should i let my 12yr old leave?

[anon698835]

hi everyone,
ive chose to post anon as i dont want to be judged but as a family i fear locals may know who i am.
anyway, a little background, me and my wife split up 8yrs ago and divorced, she moved out leaving my 2 daughters with me, she travelled, and lived abroad for a while.
since 3yrs ago when she returned to the uk she has on and off seen our daughters who are now 12 and 9. in the last year she has settled down married someone and has our girls at weekends. so since moving to secondary school my eldest got laughed at as she was the only one living with dad and didnt have facebook. i let her have facebook on the proviso i check it which shes totally cool with.
i havent checked it for a long long time as she is a very sensible girl, over the last week or so shes been very withdrawn, moody and off with her little sister, having asked whats wrong i get, nowt why?
soooo anyway sorry for the long post, i just checked her facebook where there was a group chat and my daughter has said on there shes really down and upset as she wants to live with her mother full time. now i could understand or at least try to if it wasnt the fact that her mum spends stupid amounts on them, my youngest mentioned her frind had a xbox 1 and she came home with an xbox 1. my eldest has text me this morning to tell me her mum has been to buy her a iphone 6s (just released).
i am an absolute mess, im sat crying im not ashamed to admit, ive done everything for my girls and she wants to move out. if it comes to an head after speaking about it, do i let her go???

I have no experience of this but it sounds like your ex is a 'disney' parent , does she even want your dd to live with her full time ? What you have to remember is that it's very easy to be the fun parent and throw money at children when you are not responsible for the day to day ,normal parenting and discipline , no doubt if you did allow your dd to go and live with her mum your dd will find it very different when her mum is dealing with her on a daily basis .

That sounds absolutely heartbreaking.

And no, I don't think you should give up custody so suddenly even if that's what your daughter thinks she wants. You have to remember that 12 is still way to young to understand her own best interests or to understand why she feels as she does. Of course you should take her opinions into consideration, but you are the adult who sees the bigger picture.

Your DD undoubtedly longed for her mother for years when her mother was unavailable, now she is here and is glamorous, 'fun' parent (unlike familiar, safe dad who she actually can't even imagine being without).

The other thing that might be happening here is that as your DD approaches adolescence, she feels a need to be closer to the parent of her own gender. I actually remember at about that age suddenly feeling closer to my mum, even though I had always been much closer to my dad (parents not divorced). If it helps, it changed again later! The thing is, she does deserve to have a strong relationship with both her parents if that is at all possible.

I don't have personal experience, but I think if I was faced with this I would have an open chat with your daughter about it. I would try to acknowledge her feelings, and also her legitimate desire to build a close relationship with her mother. I would say that moving full time custody wasn't something you were comfortable with at the moment, but you were open to ways to increase the amount of time she has with her mum. Maybe more of the holidays? (But make sure it's a long period of day-to-day holidays, not just the trip away). Then over time, everyone can see how that develops, and whether it works when her mother is doing the day-to-day.

In the end, if your daughter is still adamant about wanting to live with her mother a few years down the line, and if that's what her mother wants too, then you may need to respect that. But you are a long way from that just now.

Just thinking - another aspect of this is that your daughter might be wishing she could just change her life in some way, and this is presenting as an option so it's what she has fixed on. You mentioned that she had some trouble being laughed at at school. The teenage years are tough to go through.

thanks for the replies, ive been dwelling on it all day, i thought maybe doing a questionaire type chat first get to know some answers and then taking the talking from there. with the mood shes been in this last week i think i'll just get, im fine nothing to talk about.
whereas if i have answers on paper i can say oh well your happier there because..... is there anything here we can do to be like that etc etc.
ive been a wreck all day thinking about her moving there and it scares me and kills me.
i just think if she was to be adament she wants to go do i say
-no its not an option
-ok
-either one will kill me inside

Please try not to be upset. Her hormones are absolutely rushing all over the place at the moment, and combined with starting a new school, she's bound to feel unsure of herself. You're the one who has provided the continuity and stability and been the main parent for a long long time. Her mum hasn't. She's bound to want her mum more in her life, especially if there are expensive presents being handed out.

I don't think a questionnaire is the way forward- it will feel really odd. And I don't think it's wise to talk to her about it while you're still feeling tearful because she will feel even more miserable if she feels she's upsetting the one person who has been there for her forever. Try dropping in little "I'm so proud of you you know" comments and when you're feeling a bit stronger, instead of asking how things are ("fine") or what's up ("nowt") try saying "how are things going with your mum?" And let her talk. Rephrase things to clarify "so you seem to be saying that..." "That sounds like you feel ...."

Lots of luck to you.

A week is a very short space of time, it feels like a long time when you are both so upset but with 12 year old girls a lot can change in a week!

She might just be going through something at school and is looking for something to change. Don't rush in to anything other than trying to spend some time together and doing something she enjoys, she might open up a bit easier.

Yes it might be a country thing - does she feel free to talk to you about that? Has she maybe started her periods? Or it may be a trying to fit in thing where she says what her friends expect her to say, but deep down feels different. Definitely don't put words in her mouth, by trying to support her in what you think she wants, she may feel that you are pushing her out...

If she knows you check her facebook then could you just tell her what you read and ask if she is ready to talk about it?

A country thing? Sorry I mean a puberty thing...