Managing behaviour without raising people pleasers?

[LauraVonSlim]

I have come to realise in recent years that I am a big people pleaser and that this has held me back and caused me a lot of stress as an adult for various reasons. I am always seeking approval, can't say 'no' to anyone, never feel 'good enough' etc etc.

I really don't want my children to grow up like this but I fear that my natural parenting style is encouraging them to do it. What I don't understand is where is the right balance between managing behaviour, and making them feel like they need to be 'good' to win my approval? I'm not explaining myself very well. Does anyone know of any books or other resources that I might read?

Watching with interest op for others' advice!

Me too! It seems like there's a lot of emphasis these days on pushing yourself forward, believing in yourself, going for what you want etc. Which is all great but for the people pleasers among us I think it can feel like encouraging self-centred, rude children.

I think much of it is down to understanding your child's personality and trying to balance out the traits they already have with the desirable ones that you think they may need. But how you do that is another matter!

Sorry, not much help...

I think you're right Claire - I have less concerns about my son because I can't imagine anything making him into a people pleaser (my husband certainly isn't and they are very alike). My daughter is much more like me and maybe therefore more 'at risk'.

She is very kind and selfless so maybe I need to encourage her to think of herself a little bit more, and work on her self-esteem.

No real insight, but thought I'd highlight that there's almost certainly a strong gender bias in this. Girls are, typically, socialised more to please than to succeed on their own terms. Research has shown this holds them back professionally, as they admit to valuing being liked more highly than being respected. Have no idea how to combat it, though, when I can't escape that tendency in myself.

Have only a DS (with another on the way) but have wondered if stressing kindness and helping others rather than standing up for what he wants is the most helpful thing I can do for him. I remain proud of him for giving up toys / sharing / not being rough, though, as these are things I value.

Watching this discussion with interest.

HJBeans's point about gender is so important. There is so much pressure to be a 'good girl' i.e. always think of others before yourself, do what others expect of you, never consider your own needs.

As someone who was raised to be a gold medal people pleaser (and has the therapy bills to prove it), I would say that its really important to encourage children to recognise and value their own feelings. Label their feelings when they're little - 'you're angry' when they're kicking off, 'you're sad' when they're crying, 'you're happy' etc etc. Teach them that feelings can be talked about and can be managed, even the less fun ones. I never had any of this, and ended up constantly looking to other people for validation. I was totally incapable of trusting my own feelings or thoughts, valuing myself, or standing up for myself. Help your children to build up a strong emotional core, a deep sense of 'I am capable of getting things right', so they don't end up constantly trying to please others in order to get that comfort externally.

maybe go with a more natural consequences appeoach?

Oh great thread.

Sorry OP I have nothing to offer but my DD1 is extremely compliant and I worry that I'm making it worse without even realising it. I have come to understand recently that I was raised very much to look out for others (don't get in the way, don't mane noise, don't make a fuss, don't take up too much room, etc) in some ways, oddly the physical stuff while the mental stuff I was encouraged to do my own thing. Anyway I have this DD and she's so awfully compliant and gets so upset if she does something "wrong" and I feel like I need to make her more self-centred / thick skinned / not sure how to put it and I don't know how to go about that.

lotta speaks a lotta sense (sorry!)

helping children to recognise and value their feelings is a key. As is then helping them to understand what is an acceptable and unacceptable way of showing them.

So - I think you are really angry with your brother right now, because he took your toy. That is OK, we all get angry at times and he should not have taken your toy. It isn't OK to hit him. It is OK to say clearly - I want my toy back. And if he doesn't give it back, to ask me to help you get it back.

The follow on is also important though, which is to say to brother, dd doesn't want to share that toy with you today. You may not take it without asking. Please give it back.

Some of the times when I see a parent encouraging a child to share I feel very sorry for the child. Because it is THEIR toy and the other child wants it. (not the same as when it is at eg toddler group) why should the child give their toy away? I prefer to say, that toy is a bit special, shall be put it out of the way and find a game/toy that we can play with together?
Allowing children to say no to each other in an appropriate way is a good thing. Acknowledging that other people can be a pain in the neck helps them to validate their feelings.
Then you can encourage sharing, empathy and kindness on more neutral ground.