2.9 month old monstrous behaviour, I'm not coping well.

[jimijack]

In all honesty, I have felt so incensed and angry at his behaviour that I have frightened myself.

It's almost constant currently, throwing things, spitting, destructive behaviour, breaking shattering damaging household things. (Actual plaster has fallen of the wall because he slams the door so violently)
Refusing to get dressed, pjs, clothes, shoes, coat, screaming fits, hitting, pushing, slapping, refusing nappy changes, (will not entertain the potty or toilet)
Kicks so violently when I change his nappy, I have bruises on my chest.
Goes round just throwing every single item off every surface.
Shopping is an ordeal, screaming fits, climbing out of the trolley, refusing to sit down, if I negotiate him walking and helping he runs off and then screams and kicks me when I try to put him in the trolley.

I was hoping my mum could watch him for an hour for me last week so I could get shopping, but she wanted to come shopping with me, but then walked away when he was screaming his head off. I never ever ask her to have him, ever.
He IS NOT sleeping, I am up 4/5/6 Times a night with him.
I don't know what to do or how to cope any. Longer....

It's really hard when you feel like this and I speak from experience of an extremely difficult almost 3 year old. The one thing I found that helped was to really focus on positive behaviour. He had a bag of marbles and every time he behaved nicely (to start with I would reward for the smallest thing) he would put one in a jar. When the jar was full he was able to choose a toy. My son loved this and once he got the hang of it really tried hard to earn the marbles.

Personally I didn't take marbles away for bad behaviour unless it was mucking around at bedtime but you could do that. I found focusing on the good helped me feel much less angry which in itself probably helped his behaviour. Do you have a partner who could help at night? I always found that I had much less patience and found it harder to be positive when I was tired.

One thing I read on here was a parent who bought a punching bag for a little girl who hit and then taught her to redirect that energy there.

Have you discussed this with your GP or HV, has his hearing been checked, maybe his development and speech are delayed. Part of the problem may be frustration. Once the speech improves, sometimes the tantrums lessen.

Parenting toddlers is tough, I expect you know about picking your battles. Keep your calm as long as you possibly can. If he sees you are getting upset then he will get more upset and the rage gets worse. Take a deep breath and try talking in a calm low voice. I know it is almost automatic to get louder when they are yelling, to make yourself heard.

Have you talked to your HV about any of this? If your mum withdraws have you been able to talk to other experienced parents, (relatives, neighbours, friends)?

We all cope better if at least we get enough sleep so disturbed nights are killing. What sort of waking pattern is it and how do you react?

I know that this sounds daft given how he tests you but how often do you smile at him? Even if he is being difficult try catching his eye and smiling more.

Lack of sleep will be a huge part of the problem, maybe there is something else going on too but I'd certainly try improving the sleep first. If he is knackered then he will act far far worse and if you are knackered then you won't be in a fit state to try any positive techniques to manage him.

I'd suggest you go and tell all this to the hv and/or GP and emphasise the terrible sleeping. Ask if you can get a referral to a sleep consultant.

Tell us more about the night waking. What does he want? How do you get him back to sleep? What's he like at bedtime?

So at night he wants to breast feed.
He wanders into us, if I don't let him, it's full on screaming, dh and I both work, ds 1 has school. It's easier to just let him.

Speach is good, nothing wrong with his hearing.
I smile at him slot, I adore him. He was a long awaited child. 10 years it took to get him. He is naturally a funny chap, we laugh allot.
I have no idea who his hv is, don't know that gp will help as ds 1 was 100 Times worse with sleep & no one could help.

Sigh.

Dr J Gordon has a good method from weaning off the breast at night. It gets worse before it gets better but it gets better quite quickly and the at least you'll be able to sleep.

Ok, GP and HV would probably both tell you to stop BF him, at least at night, and teach him he has to go back to sleep by himself instead.

Completely understand why in the short term you do whatever gets him back to sleep but that will mean he keeps depending on it as his way to get back to sleep. Could you maybe take time off at half term and try to crack it then, so you're not going to work and ds1 not going to school?

As an alternative, you could try co sleeping, so he can have his 4/5/6 nightly BFs without having to really wake up. Might mean he is less tired and behaves better. Also if you do that for a bit and let him catch up on sleep, it might then be easier to night wean as he'll be less overtired and more capable of getting himself back to sleep (although on the other hand he may have got used to the co sleeping by then so may have created another habit to crack...)

Hello, I am in no way an expert but this sounds much more serious than lack of sleep/ toddler tantrums etc. It sounds to me like he may have some sensory issues or could possibly have some other things going on too. Lack of hearing can be very frustrating and make him lash out. Hope you get this sorted.

I have tried the co sleeping and it was utterly disastrous. He is all over the bed and I got zero sleep. Won't be doing that again.

His hearing is fine, no sensory issues with him at all.

For the last 2 nights, I have slept on the couch and dh`s has dealt with the night waking.
I think that if I am not there, he will get the message that he can't nd at night, and that he will be taken back to bed immediately.

I'm going to do this for a week or two, then tackle potty training & tantrums.

Thanks for your help everyone x

Sounds like a plan, good luck. (Personally I would leave the potty training for a while and focus more on the behavioural stuff - unless there is some reason you need him to be trained soon.)

Remember if he is not getting the BF at night he may be hungrier so worth offering more food/milk/snacks in the day.

one other thought - you and DH both work so presumably he's in childcare - what do they say about his behaviour? is he awful for them too and do they have any idea why?