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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Why should my son be punished for not sharing?

27 replies

Publicenema · 01/10/2015 21:12

An upsetting incident at school today. My 4 year old bit another child because they were trying to take a toy off him. He was quite rightly told off for biting but then the teacher lectured him about sharing and told him to give the other child the toy. He refused and...long story...was sent home. I'm very clear that the biting was wrong but as far as I'm concerned the other child was in the wrong and should have waited their turn for the toy. I have always taught my son not to snatch toys, to ask politely and wait his turn. He is now extremely upset and asking what he is supposed to do when another child grabs his toys. What do I tell him to do?

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Princerocks · 01/10/2015 21:14

He bit the other child. He really could not have been allowed to keep the toy after that. Are you being serious?

Original poster

Publicenema · 01/10/2015 21:20

I see it as two issues. The biting, as I said, was totally wrong and warranted a punishment. Forget that bit. My question is about the sharing. He wants to know what he should do when another child grabs his toy. The school say he need to share. I say the other child should be taught to wait their turn. My son wants to know what the correct response should be if a child grabs his toy...

OP posts:

Amazemedontbeacunt · 01/10/2015 21:22

You're right, he shouldn't have bitten anyone but also that doesn't make it right that toys are snatched from him.

squidgyapple · 01/10/2015 21:22

I think you'll just have to explain to him that there are 29 other kids in the class and he isn't going to get his own way all the time.

museumum · 01/10/2015 21:24

I agree that sharing dies not mean instantly handing things over to anyone who wants to take them.
IF a child has monopolised a toy for a long time they should be given a deadline for the next person to have a turn. Otherwise, children should wait till the toy is free.

longdiling · 01/10/2015 21:24

I dunno, what was the 'long story' bit?

And I agree that kids shouldn't be able to just snatch a toy away but what was the toy and how long did he have it for? It's possible he was hogging it and had already beeen asked politely.

I think all bets were off the minute he chose to bite though and I think that's what I'd basically be telling him - when you bite adults won't take your side and help you with sharing, you'll just end up in trouble

Chippednailvarnish · 01/10/2015 21:26

I see it as two issues. The biting, as I said, was totally wrong and warranted a punishment. Forget that bit

You can't just forget that bit because it suits you. Your son should have told the teacher that the other child had snatched the toy off him. I'm guessing they are trying to make your son share as his reactions are making it seem like sharing doesn't come easily to him.

Thelushinthepub · 01/10/2015 21:31

There's probably more to it though- sharing, whilst not giving up the toy immediately, does mean giving it up at some point in the near future for another child to play with.
Don't you trust he school to make a decision on this? They witnessed it

holmessweetholmes · 01/10/2015 21:34

But are you sure that it wasn't the other child's turn? Waiting for your turn is all well and good, but who decides when the first child's turn is over? 4 year-olds don't have unlimited patience. Snatching isn't nice, but I can see why it might happen if a child is frustrated by another child's refusal to share. Whereas biting is completely unacceptable under any circumstances.

campervan67 · 01/10/2015 21:38

the teacher told him to give the other child the toy. He refused As well as learning how to share he needs to learn that he should do what the teacher tells him! But he is only 4, so I think sending him home is pretty harsh.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/10/2015 21:42

Problem is once your child bites they are in the wrong/ or must be treated as if they are in the wrong regardless.

I too agree that the sharing thing depends on how long they had been playing with the toy for and if the child is neurotypical that is what I would be saying to them.

Sounds like he could do with some help/reminding with turn taking. Eg taking turns sending cars down a click clack track or simple take turns games like kerplunk or jenga. Lots of emphasis on using language that can be transferred like excuse "me it's my turn" "your turn next" "you've already had a turn my turn now".

lunar1 · 01/10/2015 21:43

You tell him it's never ok to bite and to go a teacher if he's not happy with something.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/10/2015 21:43

I'd be at the child being sent home.

EugenesAxe · 01/10/2015 22:12

Yes it depends on how long he's had the toy. If he's been playing for just a minute or two and a child snatches, the ideal resolution should be that the teacher sees and steps in to ensure fairness. If an adult doesn't see all he can do is go to one and tell them that he's upset and why, and leave them to ensure a fair resolution.

I see your point too but in this instance I think your message should be that because he behaved so badly, he could not be rewarded with the toy even though the other child did wrong. If he had been calm and told the teacher then they would (theoretically) have sorted it for him.

dodobookends · 01/10/2015 22:14

Turn-taking is all very well, but your ds might have been the innocent party in this (until he bit his rival obviously!).

Some children totally take advantage of the 'sharing and taking turns' rule. I used to sometimes help out at a pre-school playgroup and one particularly assertive child there would happily decide what she wanted to play with - and go and snatch it out of the hands of whoever happened to be playing with it already.

When the victim protested and a tug of war ensued, the culprit would loudly shout "she/he won't share!!" - the staff would then step in and let her have the toy and make the tearful victim apologise. She got her own way (a lot) and would then rapidly lose interest in the toy and go and pick out her next victim. She used to actively enjoy getting others into trouble and making them cry (she's still like it years later - and has recently developed the habit of pinching other people's boyfriends).

RiverTam · 01/10/2015 22:15

If he'd been hogging the toy for ages then yes, he should have shared. But the main point is he should absolutely not bite another child for any reason. Are you sure there's not more to this?

longdiling · 01/10/2015 22:19

Hm dodo...I've also seen the child who holds on to a toy for ages if anyone asks for it. They're not actually playing with it and don't really want it but the fact that somebody else wants it means they're not going to give it up til Hell freezes over! Complete with putting it down and then snatching it back up quickly if anyone else shows interest in it.

We really don't know how this situation played out but biting is an absolute no-no regardless. So as a parent I would focus on that and if having things snatched off him because an issue again then deal with that problem.

Boredofthinkingofnewnames · 02/10/2015 16:27

Is it really standard practice to send a 4yo home from school? Surely there must have been something much bigger going on?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 02/10/2015 16:33

Well it depends really on how long he'd had the toy for. There are 30 kids in a class, break times a relatively short it's not reasonable to have one toy to yourself in that situation.

You need to stop refering to it as "his" toys because they're not his at all.

Shutthatdoor · 02/10/2015 16:36

Surely there must have been something much bigger going on?

He bit another child...

Toffeelatteplease · 02/10/2015 16:56

I would expect a school to deal with that at the time. I an amazed the child was sent home. But I suspect it would have been an illegal exclusion as I doubt correct paperwork would, or even could, be provided

PunkrockerGirl · 02/10/2015 17:00

The child was sent home? WTAF

ThisFenceIsComfy · 02/10/2015 17:08

I tell my son that if another child snatches something then he should go find one of the workers there and tell them.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 02/10/2015 17:09

It's not ideal but he's three and he would hit or push otherwise so this works best for him.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 02/10/2015 17:17

DD school rules - biting is a send home offence, defience ... also depends on attitude .. did he stomp off? Hissy fit? Was he rude? .., schools can send home same day without paperwork. He should have been sent home. Your child was wrong to bite regardless of the rights wrongs of sharing. I bet theres more to this you`re not saying.

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