBH the special kiss sounds odder than the willy showing cos its more adult IYKWIM.

Could you go down the route of 'Don't worry about the other day but willies/girl bits should only really be seen by a dr', and then make sure they play in view.

Your dd doesn't seem that bothered by what you say, if she is chatting with you about it?

Hope someone else will be along in a bit with a wiser take on this.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 04/12/2006 14:45

gosh i'd be very worried. what is this boy's home life like? is the boy's mum a very good friend? would your dd be upset if she didn't see him for a while?

colditz · 04/12/2006 14:46

he's probably seen someone snogging, asked his mum, mum has said "Oh its sspecial kissing that grownups do" and he knows that one person is a girl and the other is a boy, so wanted to try it out.

really wouldn't worry about this one. Just tell her she's not old enough and she can kiss like that when she is grown up as old as mummy

As for the willy showing, that sounds really normal.

fartmeistergeneral · 04/12/2006 14:48

well, at the weekend my 5 yo ds wanted to 'snog' me (he has an older brother that's all I can say) and gave me a huge, hard kiss on the cheek. I said, that's ok, but mums and their little boys give each other pecks on the cheek, even though they can be big ones etc. Then he kept grabbing me very strongly and kissing me. then I noticed he was holding his bits and it was obviously hard.

Later I was 'munching' his ear, if you know what I mean and he was saying, do it again, I like it so I did it again, then I realised he was holding me that same tight way again and I moved away and he was grabbing me and saying snog me, snog me!!!

Where did he get THAT from???

Original poster

sandyballs · 04/12/2006 14:48

Thanks for replies. He is a good friend, from ante-natal group so they've known each other all their lives really. I am very friendly with his family, our DH's get on well and we often meet up. They are a very nice family, he's an only child so hasn't got older siblings to copy this type of stuff. Maybe he has seen his parents doing things, like you say.

I agree that I need to talk to DD about it. Just didn't think I'd be having to have these conversations at 5 .

OP posts:

DizzyBinterWonderland · 04/12/2006 14:49

colditz- if it were just kissing then yes fine but the op's saying it was lights off curtains drawn, him on top of her dd. i see what you're saying though, perhaps the boy has seen this on tv or something, or walked in on mum and dad?!

Original poster

sandyballs · 04/12/2006 14:51

I know he goes to bed quite late and is allowed to watch, what I would consider, quite inappropriate things, so maybe that's where he has got it from.

OP posts:

tiredemma · 04/12/2006 14:53

I think that kids pick things up at school, ds1 ( age 6) has recently started making silly comments which I try to ignore as i dont want to encourage him, for example we were watching 'diving with dolphins' last night and I said "whats that woman doing with the dolphins" as I had missed the first part.

" she is having sex with them" was ds's reply

then last week he saw a couple kissing and told me that they were "love making"

ginnedupmummy · 04/12/2006 14:55

Message withdrawn

beckybrastraps · 04/12/2006 15:05

Why are you dreading the conversation? I just don't get that. Although I can see that if it is built up into one conversation that might be a bit overwhelming. Ds started asking questions aged 2 when I was pregnant with dd (not unnaturally) and I hope is gradually building up a reasonably clear idea of what goes on. I think it is entirely natural for small children to ape what they see adults doing (eg kissing) and also have some fascination with genitals, especially as they start to explore the idea of differences between girls and boys.

BUT - If any kind of play makes a child uncomfortable, then it is inappropriate of course.

Original poster

sandyballs · 04/12/2006 15:12

I didn't say I was dreading it. I do talk to DD (and her sister) about all kinds of stuff, as and when it arises. I just didn't think that this particular type of conversation would arise just yet, that's all.

OP posts:

beckybrastraps · 04/12/2006 15:13

Sorry. That was in response to ginnedupmummy.

Original poster

sandyballs · 04/12/2006 15:14

Ahh, sorry, just read that.

OP posts:

rantinghousewife · 04/12/2006 15:49

My ds asked at the age of 5 and I told him the basic facts and answered any question he asked. As I remember it was all very unembarrasing, in fact it so undramatic that he forgot anyhow and when I fell pregnant when he was 9, I had to answer all his questions again. He's now 13 and although going thro puberty, tache, body hair, breaking voice etc, he's very matter of fact about anything to do with sex. This isn't a criticism, but I do find it very odd that we live in a society that sexualises children (bratz dolls anyone!!) from a very young age but we're reluctant to equip them with basic knowledge that would help them understand, what is after all the very reasons they exist.

rantinghousewife · 04/12/2006 15:51

Or rather the process by which they came to exist. Sorry, spent the last week with sick child, addled my brain somewhat.

PineConesAndHonneybunny · 04/12/2006 16:46

I can understand why you are concerned, as it seems like this little boy is coercing your dd into things she doesn't really want to do. When I was 5yo something similar happened to me: a boy from our neighbourhood with two older brothers showed his willy to me and my younger brother, fiddled with me (also against my will), and said we were lucky as we could practise on eachother... I am still amazed at my parents calm way of dealing with this: they bought us a book on "where babies come from". I don't think we were allowed to play with this boy anymore though. I think around this age some (sexual) curiousity is completely normal, but for this boy to force your dd into things she doesn't want to do is wrong. I actually don't think 5 is too young to know about sex, but then again, I am from Holland where kids at 5 already know about sex, contraceptives, homosexuality etc... With my two ds-s I will take things as they come, just like rantinghousewife wrote: if they ask, I will try and tell as much as i think they will be able to handle at that age. IYSWIM.

Jam77 · 05/12/2006 17:59

Hope I don't upset anyone here but I think that this behaiviour isn't abnormal - It's just a variation of DR's and Nurses and that has been played for years - From what you posted it didn't sound like your DD was upset? Don't misunderstand me I wouldn't encourage LO's to explore in this way but nor would I make a big deal of it, that can be far more damaging in the long run as many people have uncomfortable attitudes towards sex due to parents making them feel it's wrong and dirty (not that I'm suggesting for one minute that this is what you would do I would just explain that although it's completely natural to be curious and play this way it's not always appropiate and that is she ever feels un comfortable she can speak to you and you can resolve it

ginnedupmummy · 05/12/2006 20:43

Message withdrawn

Sakura · 06/12/2006 01:13

I read (Germaine Greer that our culture has elevated the meaning of showing a willy to ridiculous proportions. Apparently nineteenth century ladies would laugh at the boy/man who was showing himself, exactly like berrycherry`s daughter did when she found it hilarious. (That is a really good way of putting the boy/man in his place.)

So I agree with what most have said that the willy showing is not so important but the kiss seems more involved, because your daughter talked about it in a way that suggested it was more his idea than hers.

fortyplus · 06/12/2006 01:21

My 2 sons had a girl round to play when they were about 8 & 9 and they were horrified that she showed them her fanjo!
Lots of children play 'Mums & Dads' - your friend's son is too young to realise that he's taken it too far. You both need to have a sensitive chat with your children but it's almost certainly nothing to worry about if it didn't involve touching his penis.

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